Tainted in UAE

No longer in the UAE....

2008-05-14T09:10:00.003+04:00

Fuking Faggots

2008-03-04T07:37:00.001+04:00

What the fuck is wrong with people in the Arab world? It doesn’t take that long away to realize that the number of gay rapes in the UAE outweigh the strait rapes by a large, LARGE number. And being gay is haraam according to Arabs – one of the most frowned upon things, really. The idea that if you fuck a guy you are not gay, but if you are fucked by a guy you are gay is distorted, twisted, and completely fucked. I am sick and fucking tired of trying to defend a nation of people so completely fucked they can not see that. News flash, if you can cum by fucking a guy, if sticking your cock into another man (or boy as in many cases) ass, turns you on enough to even get you hard, YOU ARE A FAGGOT – no matter how you want to twist it.

I am so sick of reading about this in the daily news. I am sick of denying the fact that there is something seriously wrong with most Arab nations! Rape is a horrible, horrible thing. But a man raping a man just seems so much worse than a man raping a woman. And gay rape - it’s the most common form in the sandlands! A rapist is not a man to begin with, but a gay rapist – he is ALSO A FUCKING FAGGOT.

Fucking SICK.

I don’t remember the last time…

2007-11-13T21:01:00.000+04:00

I remembered a dream – until this morning when I woke up. As vivid as reality, as surreal as only a dream can be - he came back into my life for just a moment. I felt nothing for him, even as he pulled me close and kissed me. I felt only sorrow and regret for being caught, mid-kiss that I did not initiate. Is it possible to ever fully get over your very first love? And if so, was that it?

Or has he just somehow crept back into my life through dreams, as I slowly start becoming me again? For years he seemed to pop back into my life either in person, or through dreams when I needed to forget him the most. It was almost as if, as soon it stopped hurting he was there again peeling a scab off a healing wound. But I have not hurt for him, longed for him, even really thought of him in years. Why should he come back now?

I read too deeply into things I guess. But I am one of those people who think everything, everything happens for a reason perhaps the reason for this is still just beyond my comprehension.

Anyway, the pills seem to be doing their job. Slowly I am finding myself more ambitious, more motivated to get the hell out of the house. I find myself with more energy and less ability to sleep during the day. I often wake up throughout the night, and find myself watching TV for a few hours before I can fall back asleep again. That could just be my body adjusting.

I miss my son terribly and almost feel as though I should go back to the UAE now. But I know that I am not nearly well enough to face the plastic world again, without falling back into that dreaded routine of insanity. I speak to my son often, and know he is doing well. Its hard to answer his simplest questions, like when am I coming home? Somehow, I think he will understand when he is old enough. At least I hope so.

Not really surprised

2007-11-06T20:41:00.000+04:00

Misdiagnosed in Dubai, is not really a surprise. UAE does not have much when it comes to a psychiatric health industry and I got to learn that the hard way; from the hospitals literally running out of drugs mid-patients courses, to them over and under prescribing in seemingly-lethal combinations that often made me feel worse than better, or switching psychiatrists each and every time you go for an appointment so there is no real history of your condition or progress, other than a medical chart showing which meds you have been prescribed and which ones you have not. I pity the psychologically ill in the UAE.

What did surprise me was the fact that I did not reduce myself to tears at meeting this man. I was able to smile a little and laugh at his sarcasm when he mentioned the real chance I was given, as he took the brief of my history down into his notes. With no real role models, alcoholism, 4 fathers (3 of which abusive) and 2 mothers, sexual molestation, haunting me as I moved to the plastic city, I walked right into the nasty relationships with men, the abuse, further sexual assault, addictions, and so much more without even realizing it – I was never really given a chance. And though, I started to cry a little as he asked me what I really felt of myself, he was able to help me crack a smile again quick, when he questioned whether or not my mascara was waterproof. He was a decent older man; the type you can trust has the experience he has behind him simply by looking at his frail old body and silver hair.

Rather than having Bipolar tendencies as diagnosed in the UAE, I in fact have severe tendencies that signify two almost sister diagnoses, Clinical Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder. After reading up on both of these, they make a lot more sense and paint a far more accurate picture of what I am really going through and feeling.

I can not say that one hour with a sincere, educated, experienced Dr, who has already gone out of his way to help check my medical status and help me find a proper GP, let alone make me feel comfortable when talking to him, has induced any improvement; I do have a lot of hope in the medications he prescribed as well as the help he will offer me through future appointments. And I guess increased hope and positive thoughts can only do a person like me any good.

Vacation Over…

2007-11-05T20:52:00.001+04:00

I woke up this morning from dreams about getting to my shrinks appointment today. I do not know what scares me more, the trip itself, getting lost in this city where everything feels like dejavu, or having to attempt to explain the last 26 years of my life, the years that made me what I am today, to a complete stranger in less than an hour.

Whatever it is, it’s the first step to finally getting over the haunting my own mind forces upon me, each and every day of my life. It’s been this way for as long as I can remember; incredible, unexplainable misery somewhere in the back of my mind, creeping through every moment of happiness, every smile; the need to isolate myself from the world; the destruction I cause myself over and over again that I can recognize but cannot seem to control; the obsessions I learn to love for some undefined amount of time then abandon in a moment as if they never existed; the self-doubt; the fear of me; the destructive relationships with people as messed up as I am.

At least here in the west I have hope. There is real hope on every corner, with every sincere strangers face. It’s almost like each and every one of them are wearing their hearts on their sleeves just struggling to make it each day, like everyone else. Here, daemons don’t seem to hide behind perfect make-up, designer clothing, and layers of lies so thick the host can’t even see through them anymore. Here, people are real. And if I ever want to get back to the world of plastic people to be with my son, I need to learn to be real with me again.

So, today, I take that first real step. I guess the vacation is over for now.

Does it matter

2007-10-21T06:23:00.001+04:00

That I really just do not care anymore?

Crack – the Epidemic

2007-09-18T20:10:00.000+04:00

Every society has its flaws. Reading Gulf News this morning I found this, not so uncommon article about a drug bust in the UAE. In UAE, we get to read about these busts, as adults we may have encountered drugs of some form at one time or another, but there really isn’t a huge problem on a social level. And I believe that law enforcement is going to continue making this a fact for a long time to come.

Last week we went to Beacon Hill Park. There, we fed ducks & geese, and watched an old man feed squirrels peanuts from his hand. It really is a beautiful park, the type of free-entry parks Dubai could use. Anyway, we sat down at a bench, just 30ft from a children’s playground where 20 odd children were playing. I lit up a cigarette, feeling somewhat guilty as in the west smoking is so frowned upon, you learn to feel guilty when little eyes can potentially see you.

A guy walks up from behind me with a cigarette in his hand, and asks to borrow my lighter. I dig through my bag and pull it out. As I hand it to him, he places his cigarette in his pocket and pulls out a crack pipe. He proceeds to smoke crack, right there, in the peak of day, right next to us complete strangers, and 30ft from the children.

Rick pretty much freaks out on the guy, which much makes him turn away. I no-longer want him to return my lighter (God knows what’s on it, Crackheads aren’t the cleanest of folk) so I tell him to keep it, just get out of there. He proceeds to walk a little down the path, and sits behind a bench. He sucks on his pipe a little while longer before starting to rummage through the grass. He’s now searching for any rocks he may have possibly lost while smoking. He spends a good 15 minutes doing this, while we contact the police.

Crack is the most addictive street drug, created by free-basing cocaine with (the most common choice) baking soda. It’s incredibly cheap, available to the public, easy to use and offers a euphoric high that will last less than five minutes. A user will no sooner be done smoking, when they’ll be craving another hit because the down is simply that unbearable compared to the high. And it’s now a real problem in British Colombia, from teens to senior citizens.

The highly addictive nature of the drug will have most people addicts after just one hit. It turns decent people into the soulless, turns friends into shells of what they used to be, and turns almost all into slaves of the pipe. Social repercussions of this increase violence, theft, and pure delinquency. Good girls literally become crack-whores, and decent men often end up homeless, mooches, and thieves, if not worse.

I read an entire book on it one day after seeing our favorite hobo, sucking the pipe down on the boardwalk. As I sat out on the balcony reading, my next door neighbor, also on her balcony asked me why I was reading a book titled Cocaine. As part of an elderly couple I thought just drank a little much, I told her the truth, I was curious because it seemed to be everywhere here. She came back and asked again, not 15 minutes later, only this time inquiring whether or not the book tells how to spot people on crack.

A conversation stuck, and she mentioned that she’d just gotten home. I asked her what they did for work, as it seemed both her and her man slept most days and worked nights. She responded by telling me, he was a taxi driver, and she was a hooker. Thinking she was joking, I laughed and told her it’s nothing to be ashamed of. She coughed and then shot back at me, ’I’m not kidding.’

She then proceeded to tell me that her cough was from ’sucking the devils cock’, and asked if that description was given in the book. She went on to talk about her being on 160mgs of some other drug simultaneously, and if she wasn’t smoking crack she was shooting it up. She said she needed help. She then decided she wanted to show me something so she ducked back into her house, for about ten minutes. When she came back there was a camera in her hand and a needle sticking out of the top of her shirt. Though I wanted to believe she just was attempting to hold or conceal it here, it honestly looked more like it was somehow braced by her chest – sticking out of her skin.

Searching through the pictures she found what she was looking for and handed it to me to take a look. There she was as she said, just six months before, a beautiful much-younger-looking woman, with an infant in her hand and a toddler on each side. As I started to look, her needle started to slip, she rushed back into her place. In the photo, she was clean, well dressed and her children were perfect examples of Gerber babies. When she got back, she proceeded to tell me that she’d lost her son six months ago, and she’s now losing herself to crack. She told me she had a college degree, was once a medical worker, and the guy she was staying with was angry at her because she wouldn’t sleep with him. She pulled up her pant leg and showed me bloody drips making their way down, from where she’d obviously stabbed herself with a needle just minutes prior, and almost in tears cried she really needed help.

Other than agree with her, that she needed help, there wasn’t much I could or can do. Crack is a growing epidemic in British Colombia. May it never become that in UAE.

Later that day by the way, the Crackwhore came back, and asked me if there was a man in the tree in front of our building. She strenuously tried to point him out to me, just above the plastic bag that had somehow made its way to a branch. There was no man. God help these people.

This isn’t the most thorough article on it, but here’s wikipedia’s information on crack: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crack_cocaine

Far more information on Cocaine & Crack Cocaine can be found here: http://www.cocaine.org/

Everlasting Love?

2007-08-24T02:43:00.000+04:00

We were sitting in the lineup for the ferries the other day, discussing the intricacies of love. Personally, I don’t believe in eternal love. I believe you meet someone and a chemical reaction takes place in both your bodies and minds. Eventually, these chemicals will fade, making attraction, all physical, emotional, and psychological, towards one another harder to experience. I believe eventually love dies and all that’s left is work.

I had made my argument in response to his, that many people claim their love for one-another until the day they die. And just as I was summing my beliefs up stating that I know no one that feels that way, I saw out the car window a very old man walk a few steps ahead of a very old woman that was just moments before at his side, then stop, take a bougainvillea in his hands, smell it, before gently pushing the flower to her face for her to smell. If that’s not love, I don’t know what love is.

“Awwe,” I said, “That’s so cute! He’s stopped to smell the flowers with her!”

My whole argument was lost when he replied, “How long do you think they’ve been together?”

I believe I may be wrong about love.

You have…

2007-08-20T20:37:00.000+04:00

Never vented a frustration; never spoken your mind without fear of repercussions. You have never felt love and hate simultaneously. You’ve never been wrong, not once in your life. You’ve never made a mistake. You’ve never had to apologize, because you’ve never hurt another person.

You need not see beyond the obvious. Your thoughts are always logically, perfectly sensible. Never have you changed your mind about how you feel, what you think, or who you judge. You don’t even stutter.

Perfection. Utter perfection. And thus, you have the only right there is to judge others based on their obvious faults.

You cannot forgive, because a person of such perfection can only ever accept perfection from those they know – and not a soul on this planet can compare to your supremacy.

I’m so glad I’m not you.

~*~

More things I’ve done since leaving UAE:

~*Rolled down a big grass hill, just for the hell of it.
~*Played on swings, in the rain.
~*Visited my very first elementary school, where the entire jungle gym looks much smaller, far shorter than I remember it.
~*Tipped rocks on the beach, searching for crabs.
~*Handed a homeless man a cigarette.
~*Broke a shoe, then threw the pair out in a public trash can. Then went on a ferry-ride, and walked the rest of the day barefoot along the boardwalk. Got a few little cuts on my feet, but it was worth it!
~*Worn runners & socks!

Iranians verses Arabs...

2007-08-19T21:27:00.001+04:00

Always makes me smile!

To Abandon A Child

2007-08-19T04:35:00.000+04:00

Years ago, I remember being told about a girlfriend of mine who picked up one day, dropped her 5-year-old daughter at her daddy’s house and proceeded to travel across Canada without her baby. For a long time I passed judgment, wondering how cold a parent could be to leave their child like that. For a long time I wanted to believe myself better than her – because at that time, even childless, I couldn’t conceive of the idea of leaving my baby. Bet your ass, I’m seeing things differently now.

Earlier today, some anonymous dipshit questioned what kind of mother ‘abandons’ her child, telling me I was a disgrace to all parents because I had to get the hell outta UAE. My bet is that comment comes from someone who doesn’t have kids, which in my opinion means they themselves aren’t fully matured. Your eyes don’t really open until you’ve mothered or fathered a child. Ask any mama. My bet is, that person isn’t only childless, but probably doesn’t consider all the other mama’s who move into the UAE without their children to make an income. My bet is, that anonymous retard knows nothing about real-life adult decisions and will one day, come to a realization just like the one I’ve come to about the old friend I mentioned above.

Now, after returning from a good friend of mines, baby’s first birthday party; where children and toddlers were running a muck making my heart ache to be with my own baby, I’ll respond to that.

What kind of mother abandons her baby? The answer’s a simple one: A really, really shitty one.

I did not abandon my baby boy. In fact, I stayed in the UAE for years longer than I should have just to be with him, in a country I believe far better for raising children than the one I’m from, but far worse for plastic people than the one I’m in now. I bought an apartment in the UAE so that I always had a home there. I fought against every demon – those real and those my mind conceived to stay there for as long as humanly possible.

I left fighting an internal struggle like no other, even as I stepped on the plane. But I knew then, just as I know now that it was; get the fuck out, kill myself, or kill someone else.

In my books a sane mama is far better than an insane mama, even if she is far away; a living mother better than one who is dead; and a healing mama is better than one who is incarcerated for murder or some other heinous crime.

As much as I’d love to have my baby boy here with me, it’d be selfish of me to even ask. And yeah, I can be selfish enough to consider it. It’d have been nice to have him at the birthday party today – he’d have enjoyed it, especially because I gave my friend’s baby boy a duplicate of one of my sons favorite toys. I know his life in Dubai is far safer, healthier and more sturdy than it could ever be here. I know he needs his daddy just as much as he does his mommy, and I’d be incredibly selfish to take that away from him. I also know that I was doing a shitty job as a mama while I was there – depressed and isolating myself.

My son’s mama is still there for him. He can pick up a phone and call me any time. And when he’s not calling me, I’m calling him. I could be on a plane in a second if I were really needed. His daddy has been invited to come out here with him so that we can spend some family time together. I will go back to him – as soon as I’m emotionally, psychically, and psychologically able.

When you abandon something, you:

1. to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert: to abandon one's farm; to abandon a child; to abandon a sinking ship.
2. to give up; discontinue; withdraw from: to abandon a research project; to abandon hopes for a stage career.
3. to give up the control of: to abandon a city to an enemy army.
4. to yield (oneself) without restraint or moderation; give (oneself) over to natural impulses, usually without self-control: to abandon oneself to grief.
5. Law. to cast away, leave, or desert, as property or a child.
6. Insurance. to relinquish (insured property) to the underwriter in case of partial loss, thus enabling the insured to claim a total loss.
7. Obsolete. to banish.

~*From Dictionary.com

I’m still very much a part of my child’s life. I did not abandon him. And I would not.

And for the anon who said my ex husband was fucked over, clearly you’re not a daddy. If you are, you're a shitty one - just like the woman who truly abandons her child. Cause my baby’s daddy wants what’s best for both his child and his child’s mama. And he knows all too well that I’ve made the best decision possible for all of us under the current circumstances. And he’s more than happy to take day-to-day care of his baby boy.

Sam Replied…

2007-08-18T19:36:00.000+04:00

…so I should curl up under a rock somewhere and allow myself to rot away – because we all know every accusation the child made about me was accurate in every single way and the entire planet feels exactly the same about me as he does.

But instead, I think I’m going shopping for my friend’s baby. It’s his first birthday party today, and we’re having a baby party.

Starts singing, ”I don’t wanna grow up, I’m a Toys R Us kid, there’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with!”

You know the marketing is good, when twelve years have passed and the same jingle from some ancient commercial still gets stuck in your head!

Half Way Between a Beer & Happiness…

2007-08-18T01:42:00.000+04:00

…is where I fit in.

Does that make my spot a good one or a bad one, I wonder?

Oops…

2007-08-16T04:29:00.001+04:00

Did I just do that famous Tainted thing… where I attack someone seemingly unwarranted and out of the blue to make you all build just a little more animosity towards me?

What do I care? The majority of you are all fake anyways!

Attack me here please… The last post is reserved for Samuraisam, if if he decides to comment.

Why Samuraisam is an Immature, Egotistical, 2-Faced, Little B!tch

2007-08-16T04:04:00.000+04:00

Alright, it’s about time for me to bitch again. And once again, my bitch is going to be about a World Famous (at least he likes to think so) Blogger.

Funny thing about this is I don’t even know where to start this one. You see, once upon a time, I cared about this pathetic little boy who has more emotional and psychological issues than any of you could assume and I could possibly fathom. I shit you not, his issues make mine look like a picnic! I even brought the little dick into my home, where he dug through my dirty laundry (literally) and sniffed my panties – and then confessed the same to me in guilty tears.

Call me a bitch for outing him, but he sure as fuck deserves this. It’s been a long time coming.

I’m sure many of you remember Sam and his attack on me, on my OWN blog, where I sat silently allowing him to tear me apart piece by piece and never said a REAL word in defense. I’m sure many of you also remember the same little fuck going through my blog and deleting everything he ever said that was offensive towards me – all by himself. And I’m sure just as many of you remember me never explaining what happened behind the scenes to make this macho-blogger literally take back everything he said.

Well guess what Sam, you’ve had more than enough time to explain yourself to me, and more than enough opportunity to apologize and instead of doing so, you choose to continue to piss me off.

Just why did you delete Babe UAE’s post in the community café? Could it be because she borrowed a few words from me, and it was the one post I decided to comment on in your world famous community blog? Could it be, you disagreed with everything she said, which pretty much only mirrored what I have already said here? She said nothing in that post that could harm your ‘community’. She said nothing that could have you banned. She made an observation, one that I’m sure many who have been there for long enough can relate to.

Could it be that just as I do you, you still hold a deep resentment for me? The only real difference is, there’s no secret as to why I resent you. You sold me out. Why you resent me is still a fucking mystery – despite the stories you’ve told others. Once upon a time, you did confess your love for me, didn’t you? It’s a thin line, isn’t it?

Sam removed all the shit he said about me, because I sent him an email promising him if he didn’t, I would respond to every single accusation he ever made, with FACTS and evidence far more incriminating towards him than his attack on me could have ever been. When people asked what happened, why we were no longer cool, he told them I blackmailed him. Sorry hun, it wasn’t blackmail. It was a promise to respond if you didn’t stop your unwarranted, unexplained, completely psychotic attack on me – which I believe occurred before I even mentioned that I could destroy your ‘blogging rep’ – which is all you really had before returning home, wasn’t it? Still got the screen shots Sam – of what you truly feel about the UAE nationals (your WHOLE site) along with a few other tidbits from emails, or msn chats we’ve had that would make people from NZM to MD shake their heads…

Samuraisam, now’s your chance to explain yourself about deleting that one entry by Babe UAE, and why you fucked me over the way you did. I, more than anyone else, would LOVE to know what I ever did to you, prior to this post. Perhaps if you explain I’ll understand, possibly even forgive… But if you choose to ignore or attack, you’ll always have an enemy right here. And that’s a game we both know you can’t play.

Such a pity too, cause I swear to God, I loved you as a brother once. But we all know how you’re going to react to this, don’t we?

I quit…

2007-08-08T04:19:00.001+04:00

I quit my job this morning. It’s GOOD to be in a place where I can do that, and not think for a moment about a potential six month ban! It’s GREAT to taste freedom in every decision I make.

UAE could learn a lot from that.

Dubai Needs REAL Parks

2007-07-26T16:29:00.000+04:00

Yesterday, a friend of mine at work decided to show me the park just behind our office. Normally, we only get a half hour break, and I’m already known as being a little slower on my feet than most people here (12 years of being spoiled in Dubai will do that to you), but yesterday we were given an hour.

Just a four minute walk behind the building, and there’s a sanctuary of beautiful isolation. In a stark contrast to the pay-to-enter parks, with man-made wonders and rides, I sat down on a non-pay-public-bench, and here’s my view:

~*~

~*~

~*~

It got me thinking about Dubai, and the major lack of truly public parks available. Here, if there’s not an actual park with a playground there’s a natural wonder on just about every corner. Perhaps the UAE society would benefit from (even man made) parks available to all – meaning no fences, or till’s to take pay, with fields of grass and perhaps some flowers that aren’t manipulated each season and just allowed to grow?

Perhaps if we didn’t find the only grass available to recline on was based in the center of a round-about or next to some sort of road structure, people would find stress in general declining? Perhaps, a it would take just a short while at a local park to help forget about our woes of the day, the traffic, the bitch in the office, the asshole boss whose taking us for a ride, the landlord whose sucking blood and money from our pockets. I know for just a moment there yesterday, I felt like melting into the sheer beauty, without a worry in the world. It was better than any Spa I’d ever seen in UAE, that’s for damn sure.

I love Etisalat (And other things UAE)

2007-07-24T17:53:00.000+04:00

Down with a cold, exhausted from the lifestyle that’s gleefully pushed itself on me, I’ve got to say, I love Etisalat (and other things UAE).

Last night Shawna called me up. Since I’ve been home, I’ve learned that her mom is staying in a crack house in Vancouver, and her younger sister was still selling herself to feed her own addiction. Shawna herself, though doing well on the Island away from the drugs, was diagnosed a year or so back as Schizophrenic. I always knew something wasn’t right with her; it didn’t take more than a teenaged confession from her that she’d called 911 thinking her head was falling off, to realize. She’s getting the medical help she needs, she’s working and she’s studying.

Last nights call wasn’t a good one though. Shawna called to inform me that Kyla was diagnosed as HIV positive.

As much as I love Canada, and I love being here – the easy access to drugs, the lawless lifestyle that’s so easy to slip into, and the repercussions are enough for me to once again thank God I’m not raising my son here.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I cried remembering Kyla and how innocent she once was. I cried, feeling pretty shitty before the call, and devastated afterwards. I guess pretty soon I’ll be taking a trip to the Crack House, to visit Kyla with her mom – where she’s now staying.

Educating Mommy...

2007-07-21T19:59:00.000+04:00

I’ve learned…

Finally working a full time job, in a huge company, where rather than basing your position on your nationality, looks, or ability to fake it, you’re actually expected to start from the bottom and work your way up no matter what, I’m learning a lot about how life is supposed to be. As much as I hate waking up first thing, on theses cold-assed mornings, it feels good to have a purpose – a real challenge. Six weeks of company training is enough to make you feel as though you’re back in fucking high school; urges to pass notes and all.

Since I’ve been home, I’ve learned:

~*You CAN have a great time without money. Most people here manage with little, and most of them have smiles on their faces.
~*How to put petrol in the car. Dubai doesn’t have ONE self-serve petrol station. Canada hardly has ONE full-serve petrol station. Now, I haven’t actually had to do this myself yet (because I’m playing the spoiled card), but if it came down to it, I’d manage alright!
~*That it’s called gas, and not petrol.
~*That you can leave your house in your pajamas and no one will look twice at you. I actually did that yesterday, in the rain. And I enjoyed it.

And the biggest lesson I’d say I’ve learned is:

~*That most people don’t realize, they only are what the world perceives them as, and not what they perceive themselves as.

Someone congratulated me on the recent choices I’ve made. That same someone, takes personal credit for suggesting I do the same months, if not years ago. Which is funny, considering the fact that this person decided I wasn’t good enough for their friendship and vanished for a short while before attempting to spark a fight with me. I’m not sure really how that works, but I do know that most people won’t take (Or even hear really) ill-gotten advice from someone who (like most Dubains) fakes friendship, fucks off without a moments notice, fails to keep their commitments (even on small levels, like say a promised coffee or phone call?) then attempts to attack you from the side for some mundane reason. Most people won’t take advice when the timing is wrong or there are conflicting aspects to the situation. And as a side note, I always, and I mean ALWAYS knew I had to get the fuck out of UAE. And I wasn’t looking for someone to agree with me concerning that decision. I rarely look for approval in what I choose to do for myself – and I when I do, I come right out and ask, “What do you think I should do?” More often than not, I ask that question of people whose opinions I respect. The truth is, I was fighting my own reality to stay with my child. There is a huge difference, and I’d think that someone educated in the emotional area would comprehend these things. But I guess it takes a mommy to understand a mommy’s heart.

Small Addictions... (We’re all allowed a few of them)

2007-07-14T23:56:00.000+04:00

I’ve been gone just over a month. And I still read Gulf News & 7Days, daily. And slowly, I’m learning to spend more time on UAE blogs as well – and I’m actually enjoying those now. It’s funny how true the saying, “Absence makes your heart grow stronger,” is. Only, my pleasure comes from an intoxicated giggle about the redundancy (and seemingly dying) UAE blogsphere. Where’d all the good bloggers go? I cleaned up my blogrolls the other day, removed most of the ones that seemed inactive. If I accidentally removed yours, let me know and I’ll put it back up.

So Sex & Dubai has been blocked. And there’s a petition about it. Whether you read the blog or not, whether you have access to it or not, please go and sign. The fact is, by ignoring proxy blocks like this, you’re simply allowing the TRA to decrease the size of UAE’s cyber world, period. And that aint right.

I’m trying to decide which direction I should take this blog from here. I could be a complete loser who sits outside the UAE and still makes comments, complaints, and demands on a country I’m currently not tied too, but I’m pretty sure that would mirror another well known blogger’s past attempts – and God forbid I’m accused of being a copycat. ~*Yeah, I’d say I’m still a little bitter there… So why not stir up a little shit when I feel like it?

I could write about life here, but I’m pretty sure that’s beyond most readers comprehensions. And I’d hate to be accused of attempting to push my values on the UAE culture – since I still very much consider myself a part of the UAE. I’m too fucked in the head to be anything but!

But I think instead, I might just ramble about experiences here and the major differences between B.C. and Dubai. The first thing I should probably write about would be my daily coffees/chats with a Jew! Until I left UAE, where anything Jewish is blacked out, wiped off the maps, or blocked by proxies I’d almost forgotten Jews still existed (hear the sarcasm there?). Now, I know Greg – in person. And I like him. I’m pretty sure he likes me too, since we have a hell of a lot in common. Do you know how popular pork is on this side of the world?

Nonetheless, I’m not yet sure where I’m going. And that should count for my silences. If you’ve got any ideas, or suggestions… Let me know. But before you do, I ask once again that you sign that petition for Sex & Dubai; even if you don’t read or like it. Blocking out reality is a sure way to stop people from learning from it.

Cheers.

A little Clarity

2007-07-07T00:42:00.000+04:00

Waking up on another beautiful Canadian day I can’t help but feel a little more relieved than I felt yesterday. It’s as if slowly, the shackles of Dubai are being lifted.

This morning, I started contemplating the reality of my never returning to the UAE as a permanent resident. This morning, was the first morning with a sober head, I considered the possibility of actually leaving the last 12 years of my life behind, for good.

Selfish as I may be for considering my son’s life without his mother – and I without him, I can’t help but feel this is something I just might have to do now. It’s too soon to tell yet, but the possibility is growing and clarifying itself daily. I can live here. I really can. But can I manage without my baby? Can he manage without me? Those are about the only questions left to be answered, I guess. And I doubt I’ll reach the conclusion any time soon.

Dubai Description – Borrowed from an Email I Sent Earlier this Week

2007-07-05T20:31:00.000+04:00

“About Dubai, I actually meant a lot of things. The excesses play a huge part, yes. But even more so, the sheer racism, bias, judgmental, perfectly plastic natural of people in general got to me over the past few years. It'd make me sick to my stomach to go out and see some newly rich British woman scream something insane at her housemaid in public, or to sit in a coffee shop and note how each table had its own nationality, or even get hit on by one bedu after another - no longer a compliment, but a HUGE turn off. I got tired of the fake friendships people build in an instant with strangers, claiming their love and their devotion to people they'd never met before - too many women in Dubai are like that, and it hurt to lose touch with or watch all my truly good friends leave. On top of it all, I hated the judgmental eyes of just about everyone there. You see, I converted to Islam and started wearing Hijab, just after high school. I'm not at all a good Muslim today, but at one time, I really tried. Everywhere I went, people were assuming (many even speaking of) wrong accusations about me - I was a prostitute, I wanted a local passport, I was anything but a Muslim.

I combated all that by isolating myself in my house. I think I only left my house two or three times in the entire month before I came back here. I'd been that way for about 3 years. Now, even back in Canada, I'm not sure if I know how to socialize anymore. I've completely lost touch. And I'm healing. That's what I meant about Dubai messing with your head and a person like me (I'm sure you knew or assumed even at a young age, that I'm Bipolar), doesn't need it.”

I have a lot of resentment for Dubai society right now. It’s little to do with the traditional, religious or the cultural aspects of the past. It has a hell of a lot more to do with the day-dreaming expatriates and their influence on what was once a culturally rich, incredibly relaxing place to live and socialize. I wish I could turn back time and kick the majority of the current population out. I wish I could take the ten lane highways and turn them back into four lane roads, with far fewer accidents and much shorter travel time. I wish I could go again to a shopping center and have people look at me and smile, rather than look at me and judge based on my appearance – or walk in the desert and have the traditional Bedu wave from atop a camel, way across the dunes, and be comfortable waving back, knowing he means no more than ‘Salaam’.

Dubai was beautiful once. I hope it becomes that, or something that resembles that again.

When in Canada I Can...

2007-07-04T21:10:00.000+04:00

On my parents last night ever in Dubai, we all sat around got a little pissed and took a couple of photos. At that time, I promised to post the photos of my mama and baba on the net because they're rather entertaining. I never actually did it, and I'm SURE it's because of those UAE social demons that scream at you that you have to be secretive about who you are and what you think. You have to be plastic in Dubai. No one should know what or who you really are.

To hell with you all and your secrets. Here's my mama:

Here's my baba...

And what's probably the furthest cry from the unhappy, fat, mentally retarded looking Tainted Female who spits venom from her mouth at any chance because she just must be so fucking miserable that you all most-likely envision, here I actually am:

No more secrets... I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am not and will not be ashamed of who I am despite what Dubai Society thinks I should or should not be doing. Buhbye Demons.

It's all Good....

2007-07-03T23:40:00.000+04:00

Back in a normal place, surrounded by normal people, I couldn’t be doing better.

For those of you who misunderstood, or choose to make judgments let’s get something clear… I love UAE. I always have and I always will. I hate the people in the UAE. And that means you.

I spent the last hour browsing UAE blogs – just for shits & giggles. Some things will never change.

Whether you accept it or not the UAE society (created by the likes of you), royally fucks you up. I doubt that anywhere on the planet do so many cultures, religions, races mix (or rather fail to mix) with more discrimination, prejudice, preconceived notions, and sheer hatred for one another. I hope, there is not a society as plastic – full of virgin Barbie-dolls (who shh – only take it up the ass, but we’re not supposed to know it), and Ken’s in their luxury cars (who shh – haven’t a dirham in their pocket for petrol because they just spent the last fill of their billion dirham loan buying their chaste but cheating girlfriend phone-credit), flashing each other fake smiles so well practiced they can’t even tell the difference anymore.

Like it or not, stay there long enough and you become one too. I’ll be fighting the UAE social demons out of my head right up until I eventually return. And even then, I won’t win the battle.

I’m good. I’m all good. And it’s thanks to a normal society.

I'm leaving.

2007-06-08T10:10:00.001+04:00

After hanging up with you I sat on the couch. I carved a reminder in my arm that says, "Leave him". I watched it bleed before he woke up and took me to bed telling me he loved me and was sorry he hurt me. I lay in bed for an hour thinking about how much it hurts before deciding suicide was the only option. That scared me. I woke him up and told him I needed help. I told him I wanted to die and was terrified I was going to kill myself. He complained about his semi-bruised face from where I’d hit him earlier, and then told me he was my help. That’s when I realized just how fucking lonely I am. The only person I actually have to talk to here, is the one person who keeps pushing me over the edge like this.

So I called my mom.

She's arranging a ticket for me out of here as soon as possible. Almost hysterical I told her I've absolutely had enough of this place and need to get the fuck out before I do hurt myself or someone else. I told her to wait, let me sell off the car and the flat and then I'll come home permanently. I weakly asked her about my son and she assured me I could come visit him yearly. Right now, I believe yearly is better than never again.

She doesn't want me to wait though. She tells me to fuck the car and the flat. Spend a few months back home. Clear my head. Then make a rational decision. I'm in no position to argue. That's what I'm doing, I guess.

I don't know what day I'm flying out. I don't know when I'll be back. I do know I'm going home to arrange a permanent life for myself there so that I can leave this God forsaken place once and for all.

Love you. I'll be in touch.

I'm Blessed

2007-06-05T13:32:00.000+04:00

I’m blessed.

I have a four-year-old son. I am divorced. Though officially, I have custody of my baby, my ex husband and I share custody equally.

I’m blessed.

I never knew my biological father. My mother ran half across Canada to get away from him while I was just an infant. I met him for the first and last time when I was 13 years old.

I’m blessed.

When couple’s with children separate, the children suffer as well. In most cases, I honestly believe it’s best for the parents to find common ground and pull through for their babies. In some cases, I fully believe what my mother did was right.

When I met my father, I also met my half-brother and my father's new wife. She shivered and shook at any quick movement he made, almost embracing for the bash that was about to crack into her. She quivered when he spoke. I’m blessed because I was saved from a childhood of physical abuse from my father. I hope my half brother was saved the same way.

When I divorced my husband, he and I had already spent a year prior, setting a less than desirable example as a couple for my son. My ex was physically abusive, though not regularly. There is a clinical reason for his temper being as it was. He now, shows no signs of or desire to abuse, me nor my son and we get along just fine. I’m blessed because I’m able to insure my son will be raised with both his parents in his life, trying to set a positive example for him.

There are some cases, where the children simply aren’t as lucky as I figure both me and my son are. If you’re in one of those situations now deciding on your children’s fate, trust your gut. My mom did. I did. And believe until today, we’ve both made the best possible choices for our children.

Why?

2007-05-30T18:04:00.000+04:00

I don’t know why you don’t understand that I want to be with you and I want it to work for both of us; not just me or you.

I don’t know why when I reach out to you, you pull away.

I don’t know why I’m being so hard on you and us this time, but I believe it’s because I’m just so tired of it all.

I don’t know why we can’t make it work. I know you tried and I tried too.

I don’t know why I love you, but I do.

I can...

2007-05-26T08:31:00.000+04:00

How many of you can relate?

When you’re so young…

2007-05-25T10:30:00.000+04:00

At 17 or 18 years old I took one of my first jobs in the UAE in a satellite television company. I worked in the customer service call center for the better part of two years. During my stay, I was able to build strong friendships with many members of the staff, in particular the man who was at the time the Regional Director of the company and is until today one of my very best friends.

I had a coffee/meeting with him last week concerning some future endeavors we’re considering. Usually, these meetings will bring up stories from the past like the one about Shakil and the office boy.

Shakil was one of the greatest people a person could know. He was always smiling, always positive, and always full of energy. He was young and healthy, the kind of guy who though a smoker, always ate the right foods, exercised and took ten-minute power naps in the office in afternoons on particularly busy days. The man would often buy me lollipops, since I was the baby of the group. And the guy was a fucking comedian as well.

At the time, we’d had an office boy who couldn’t speak much English. Everyday around lunch time he’d knock on Shakil’s door, pop his head in and ask him, “Sir, I go now?” To which Shakil would respond, “Yeah, yeah fuck off then.”

It wasn’t long before the office boy’s English vocabulary picked up. Shakil was just finishing up a coffee with a few business guests, when the office boy pops his head in and with a big grin of pride and achievement on his face and says, “Sir, I fuck off now?”

The entire office stared for a moment, before finally bursting out in laughter.

Stories of Shakil were always light hearted and entertaining, just like that one. He left the company shortly before I did shortly after divorcing his wife in one of the quickest, kindest, and rational divorce proceedings full of mutual respect I can until today imagine, and moved to the UK for better opportunities. I hadn’t heard a peep from him since his move, though I’d often wondered what happened to him.

So, last week when my friend casually asked, “Do you remember Shakil?” I was quick to respond with a huge smile and an “Of course I do! How is he?”

Before the words were fully out of my mouth he responded, “He’s dead.”

Shakil was young; maybe in his late twenties or early thirties back then. He was healthy. He was full of life. And the word ‘dead’, just didn’t and still doesn’t seem to fit. My jaw dropped. How did it happen?

Apparently Shakil had suffered a heart attack. There are rumors that imply personal habits may have helped conceive the heart attack, but knowing Shakil I can’t believe them true.

Whatever the cause, whatever the reason, he’s gone. And I’ve spent the better part of my time since learning this ignoring, trying to forget or push that fact back – while somehow it manages to keep me awake at night. I don’t want to believe that another truly amazing person is no longer on this planet. And I haven’t even shared this fact with even my closest of friends or fiancé, excepting the one person I spoke to on the evening of that coffee, and even then it just sort of slipped out without prior thought because I was absolutely exhausted from my trip to Abu Dhabi (where this meeting took place).

I suppose it’s time I really face it. Life is fragile. You’re not immortal. Neither am I.

May you rest in peace Shak.

For the Love of i*maginate…

2007-04-30T06:24:00.000+04:00

A long time since I’ve posted anything here…

Truth be told, I’m so no longer interested in the blogging scene. Most bloggers piss me off with the same redundant bullshit being spat from their mouths, and those who don’t simply don’t blog often enough to keep me entertained. I have a short attention span.

I have other things to do these days. Can’t be assed to spit my opinion about anything to people I don’t know, who don’t really give a shit anyway. Blogging seems like a beauty pageant/popularity contest that I don’t want to be a part of. And very few of the facades (even my own) are real.

Maybe I’ll change my mind eventually, but for the time being I’m just not interested in sharing my thoughts with anyone I can’t touch in real life.

For those of you who have emailed me, and your notes have gone seemingly ignored, my last entry should hint, I’m depressed. I’m thoroughly working on isolating myself in my own house, and I rarely leave even for the slightest of reasons. Aside from the occasional needed trip to grocery store, or the short drive to drop my son or pick him up from school, I go nowhere. I rarely pick up my phone and I just don’t want to bother with anything or anyone. Call me a selfish bitch, decide I’m not worth your time, whatever. It’s not going to change what I think and feel about the world right now.

I simply have nothing to say just now. I’m not ignoring you, personally. I just have no interest in anything at all – other than taking care of my son and making my jewelry and selling it online peacefully. I can be nice doing that. I like being nice more than I do the bitch that’s demanded of me here.

I’m considering finding a shrink before I end up one of those 70-year-old women who is witness to a horrific crime from her balcony, only to be called to court to testify where she’s torn personally to shreds for her account of the incident because she’s not left her house in the last fifty years – her reality must be distorted.

But until I do… don’t count on me having much to say.

Like Everything Else...

2007-03-22T09:54:00.000+04:00

Someone else has already said it for me.

Death…

2007-02-13T07:30:00.000+04:00

I called up a friend of mine yesterday. His phone was switched off. In four years, this is the first time I’ve ever found his phone off. My first thought, ’he’s died’. Chances are his battery died, he’s on plane somewhere, or his phone simply switched off in his pocket and he didn’t realize. But I can’t force myself to try calling again just yet, just in case.

Ever since I was little I’ve been obsessed with death. It’s not necessarily an unhealthy obsession, just something that I try to keep in the front of my mind – and when I succeed, it totally consumes me. Most people, I believe, like to trick themselves into thinking they're immortal. In reality, death is the only certainty we have in life. So why not embrace it? And if you could, what would you change?

Would you still be the self-centered, egotistical, too-good-for-everyone-else bitch that you are? Would you quit drinking? Would you start praying and try your hardest to be religiously devoted? Would you apologize to everyone you know you’ve wronged, but couldn’t admit to yourself because your ego was just that big? Would it knock you down a notch? Would you realize that you’re no better than anyone else, simply because you too, will die with the rest of us?

I forget sometimes, that I’ll die. Just like everyone else. But there’s always something small, like a switched off phone, to remind me. If he’s dead, what will that mean to me?

He’s married. His wife knows nothing about me. We don’t have a physical relationship or anything like that. Nonetheless, I’m his secret. How would ever know if he were dead? And if and when I found out, would it affect anything immediately? I have something that belongs to him; or rather to his company. Eventually, they’ll need that back. Would I hold on to it, as a final reminder? Would I contact someone else I know who works with him just to return it? And if so, would they even care if he were actually gone? And am I psychotic to even think about something so small, when death is in the picture making it a much bigger picture? Or is that just human nature?

It’s the little things that come with death that make it so interesting for me. There's security in knowing that I know for sure I'll die, when I know nothing else.

Can’t be as*ed to blog these days…

2007-02-09T10:13:00.000+04:00

Perhaps it’s my shitty net connection. Perhaps it’s the depression seeping in and making a home in my skin. Perhaps it’s the fact that I’ve been too busy trying to get my life & health together while dealing with the stress of knowing that my family is actually, really, truly gone; out of the UAE for good, while I’m left here in the Middle East, because of those invisible strings between mother and child & the legal complexities of having a UAE national son and an ex UAE national husband.

I haven’t been all that great. But I’ve not been all that bad either. These days, it seems like there’s a bottle to relieve every pain. ((And don’t bother giving me shit for that, I’ve heard it all before and won’t listed to you now)).

These days, it feels like almost every other person’s blog entry I read, I’ve already read somewhere, or pondered before. That’s of course excluding the rare few who actually have original thoughts or ideas to share. And the same goes for almost every news article I read.

These days, I simply have little to say.

Modern Theft – DU They Think They’ll Get Away With It?

2007-01-24T19:28:00.000+04:00

DU are modern thieves. There’s little more to this story than that. But bare with me anyway, assuming false charges against Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Makhtoum triggers your curiosity, that’s where this is going. And yup, that’s exactly what DU’s done.

I bought a flat from Nakheel. No, that’s not correct; I bought a flat that was developed by Nakheel from a real-estate agent. For a moment, let’s assume it wasn’t a flat but a vehicle developed by Mercedes, and sold to me by some authorized distributor. Does Mercedes, or say Eppco petrol station have the right to sign a contract with each other, giving Eppco exclusive rights to my petrol needs, banning me from using Emirates petrol stations? What if Eppco didn’t have any petrol in stock and probably wouldn’t for the next 3, 6, or even 9 months, while Emirates was fully equipped to serve my needs today? What if I bought my Mercedes with the intention of using it as a taxi; my only form of income? Does Eppco have the right to financially handicap me that way? No logic, no matter how bent, twisted or exaggerated, can convince me that such a contract would be ethically, morally, or economically fit, anywhere on the planet between any two companies. On the contrary, every singe day that went by, Mercedes & Eppco both would be stealing my consumer rights and my daily income.

And that’s exactly what DU is attempting to do to me and any other Nakheel, (and even Emaar, so I’ve heard) property owner right now. You see, DU’s signed contracts with Nakheel, giving them exclusive rights to the communication infrastructure of all the new properties. To make simple, it means they’ve build all their tunnels banning Etisalat from doing the same, but they’ve not got any active wiring to actually install people’s communication needs in their houses. Letters have been sent to Etisalat banning them from serving any Nakheel property owner, so Etisalat can’t just run their wiring through and give us all internet, cable and telephones. No, no without a no objection letter for Etisalat, we’re forced to wait out DU. And as we all know, DU isn’t prepared to serve anyone anything yet, despite their multiple promises concerning their completion dates, they’ve ye to come through. What logic gives DU the right to enforce some bizarre ban on my property, literally stealing my consumer right to chose, simply because they’ve got infrastructure rights to this building, regardless of DU’s current consumer incompetence, is truly beyond my comprehension. And since both Nakheel & DU repeatedly tried to place the blame on Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid, claiming he had signed a decree making all of *New Dubai* exclusive to DU and banning Etisalat from serving the same area, I have an inkling it’s beyond these company owners conscious ethics, as well. Infrastructure rights and consumer rights are two completely different things. A lesson DU’s manager needs to learn.

You see, after hearing this excuse from multiple staff members in both DU & Nakheel, who I’m more than willing to name, I called the executive office of HH Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid and inquired about it. I couldn’t believe that man with such a gleaming reputation for logical morals would consider such a decree. And of course, no decree of such consumer thievery was ever signed, according to a gentleman who has given me permission to also pass on his name to the appropriate parties. But DU still doesn’t want to admit it. And they’ve done a fantastic job of convincing their staff, because even as I heard it pretty much from the concerned mouth itself; offered a name and the telephone numbers to them, many of DU’s staff members still argued that this decree was a fact. Tell me, are DU staff members calling the Executive Office liars? And if so, where should that leave them and their company all together?

Nakheel on the other hand, was immediate to apologize for the mistake. Nakheel on the other hand, has more ethics than DU ever will. Nakheel, though a company I was almost outraged by initially through this entire scenario, eventually gained my respect. They gave me my letter.

I need internet. I want it from Etisalat. ‘Why’ is irrelevant to DU and they have no right to inquire. But to state the obvious, it’s because DU isn’t prepared yet. To state the unobvious, I never intended to shift to DU and I won’t even consider it now, after speaking to DU’s grossly rude, completely egotistical, incomprehensibly arrogant manager, who has no problem stealing from me and forcing all us property owners to use DU’s services against our wills. All of which he was more than happy to make clear during my conversation with him, “I am not willing to break my contract with Nakheel for you.”

Haven’t you already broken multiple contracts concerning deadlines, which assuming such contracts existed, would make you in void of them anyway?

To which I actually shouted back, “All of your staff is telling me it’s ok to have Etisalat installed, but you’re not willing to give it in writing. What you mean is, you intend to deceive the public by stating you never forced us to use your services, knowing Etisalat can’t do anything without a ‘No Objection’ letter from you, effectively binding us to you by force?”

“Yes. Maybe if you learned to speak nicely to people, you’d get somewhere in life.”

Funny, I got further than you did. Right now, Etisalat is running their wires in your infrastructure and will be providing me the services I want. Seems like you lost a potential customer – and are now being rightfully slammed on the net, while I got what are my rights; what I wanted from the start.

It was that simple. The man admitted to being a deceiving, money-grubbing thief, with the audacity to give me life advice. Personally, I’ll never deal with a company managed by such a person, even if it somehow evidently means reselling my flat and never dealing with Nakheel as well, again – though that would be a pity as they’ve been more than helpful in sorting this issue out. I don’t recommend you deal with DU either.

What I want to know now, is why haven’t any of the local newspapers reported this pretty massive (for us and for potential future property owners) issue? Had I known about DU’s attempts at modern thievery, I’d not have bought here in the first place. Or I’d have been damn sure I sorted this all out before I considered purchasing. I wasn’t lucky. I was pushy and demanding about my consumer rights. And eventually, I got exactly the help I needed from Nakheel. But it was only after so much effort I was almost exhausted. And I don’t imagine many people would bother taking it as far as I did simply due to lack of required energy. And I wonder if Nakheel will eventually be forced to write a “No Objection” letter for 70,000 + individual property owners before DU realizes they can’t force anyone to use their services – regardless of their infrastructure rights.

Deserves Recognition

2007-01-07T07:37:00.000+04:00

Hey tainted whoremale. shut the fuck up.

lol

That's gotta beat any insult I've ever heard in blogsphere. Let's make a game of this.

Leave your best insult directed towards me (or others - as in ANONYMOUS OTHERS I don't want personal attacks directed at anyone other than me, and will delete any such attempts) in the comments here. If you manage to get me giggling more than this one did, I'll give you a cookie.

Wash my Mouth out with Soap…

2007-01-03T13:08:00.000+04:00

…Because I haven’t heard that one before.

I’ve got a problem. Actually, I believe I’ve got a few. Either I’m lacking comprehension or a fair number of my readers are. Before I start whining, let me point out the oddity of people’s addiction to the things they hate… once again.

Why the fuck do so many people who claim not to like me, still read my blog? If I’m always whining, then you should know there’s nothing here that interests you. Common sense would tell me not to bother. If curiosity is the cause, then take your look, confirm what you’ve already preconceived and get the fuck out. Why in the world attempt to start an argument with someone who literally has a blog reputation for being a bitch and tearing the shit out idiots, over and over again in the past? Do you think you can win?

I’m softer than I once was. I’ll give you that. My writing’s not up to par. And I really don’t care enough to turn this into a complete rant. But what I can do, is point out how truly oblivious some people (in particular, bloggers) are.

I knew something like this was coming. But I assumed it would be more articulate, a little more offensive, and it would take a little longer for anyone to jump at the opportunity to vocalize how much they dislike me. I also assumed it would be coherent. Someone please tell me, where in this post Mr. Haroun commented on, I could possibly be described as whining. From what I can see, that post was pretty fucking positive. And I believe I even made a comment to blackfeline about how sending a letter bomb would be better suited for a time when things aren’t going so wonderfully well for me.

Haroun, the biggest offense you’ve managed to make, is the fact that I’ve got your blog listed on my blogroll, while you haven’t listed mine in return. I love you just the same and I will continue to read your non-whining-stories of heartache, encouragingly-non-pathetic attempts to find the right woman, and all about your non-deplorable sexual attraction towards your dog, with sincere devotion.

Blinded by Simultaneous Love & Hate – Saddam’s Execution & Response

2007-01-03T01:41:00.000+04:00

Like most bloggers who have been silent, I assume, I’ve had some very conflicting feelings and thoughts concerning the execution of Saddam Hussein. Before I share my thoughts on this topic, I need you all to know a few very important facts so you know where I’m coming from. I am a Muslim convert. I’m not a very good one. I’m Suni. My ex husband, and consequently my son are both Shia. I do not believe that I have the right to force my son to follow Suni ways, as both sects believe the child should follow the father’s religion. That doesn’t mean I will discourage him from learning about Suni ways, as I believe with all my heart that I failed to educate myself about the true differences prior to marriage, and thus my son, my ex, and myself will have severe internal conflicts concerning this all in the future. I fully believe that Allah will lead my son to the right path, so long as I make knowledge of both sects available no matter what.

I personally do not believe in the Shia path. But I’m in no position to hold their beliefs against them in any way. I simply can not understand or accept a large number of aspects to it. Though, I can accept that the reasoning for this could be that I’m simply not yet educated enough on the topic itself, or that no one has been able to explain a few things that I believe are contradictory.

I am NOT trying to start a Suni/Shia debate. I am not a scholar and I will probably have little or nothing to add to any conversation of the sorts. I’m simply going to explain my reaction and what I believe is really happening with Saddam’s execution.

I, like countless others watched the video of Saddam’s execution. Don’t bother throwing your shit at me for linking that, as some ignorant, anonymous ass did CG, in the UAE Community Blog. Like it or not, the majority of the population on the planet has some sense of morbid curiosity and will watch this clip for that reason alone. And I’m betting a large percentage of Saddam’s victims’ families need to see this video for some sort of closure, simply because it’s all too common that famous people’s deaths are denied and doubted to the fullest extent. Think about it, how many people still think Elvis is alive? Photoshop can do wonders, as most internet users are well aware. The photographs simply would not be enough for some.

Now back to the topic; my first response to the news of his execution drew a complete blank. I later watched the video and found myself disgusted. Slowly, I started to piece together an actual opinion on it all. You see, I’m not disgusted that Saddam has been executed. I’m not disgusted that he’s been hanged rather than executed through lethal injection or some other ‘humane’ form. I believe in the death sentence. I believe a murderer deserves to die. And there is no doubt, people died in Saddam’s hands. But I also believe that the reason a killer should be executed is because Allah is the best at handing out consequences. And Allah knows best what any person deserves. And execution will send the executed to Allah immediately, and we living can move on knowing that then justice has been truly served.

I was not so disgusted at the shouting of Saddam’s rival’s name. That simply confused me concerning Shia’s a little further. I believe that should I be in the sight of death, the only thing I should be thinking or saying is, “With Allah his soul, where true justice resides”. Don’t misunderstand that, I’ve never been taught that through Islam or elsewhere. I just know it’s what I feel is the morally right thing to think, feel and say in such a situation. I could be way off as my morals certainly aren’t saint-like and I've never watched a person die; however I also believe Allah gave us all the innate ability to know between right and wrong. To me, that was simply wrong. To me, it’s almost like replacing a time when you should be worshiping, with praise for a human being for the sake spite.

Anyway, I wasn’t disgusted at the taunting of a man whose life was seconds from oblivion. That disturbed me, but I can see why some would be unable to bite their tongues.

I was disgusted by the sheer, single laughter heard almost immediately after his demise. To me, that single laughing voice speaks volumes of equality between the evil of Saddam Hussein while slaying countless people and the evil of the man who was able to laugh at such a moment.

Why?

Intent; subconscious belief and reasoning. Allah alone knows our intent. Allah alone knows what’s in our hearts. But that sheer laughter, while death has literally just taken place in front of this mans' eye, was an unconscious response. A piece of a man’s heart he simply couldn’t contain. I don't believe he was born with the ability to react in such a way. I believe he was created. Just as I believe Saddam was created.

I don’t know if Saddam ever laughed while or immediately after murdering people. I don’t care to know either. I believe he deserved to be executed. Period. But I do believe that while the Shia’s in Iraq celebrate so joyously for what they consider their victory, and the Suni’s avenge all the loss after both the death of Saddam on the day of Eid, and the loss of the Baath regime, whom they truly loved, they’re all being side-swiped by the kafr, who were responsible for building Saddam into the monster he was in the first place; the kafr who neglected to stop him while the atrocities were actually taking place but forged an excuse to punish him later. I believe that the Muslim’s both Suni & Shia are having their undeniable hate for one another played on; pulled like strings to puppets and neither one is to gain in the long run. I believe that love and love lost and hate, hate for those who where the hands of that loss, two of human beings' strongest emotions are the tools being used by the kafr to tear the Middle East, the Muslims even further apart.

And I believe it’s all for the sake of oil.

Who the Hell Wrote That?

2007-01-02T13:19:00.000+04:00

After reading through that last entry of mine, and realizing it doesn’t even sound like me, I’ve come to accept that I can be a really, really shitty writer at times. I can’t even follow that entry to the end without getting bored. Allow me to apologize now for anyone who had the misfortune of actually reading that.

I’ve been browsing blogs again lately – thank you CG. It’s taking me a while to get around to all the ones that I used to frequent and I’ve seen very few new ones but I’ve got to say, with so little being said about Saddam’s execution, so much being said in the silence and the same hums about traffic, the same idiocy of your average anonymous commentator, not all that much has changed in blogsphere.

I suppose I should make this my official ‘I’m BaAAAAaaaack’ entry and explain my absence, what’s been happening throughout, what’s going on now, and why my blog most probably won’t sound even close to the way it used to, in new entries.

First of all, I removed my blog thanks to that infamous twat who was interviewing expatriates in the UAE for research for a book he’d like to write. I along with others were talked into sharing details of our lives, thoughts, and other information about interaction between locals and non-locals in the UAE under the impression that he was intending to write something positive and truthful about the UAE. When he found himself apprehended by authorities (and believe me, authorities here don’t apprehend people without a hint of a reason), he sent an apologetic note about how all his files including those with my blog url, correct contact details and some of my personal writing – which I did not give him permission to share or publish, were confiscated. I wouldn’t be calling him a twat for this happening, nor would I have been so incredibly offended by this inconsiderate being, had he not written the most arrogant, insulting, absolutely unbalanced, account of his apprehension in the UAE and the UAE society in general shortly after in his blog, without any regard for those like me who still might have been in harms way due to these files being confiscated.

At the time I had too much going on otherwise to even bother with the ass, who if you haven’t noticed has achieved in losing any respect I might have once had for him. Around the time I received this man’s hyped up, paranoid email talking about how his situation would become an international issue because he is a bull-whatever-the-fuck-that-noone-in-the-uae-knows-or-
gives-a-damn-about, I was going through my own personal hell. It simply made sense to remove my blog at the time, and not bother with it at all.

As many of my previously avid readers know, I had gone back home to Canada for surgery. I failed to mention here or anywhere in public exactly what the problem was and without sharing any in-depth details due to potential consequences of doing that (and I’d appreciate it if any of you who know or are intelligent enough to figure it out, don’t say anything here in public – failure to comply will only make me delete any comments and initiate comment moderation) my body was being poisoned by a deceased foreign object. By the time I reached Canada, I was literally on the verge of death and had I not reached when I did, I would be dead now. Thank you Layla123, for your support, right up until the last moment. I’ll not forget it, ever.

It took me well over my month there, and beyond that to recover. I am fine now, and I’m not asking for any pity because of this. I am fully at fault for what happened. Do not misunderstand. I’m sharing these details for the sake of explaining my absence and my very severe change of heart concerning most things.

The bottom line is, I don’t give a fuck anymore about a lot of things I used to, in particular bloggers and most people in general. I learned a lot and my eyes were truly opened. I believe anyone who has been as close to death as I was, would have a similar change of heart concerning life in general.

2006 was a complete bomb for me in most every possible way. There’s no where for 2007 to go but up. Prior to the New Year, I’d started working on all the changes I finally realized I needed to make and stick to. I’m currently spending most of my time attending to souq.com where I’ve become an avid seller. I import items from abroad, I sell the jewelry I make, and I sell off all sorts of odds & ends that are no longer needed, as my parents are leaving to Canada for good on the 10^th of this month. I make a fairly moderate amount of money each month from souq, and since I only intend to expand my stock and thus sales, I believe should I continue I should be able to make a really decent amount of money in the next few months time. It’s my solution to not working for another dickhead boss in the UAE again. However, I may have to take up a job temporarily because I’m also in the process of a few other things.

Right now I’m purchasing an apartment, and I’ve succeeded in taking a loan that will cover that expense. The apartment is located close to my ex husbands place, and my sons school which is perfect. The ex husband and I are getting along better than we ever have, and he’s literally shocked me with kindness recently.

The boy and I have separated again, and this time it’s for good. In fact, I’ve given my word to a few people that I’ll never take him back. I’m not sure if I believe myself yet, because the truth be told… I’m a stupid little girl at the end of the day and I really did love the guy with all my heart. It doesn’t help that I’m a romantic at heart, and I’m totally in love with being in love, but I don’t have the time or the energy to date or even meet new people. I’m fucking lonely without him. But currently, I hate him just the same.

So that’s it… That’s what’s been going on and that’s pretty much where I stand now. I’m sure I left a lot of details out and it’s not intentional. I may or may not get around to filling in the rest later.

Until then, may all of us have a better 2007, than 2006 in every possible way.

Race, Theft, Scam & the UAE

2007-01-01T11:28:00.000+04:00

This morning over coffee with my parents we were discussing multiple changes in the UAE that have taken place over the last decade. With them going for good, they can reflect on the good and the bad with a rather objective eye. One of the major changes, due to increased living expenses and general lower quality of life I’d guess, is increased crime rates.

My father informed me that ‘Smily’ a man whose name we can’t pronounce, who works here with my father’s birds and always has a huge smile on his face, was robbed last week.

Smily was walking to the bus stop to catch a bus to the souq. He had on him 1500Dhs, two months worth of his salary and though I’m not sure, I’m guessing he was intending to buy gifts for Eid for his family back home. I’m going to stop you right there and tell you not to bother giving me or my family shit about his shitty salary as the fact is, we don’t condone it, it’s not up to us and if it were, he’d be paid more. In fact, my father often does give him and all the other workers bonuses strait from his pocket though he’s not in any way responsible for their salaries.

Anyway, he was approached by two Egyptian guys in a car, who offered to drive the literally poor man to the souq. Smily agreed happily. I bet he was thinking he'd saved a bit of transportation money, and came across truly kind-hearted people. Once in the car, the men took Smily to a deserted road, where with the threat of violence they demanded he give them all his money. Two months worth of salary gone. They let him go, but he failed to take the license plate number and has refused to make an official police complaint on the bases that he believes nothing will be done about it because Smily is an Indian.

I think a couple of things about this. To start with, the police’s incompetence has less to do with race than most here would like to presume. Just last year my father and a Canadian business colleague who was here on a short business trip, were sitting in busy restaurant when a couple of Indian scam artists approached, one diverting the whole table’s attention while the second crept up from behind swiping my father’s colleagues bag, which happened to be literally full of cash for a pending falcon purchase. My father caught on quick, chased the thief until he dropped the bag, but never actually caught either of them. The restaurant owner then informed my father’s table that the same thing had happened two days earlier when a German woman’s purse was snatched there. They’d called the police but the police never bothered to show up. This time, the Asian national was the thief and European/Western tourists the victims. Nothing was done.

The second thing I think is that Smily, failing to make an official complaint is just another example of the reasons why Asians are most often the target of such crimes, and even alternative types of abuse. Smily is far from the only Asian I’ve ever come across who refuses to officially stand up for their rights because of a prenotion that nothing will be done. In fact, a huge percentage of Asians I know tend to think and act like this. And the widespread knowledge of this attitude is why they’re often the target of thieves like this, I’m sure.

What happened to Smily and his final reaction to this all is incredibly sad. This morning, one of the workers is intending to make a complaint to the Sheikh who he officially works for, not for the sake of catching the thieves but because he hopes the Sheikh will show mercy and offer him the money he was ripped of. Personally, if I were the Sheikh I wouldn’t dare – for the simple reason that UAE is famous for scams and without an official complaint, how in the world can I verify that this robbery actually took place? And who is to say that next week, another complaint won’t be made by one of the many, many other workers I have, again without any actual proof, and I’d be expected to show the same sort of mercy? I’d be counting on a single act of mercy shown towards one man, one incident, turning into a deceitful bonus for all my employees before I could count on it actually being appreciated.

You can argue that all you'd like. But I'm betting the Sheikh agrees with that concept, because he himself has gone through it before in the past. And I'm also betting Smily had a larger chance of getting anything in return if he'd only made an official complaint - whether it be the police actually catching the thieves or the Sheikh showing financial mercy.

No Promises…

2006-12-31T10:38:00.000+04:00

Got Bored of Potential Waste. I’m flakey. I do that. I also have little to say just now. But I decided Tainted’s been too quiet for long enough. Maybe I'll come up with something worthwhile soon.

Until then... Happy New Year all.

Herlock

2006-10-25T14:28:00.000+04:00

Herlock Sholmes ???

What the hell happened to your blog? It is now fincheswings, some spam crap. I thought I screwed it all up in my template, but all looks right to me – except, you’re no longer there!

Crave Me & Hush

2006-10-25T00:03:00.000+04:00

There’s something there isn’t there?

You are disgusted by every word I type, confused by every thought I share, taunted by every essence of me that crosses your mind. Despise is not a strong enough word to describe what you feel for me.

You fucking hypocrite.

You don’t have to say it. I know, though your sugar coated words and versed lines. You can’t even comprehend the words I say, before you start assuming what I mean. My thoughts don’t register in your mind no matter how clearly I display them, because your eyes only allow you to see what you’ve conditioned them too see. I prefer to be free of conditioned thoughts. I will not be apologetic for that.

And there’s something about my evil that makes you feel good inside. Something about my destitute nature that makes you feel just a little bit better about yourself. There’s something that gives you a high. And you won’t be apologetic for that.

So crave me & hush… But don’t kid yourself. Your desire to be here says more to me than you’ll ever know.

Personal Lubricants

2006-10-23T14:16:00.000+04:00

Once upon a time Dubai was a sex-free city. At least that’s what the supermarkets, drugstores & petrol stations would have had you believe. I remember people whispering over the counter to the pharmacist in the pharmacy for a tube of KY – as if they were ashamed to be purchasing it. Over the past few years though, things have changed. One of the most notable of all is the availability of condoms, delay sprays and personal lubricants available right off the shelf in most public shopping places. Unfortunately, we’ve still got a long way to go when it comes to sex paraphernalia. Customs will still stop you for attempting to bring handcuffs or vibrators through the airport. But I’m not going on about that. I’m gonna talk about and evaluate personal lube for you.

Available in Dubai:

Durex Play

Probably the most common lube found in every supermarket in the United Arab Emirates, Durex Play comes in two types, Heat & Regular. Seems to me like Durex has replaced KY, as it’s about the only lube I’ve seen here in years (unless you count the next one I’ll share with you).

Scent: Unscented

Taste: Like sugar-coated-shit, literally

Texture: Sticky, honey-like, and disgusting. MUST shower immediately after use.

Comments: The heat one induces a sensational tingle, but the truth be told, the taste combined with the feeling that you’re covered in sticky molasses means this lube is a bigger turn off than turn on.

NITRO Canada

This ‘Love Gel Foam’ was found in some remote market in the middle of Ajman. I assure you, it has yet to hit the shelves in Canada.

Scent: Like Indian curry. I’m not joking.

Taste: Like Indian curry with ginseng.

Texture: A combination of the water and the backside of duct-tape.

Comments: I recommend this product is used for anything but a personal lubricant. It is worth purchasing for the literature found on the back though. My favorite lines for your entertainment, “A Wondrous Love Gel Foam This gel foam is a highly potent sexual excitant for ladies. The culmination of years research and the experience of experts in herbal extract. It regulate the function of the vagina system. After use. The vagina becomes nicely moisturized and lubricated right away.” Even the sales pitch (what I can make of it) has me questioning whether this ‘lube’ is for the woman or the man!?

Available Abroad:

KY Sensual Mist

Available in any supermarket or drug store in Canada.

Scent: Unscented

Taste: Tasteless

Texture: Smooth, just like regular KY. Gets a little sticky when drying, but nothing too torturous.

Comments: Great for when there’s simply no time to waste fucking around.

KY Touch Massage: Fireside

Available in any supermarket or drug store in Canada.

Scent: Floral & Spicy, 100% fantastic.

Taste: Tasteless

Texture: Silky and sensual. A massage oil, plus personal lube (so long as you’re not using latex condoms), this is a brilliant product, with no sticky after-feel.

Comments: My favorite; even though this is supposed to warm against the breath and it doesn’t necessarily do that. I will have someone bring more in once my bottle finishes. Either that or I’ll petition some company to import it.

KY Touch Massage: Warming Personal Lube

Available in any supermarket or drug store in Canada.

Scent: Unscented

Taste: Tasteless

Texture: Similar to regular KY, far less sticky than Durex Play.

Comments: Warms as promised. For those sensitive to smell or using Latex condoms, this is a must have; another one worth petitioning.

Last time you left the UAE… What unavailables did YOU bring back with you? And what did you forget to bring?

The Post without Commas - Sex and Dubai

2006-10-23T10:36:00.000+04:00

Since I cant figure the font thing out, Ill have to let it figure me out. Im training myself to type without commas or exclamation marks; at least for the time being. And Im doing it for your sake, so you can read. So thank me, rather than bitch about it. What a disgrace this will be to the English language, especially in coalition with my stunning spelling abilities that are already in action.

Back to reading the papers and listening to the whining Brit mom who calls racism because some club wont allow them to bring their maid in with them, the traffic woes, and all the insightful commentators on recent reported events. Women here are finally figuring out theyre in a sex depraved country and as a general rule here men dont take their simple smile as any less than an invitation to fuck. Bravo, Ladies. Good on you for realizing youre in the UAE. Good thing redundancy only pisses me off enough to get me ranting. How nauseous would I be, otherwise?

What I actually wanted to say is that the other day I came across a blog that Id seen for the first time, only. I highly suggest you all take a look (if you havent already) at Sex and Dubai. I highly doubt youll find redundancy in this blog. And if you don’t leave there laughing, either youre a prude, or seriously… there is something wrong with you.

I read one entry and was almost falling off my goddamn chair. These chicks are hilarious. It takes talent to take a realistic, trashy topic and spell it out with comedic ease.

Sex and Dubai, you have my admiration.

Ready or Not…

2006-10-22T22:42:00.000+04:00

So the photos are too big and screw up the page & font. Live with it. Soon they’ll be in the archives and you won’t have to see them. I’ve updated the blogrolls, added a few blogs, removed a few that are inactive. If I’ve deleted yours let me know. I’m lazy, so they’re in no order just now. If you don’t like it… well, it sucks to be you, doesn’t it?

Guess who’s back? Back again. Tainted’s back. Tell some Friends!

~*I love Eminem.

I read something today that made me snap. The depressed, sorry excuse for a woman that took over my blog for a while has been shot. She’s slumped over, bleeding in the corner of room just now and I doubt she’ll be getting up any time soon.

Know what that means?

I’m about ready to talk my trash again. So… New readers who haven’t looked at my original posts be warned… My blog will get ugly. If you’re sensitive to language, graphic images & metaphors, I highly suggest you find another place to waste your time. There. I’ve done it. You’ve been warned. I don’t want any shit about I’ve changed so horribly in the future.

Thoughts I always have and always will believe in (just to remind you)…

Most people are simply stupid. Yes, I mean you.

UAE expats suck in general, because either they’re bitching about something they can’t change; something they don’t have any better at home, or they’re talking shit about someone else.

I can’t stand anonymous commentators, especially when they’ve got something shitty to say. It’s simple really, if you want to talk shit to me… put your spine in it. Chances are, there’s nothing new you can say anyway.

And … No… I don’t owe her an apology.

And compliments of Irene (you all remember Irene, dontcha?), Click here for a giggle.

Feline, get the fuck off my throne and hand me my crown back.

And... uhhh... No. I'm not happy with this skin.. SO it's changing like every five minutes. You'll have to be patient until I decide what I want.

Happy Eid All

2006-10-22T09:22:00.000+04:00

And… I think it’s Diwali too. So, happy holiday season all.

Green so Serene!

2006-10-21T08:32:00.000+04:00

I’m feeling a bit better today… So I finally got off my ass and downloaded a few more of those Canada photos.

This boys & girls, is where my parents house is going to be built:

(Nice back yard, you think? Wait till you see my grandparents!!!) Anyway, you can see the start of the massive hole that’s been dug on their land – what you can’t see is it’s about 20 feet deep and a real scary looking fall.. It’s been like that for months. The building industry in Canada is booming and no one shows up to complete the jobs they start even after you’ve paid them hundreds of thousands of dollars. They were quick to tear down my parent’s old house, but taking their sweet assed time with building the new one. In the meantime, my parents live in a trailer. (It’s not fun to shower in less than 20 minutes – especially with hair as long as mine.)

One of the first things I did when I got there was go for a walk though town and to the sea. I’ve got to say, it was great to be greeted by complete strangers asking me how I was and wishing me a good day – something that never happens here in Dubai.

While walking I made a couple of friends. The Frenchie (from Quebec) who was crab fishing:

The Seagull, sunbathing:

And the Blue Herring that flew away before I could get a close up shot of him:

Come to think of it… I made some animal friends back at home too. There’s the multiple birds that come to eat off my mother’s feeder every morning:

There’s Sparrow’s and Robins & Blue Jays, and even Peacocks that make their way into the yard occasionally, but I couldn’t get a photo of them as they’re skittish. And of course, there’s Diablo, my mother’s female cat who was thought to be male when little, who likes to hunt all the birdies:

I’m almost done with the photos now. But I promised at the top some photos of my grandparents back yard. Here they are (I was standing on the Sundeck when I took these):

Now, you see the patch of land across the water? That also belongs to my grandparents, but Canadian laws say they can’t section it off and build another house there – perhaps to rent out or whatever. Ridiculous isn’t it? Here’s a second look:

Yeah, you can put money on the fact that the nature is the one thing I miss most about back home. Hell, if you were from there, you would say the same.

Mama always told me…

2006-10-18T20:23:00.000+04:00

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Most of the time, I ignore these words of wisdom. But it seems that it’s taking a few of you a while to catch on and understand that these days I’m really, really trying.

Bottom line: I am NOT feeling well. No, not as in sick, or ill. I’m mentally retarded just now and I honestly have little nice to say about much. So I’m keeping my mouth shut as best I can. Maybe it’s respect for this month. Maybe it’s respect for myself. Maybe I’m just too fucking tired to bother with you all. I have no idea. But I do know I can’t be bothered.

Some of you just don’t seem to get it. I have no interest in your blogging debates. I have no interest in your whispered words; especially when you’re attempting to use my blog to spread malicious rumors. I have no interest in who’s fucking who or who’s done what. I don’t give a shit what you have to say if it’s along these lines.

I hardly even log in here anymore. I rarely have anything to say. Though there have been a few serious things on my mind when it comes to this place. An idea of what? Perhaps I owe MD an apology? Perhaps a few people around here owe me one? Perhaps, some things will never change and that shouldn’t bother me so much? Perhaps, I should just stay silent a little longer, until I pull myself together a little better?

I screamed at a few people today. I screamed my little heart out; not about them or something they did but about other stuff, that’s completely irrelevant to them. I ignored a really, really, really good friends email because my eyes grew tired while reading it; despite the fact that I really wanted to know what was happening on her end. I ignored a short email the other day because when I hit the reply button, my mind went blank and not a word was to be found.

And you still can’t let up.

I don’t expect you to get it; none of you. But I’m not myself and I don’t want to deal with this shit any longer. B asked me today if I was ever going to get back to the old me. I don’t know. I don’t even know who the fuck I am right now. Maybe this is just a part of the ‘always changing and always staying the same’ motto that I seem to live by. Who cares? Not me. All I care about right now is getting over whatever the hell it is I’m thinking and feeling. Maybe then, I’ll give a shit about you.

Thank YOU BALUSHI. For posting something that temporarily took my mind off things. And People!!! YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO VOTE UNTIL MOST NOMINEES HAVE MADE A STATEMENT!

And….

2006-10-18T18:58:00.000+04:00

Your Votes!

Mister Blog 2006 Competetion!!!

2006-10-18T18:34:00.000+04:00

Ok Ladies and GentelMan,

The Time has come for the Event of the Year, Mister Blog 2006 Award.

In this Competetion, Men and Boyl Bloggers will Tell about themselves, Their Beautifulness. Each Competator MUST DESCRIBE their Outlook and EXPLAIN why should she be Voted as the Mister Blog 2006 Award.

Even to increases their Chances of winning they can even Include The Shape of their Body!

Ofcourse 1 vote for a Boy makes 2 vote for a Men.

Eg: If Falapeno gets 1 vote, it will automatically be counted as 2 against AD Events.

Here are the Nominations:

-AD Events
-Falapeno
-Balushi
-Psamtani
- bklyn_in_dubai
-A Word of Symphony
-Keefieboy
-Prometheus
-Taunted
-Buj
-Ahmed
-A Yahya, Ali & Jassim
-Moryarti

* If anyother men or Boy wants to get Nominated Please let me Know.

The Competetion is begining from Today; So go on Gentlemen and boys! Mention Us your Beauty and Tell Us How beautifull You Are To Get Our Votes.

hufflegruff

2006-10-18T13:35:00.000+04:00

get fucked

Miss Blog 2006 Competetion!!!

2006-10-18T10:25:00.000+04:00

Ok Ladies and GentelMan,

The Time has come for the Event of the Year, Miss Blog 2006 Award.

In this Competetion, Women and Girl Bloggers will Tell about themselves, Their Beautifulness. Each Competator MUST DESCRIBE their Outlook and EXPLAIN why should she be Voted as the Miss Blog 2006 Award.

Even to increases their Chances of winning they can even Include The Shape of their Body!

Ofcourse 1 vote for a Girl makes 2 vote for a Women.

Eg: If NZM gets 1 vote, it will automatically be counted as 2 against Fatima.

Here are the Nominations:

-Tainted Female
-BabyKaos
-Harsha
-MD Funky ass randomness
-Sex and Dubai
-Trailing Spouse
-Secret Dubai
-NZM M AND J Adventures
-Kaya
-CG
-Jane with a Y
-Dubaien Chick
-Fatima - Ausravings
-Falapeno :D

* If anyother women or Girl wants to get Nominated Please let me Know.

The Competetion is begining from Today; So go on Ladies and girls! Mention Us your Beauty and Tell Us How beautifull You Are To Get Our Votes.

I never gave you that number…

2006-10-17T05:41:00.000+04:00

It's not listed under my name.

Everyone I gave that number to was told NEVER to give it out.

And you and I know only one common person that has it.

Balushi!!! Job Opening Soon!

2006-10-16T10:54:00.000+04:00

If he’s impeached, why don’t you run for President?

Al Jazeera

Employment Ads in the UAE

2006-10-14T15:22:00.000+04:00

It’s about time I get off my ass and start looking for new work. I’ve worked in the UAE for more than 7 years now, in different positions and different ‘classes’ of companies. I enjoy working, and no matter what I’m doing, I’m pretty damn good at it and have multiple references that will state just the same. But when it comes to the UAE… there’s an issue. I’m sick of it; absolutely fed up of working for one shit company after another. I swear, every time I look at the opportunities in this market, I want to vomit. Here are a few examples of why (from gulfnews.com):

Does anyone else see sheer racism in these ads? Am I insane to think that this type of ads wouldn’t be permitted in any other country, let alone the ability to openly admit you’re only interested in hiring certain nationalities? Can any one else see that these permitted standards of professionalism only help increase the racial divide that is already disgustingly disturbing in the UAE?

Even with a salary of 10,000 Dhs a month, it’s almost impossible to live comfortably in Dubai (or even Sharjah or Ajman). Increasing rents, car payments, and even the cost of groceries are at an all-time high in the UAE. I’m not talking about luxurious living, either. My last position, I was taking around 10K, and I’ll tell you, by the end of the month I was broke – every month. And I didn’t have time to waste money. I was busy driving to my office in Abu Dhabi from my house in Ajman (because I couldn’t afford to stay closer). And do any of you readers know just how demanding the position “Executive Secretary” actually is? Do the people offering these positions have any idea? Do they realize that a secretary is essentially the backbone of any company? I may sound a little hypocritical here, because in my last position I was responsible for hiring a secretary and we didn’t offer a much better salary, but this wasn’t my choice nor did I have the power to change it.

The classifies and even appointments in the UAE are riddled with ads like this. If by chance, they don’t fall into these categories, they are based pretty obviously on sex-appeal over qualifications:

Or they’re full of suspicious contact details; mobile phone numbers instead of office ones, or free email addresses instead of company ones. Spam email is not an excuse to lower your company image this way.

Before I close, here’s one ad that tops the cake!!!

It’s not only sexist, but offering the shittiest possible salary, and check out those contact details! I know office-boys that get paid more than that, for making tea and coffee!

Personally, I wouldn’t even apply to these positions. Their ads alone are horrible display of discrimination (let me not even start on the sexism), and sheer unprofessional policies. I can’t imagine working for another shit company in the UAE and the truth is, 95% of the ads I read here, give me the first impression that this is exactly what they are. If you would apply to these positions, I've got to say... Either your standards/qualifications are far too low, or you must be pretty desperate for work.

(Perhaps that's the reason why there's such horrorific work ethics throughout the UAE, in general?)

Now that I’m feeling a little better…

2006-10-14T11:09:00.000+04:00

Today is a brighter day. My head’s not as stuffed and my nose is almost swell-free. My ears aren’t killing me and I think I’m getting there. Unfortunately, I believe I’ve given my germs to the boy as he started sniffling last night.

Anyway, now that I’m feeling a little better, I thought I’d share a few pictures I took with my mobile while I was there. I haven’t bothered to upload the ones from my camera, cause to be honest, I didn’t have the right charger (or adapter for the charger) and there aren’t many on there.

But here’s one of the things I love most about Canada.

…the absolutely beautiful outdoors.

I took these while on the ferry from Vancouver to Vancouver Island. I swear, there is no place on the planet that’s as beautiful as British Columbia, Canada. At least not a place as beautiful that I’ve seen, nor that my parents have seen, who are pretty much world travelers by now.

It’s funny how you don’t realize how much you’re missing until it’s really gone. Since my trip, there’s a lot I want to share and a lot I’ve been thinking about but I simply don’t have the energy or will to bother just yet. What’s the point, when you know few are listening and fewer care?

Balushi's Guide to Finding a Girl!

2006-10-13T17:38:00.000+04:00

Balushi's Guide

For all men!

What will You Do???

2006-10-13T11:57:00.000+04:00

Ok Folks!!!

This is just a question to all you Ladies. What will you do If a good-looking guy comes upto you in a supermarket, coffee shop, Lime Tree, More cafes, an home party, or a nightclub and says:

Do You Like to have sex with Me?

What will you Ladies say?

Stupid or Something?

2006-10-13T02:41:00.000+04:00

Now… I will share some more secrets. But first… What’s wrong with this person’s reply? Can you spot it?

Read the first sentence in its entirety (automatically generated replica of my comment in an auction at Souq.com). Now read the response. Am I the twit who can’t read, or is this some dumb twat who thinks they’re pulling the wool over my eyes?

Funny how all of this persons’ fake designer bags, with prices starting at 300Dhs have vanished from the site.

Ok… Now on to the secrets:

Secret #1: I’m somewhat a compulsive shopper and my shopping sprees have spread to wholesale. Way back I had a naval piercing, and realized it was almost impossible to find body piercing jewelry here in the UAE. When I did find it, it was priced outrageously. Anyone looking for body jewerly can tell you this. Actually, when I had the stud in my labret, people would actually walk up to me and ask where I got the jewerly. Recently, I purchased a whole lot of beautiful sterling silver & stainless steel naval rings and I’m reselling them individually, at fantastic prices at Souq.com.

~*~

Here are some examples of what I’ve got and how much I’m starting my bids at:

Starting Bid: AED 55

~*~

Starting Bid: AED 45

~*~

Starting Bid: AED 40

~*~

Starting Bid: AED 45

~*~

Secret #2: Most of my readers here already know I paint (some of which are also being auctioned at Souq.com). But do you know what other creative stuff I can and do, do? Take a look:

Starting Bid: MORE expensive. Because it was made by the one and only I and I’ve got family already selling it for more back home!

~*~

Starting Bid: Same as above! (To be honest with you… I just want to see how these will sell here, because I’m almost positive they will not. They’re not UAE style, are they? There’s no Givenchi or Tiffany tag on ‘em!)

~*~

3rd Secret: You already know by now. I’m attempting to auction tons of stuff at Souq.com, new & used. And I bought a Disney DVD from there too! I love the place and think more people should be taking part. I bet lots of you closet compulsive shoppers – and sellers would love it too!

Yes… I am advertising my auctions with this entry. Why not?

**Note, I will not entertain your requests to purchase these items here. If you’re interested, click on the links showing the bid amounts to view the auctions.

For a list of everything I’m selling and for how much, please take a look here.

Pssst… Shut Up Already

2006-10-11T15:11:00.000+04:00

Did you hear?

He’s having an affair with what’s-her-name?!

She’s a prostitute.

He was caught with his secretary in an undignified position!

She’s planning on skipping country with his kids!

He bought her gold with money he took from his mother.

She had an abortion.

Don’t you know?

He beat the shit out of her a while back!

She’s popping pills like there’s no tomorrow.

He’s got a serious drinking problem!

She had sex with him before they were married.

He’s got an offshore account he keeps secret from her!

She only married him because she fell pregnant.

He only married her because her daddy’s rich!

She only married him for the passport.

Know what the 1st problem with all these stories is? You’ve no way to verify whether your source, or your source’s source is reliable, telling the truth or has all the facts.

The second problem, you ask? None of these things are any of your business regardless of who it’s about, unless it’s the accused s/he telling you themselves. And if that’s the case, you’d be a right prick to share the intimate details someone who trusted and confided in you with others.

The third problem? Whether you like it or not, true or false, someone’s probably saying one or more of these things about you. It doesn’t have to get back to you for that fact to be true either. Hell, I’ve been the core ‘she’ in a few of these accusations myself. I’ve been accused of being a drug-addict, a pill popper, a prostitute, having an abortion, and marrying because I was pregnant, not to mention for the sake of having UAE nationality. I’ve been accused of being an alcoholic, anorexic, a thief, and much, much more. Only a few of these accusations are (or ever were) true.

As per the current girlie (and even boyish) mutterings concerning myself and other things should, or should they not be true, the bottom line is, you’ve got nothing to base your beliefs on – but feel free to believe each and every thing you hear through the grapevine. I guarantee you, whatever poison is being spat in my direction with hopes it never reaches my ears… I’ve had much worse said about me before and chances are, so have you.

And I... I have better things to do than worry about you and what you think.

Super Trivia!

2006-10-11T02:29:00.000+04:00

What’s this?

It’s a chicken!

I almost burnt my house down this evening. The way I see it, I’ve got a number of things I could blame it on. Here’s my list:

1) Sleep deprivation. Those are long assed flights and I’m not sure I made it half asleep through the most of them. At least this time I had less than an hour wait at Heathrow. And I have to say, I agree with an entry I read some months back by some other blogger, Heathrow airport is the worst on the planet. I can understand the increased security but what I can’t understand is the sheer rudeness of the employees there. We’re NOT all terrorists waiting to blow you up! Some of us just want to go home! Nor can I stand some security bitch talking with another security bitch about which confiscated items she’s taking home, in front of other passengers they’re taking more crap from.

2) Viral Infection. My three year old twin, niece and nephew were suffering something awful when I reached my sisters house. It was a great joke that I’d probably be taking this cold home with me while I was there but what are the chances really that I’d get off the plane pretty much fine, and go to sleep only to wake up with all the symptoms? It’s nothing compared to what I was suffering prior to my trip and I’ll get over it real soon I’m sure. But at the moment, it feels like every orifice in my head is leaking or wants to explode. (I had chronic ear infections a few years back and for the first time since, I have another one and I literally think the right side of my head will explode if I don’t chew on Brufen every couple of hours.)

3) Brain disconbobulation. I’m not even sure that I actually got home yet. But back to the burning down the house, I would have thought number 1 was the lowest temperature setting on the damn thing… Turns out on my mama’s stove, number 1 is in fact the highest and number 5 is the lowest. I suppose that’ll teach me to put something in the oven, thinking I know what I’m doing and it’ll be fine while I take a twenty-minute (that turns into forty-minute) nap.

I woke up and the amount of smoke in the house had me certain that I’d burned at least the kitchen part down. I suppose I should be thanking God it was only the chicken, but instead I cried because I’d ruined dinner. I had the boy coming to break his fast with me.

With forty minutes until iftar (that’s the time that Muslims break their fast during this month, for those who don’t know), and a guest on their way, I still managed to defrost more meat, marinate it, and cook something up that was edible and actually enjoyable. Granted, we had to eat in a house half-filled with smoke because it just wouldn’t escape through every open door and window – like it enjoyed taunting and teasing me.

Nonetheless, sick, jetlagged, and over-discombobulated I still saved the day. Know what that says to me? It says I’m Superwoman! Would you like to argue that?

***So you all know, Balushi has accepted my invitation and I’ve told him he’s welcome to post here anytime. Hopefully, he’ll keep you all entertained while I’m not. Just do me a small favor and note who’s writing what in here from now on. I love Balushi, but God forbid you all think I’m posting his words or vice-versa!

Since Balushi’s been blocked…

2006-10-10T14:01:00.000+04:00

I’ve invited him to join me in my blog. Do you think he’ll accept my invitation?

And yes... I AM considering this my 'worth reading' post, I mentioned earlier.

Tainted Lady = RetardEd Bitch

2006-10-09T15:04:00.000+04:00

I’m home, healthy & exhausted… But the comments in the post before last made me smile. Some things will never change. Many of which, I wouldn’t want to.

I’ll attempt to post something worth reading once I’ve had some sleep.

Oh and...

2006-10-03T19:45:00.000+04:00

Today is my sons 4th Birthday. Wish him well please.

The First Step Home…

2006-10-03T19:34:00.000+04:00

I’m about to take the first step in my travels towards home – the UAE (because that is my home now). But there’s something I’ve been pondering…

What is it about skin that makes it so attractive, so wanted, so enticing… until you’ve had it? And why is it, that once you’ve had it, the allure dies? I don’t believe there’s another matter out there that’s even similar in reaction.

Rich chocolate is wanted bite after bite, any coffee addict or smoker will tell you that it’s a specific flavor, a certain brand they want. Why is it that social intercourse, mental intercourse and emotional intercourse all follow the same patterns, but when it comes to physical intercourse, it’s a fleeting desire?

Balushi, I’m SURE you can help me understand this one.

Male Blockbuster Employee – Female UAE National Roommate?

2006-09-28T22:47:00.000+04:00

I went to Blockbuster Video the other night. I happily purchased a couple of uncut DVD’s to add to my collection, with hopes that customs doesn’t take them on my way back home. Considering the fact that I was in a department store earlier and was talked into buying a collection of ‘Forever Sharp Kitchen Knives’ by some very adamant, convincing sales man, I’m pretty sure my bag is going to be one of the ones requested opened on my way back.

Anyway, I asked the guy behind the counter when some particular movie would be out, and he suggested I come back in February. When I explained I wouldn’t be here, and told him I lived in Dubai he exclaimed, “I’ve got a roommate and she’s from Dubai!”

Humm… I thought. A female, UAE national with a male roommate in Canada?

“It’s a she,” I continued, “There’s no way she’s a UAE national! A UAE national woman would never move in with a man who isn’t family.”

“Well that’s exactly why her family left! The rules are so strict over there!”

“Umm, no.” I was almost certain he meant someone who immigrated to the UAE had now moved to Canada after this talk, “I mean there’s no way she’s from the UAE because the Emirati culture simply doesn’t work like that.”

“Well,” her whole family moved here when she was just 17 years old.

“What’s her name?” I figured this would give a little more information.

“Janice,” he looked at me a little puzzled.

“Nope.” I confirmed, “There’s no way she’s from the UAE. That’s not a Muslim or even Arab name. She could have immigrated to the UAE, or her family might have. But she’s not from there”

By now, the guy is getting almost annoyed aggressive in his instance, “All I know is she was born and raised there. To me that means she’s from Dubai.”

“Fair enough,” I replied, “But UAE nationality isn’t given away as Canadian is here. Chances are, she originates from somewhere else.”

“Well,” He eased up a little, “All her friends are Pakistani. Maybe she originates from Pakistan?”

“Very possible.” I picked up my bag and continued, “All I know for sure is that you’ll almost never find a UAE national immigrating for life to the west. They’re treated too good, by their own government back home.

I smiled and left. But the conversation had me thinking a couple of things. In the UAE, race really is a huge issue. And it rubs off on you. Why was it so important to me, for him to understand that this girl wasn’t a UAE national? A girl like that, should be considered from the UAE, simply because she’s known nothing else.

I’d love to know what you all think of this conversation and what exactly it means. Feel free to call me a racist bitch if that’s how you read into this and of course, if it’ll make you feel better.

Ramadan’s Here?

2006-09-23T20:16:00.000+04:00

For me, it sure doesn’t feel like Ramadan. It’s life as usual on this side of the world. I wonder how long until Dubai will feel just like here during this holy month. Last year, there was no noted law about non-Mulsim’s eating or smoking in public (in Dubai). People were getting off pretty easy compared to the past where there were publicized laws, punishments inclusive of hefty fines for people disrespecting those fasting by eating, drinking or smoking in public. For my western readers, it’s not about forcing the international public to fast, but about forcing them to respect people who are fasting and not entice them to eat or drink or fall prey to greater addictions (like smoking, which is a tough one).

I wonder how many half-naked women were prancing through Dubai supermarkets unintentionally disturbing fasting men today?

For health reasons, I’m not able to fast just yet. Hopefully, by the time I return these problems will be fully sorted and I can at least attempt to give it a go. It’s always harder to start fasting in the middle of Ramadan, and even more difficult to make up days lost after. In fact, most years I’ve failed to do this all together. I can cross my fingers and hope this year is better.

In the meantime, I should probably tone down a lot of what I say here, out of respect for this month and those who are fasting and possibly reading. I can’t make any promises, but I’ll sure try.

For all of you fasting this year, may you be blessed through the many virtues of Ramadan. And all of you who should be fasting but aren’t, may you find the strength to do so.

Happy Ramadan Everyone!

YaY!

2006-09-22T20:48:00.000+04:00

Today is my last day of these dreadful meds! And my next check up is only three days away!

YaY!

Little Advice…

2006-09-21T00:11:00.000+04:00

…from an over-dramatic-retard to an over-dramatic-retard.

When you decide you can’t stand someone…

When you think they’re the most despicable person on the planet with nothing good to offer you or anyone else…

When you’re more than willing to make those thoughts and feelings public in an attempt to destroy whatever delusional power you think they’ve got...

Stay the fuck away from them, once all is said and done. The only good you might catch otherwise is a bit of them rubbing off on you. And God forbid you ever taint yourself with my thoughts and become just a little like me.

Was it the Xanax? Or the Effexor? Or am I just old?

2006-09-20T07:33:00.000+04:00

Happened again…

“You don’t remember me?” The waiter practically shouted at me, “I lived on your street, just a few doors away from you! The last time I saw you, you were in your house watching that movie where those guys were peeping through holes in the girls locker room?”

I didn’t have a clue who he was, or what he was talking about.

“It’s Sean,” my brother attempted to fill me in, “He used to play hockey with me all the time in front of the house!”

“Mom,” after he left I asked, “Is he the kid you paid to spy on me in class?” He wasn’t much of a spy really. I can’t remember his name but I do remember he had a huge crush on me, and told me every thing my mother attempted to out of him. He’d take her money and lie for me. He won it both ways and it worked just fine for me. If only I could remember his face…

We ate our dinner without mentioning it again. But as I walked out the door he caught me by the arm, “You used to yell at me all the time.” He had a bashful smile on his face, “I was just a bratty little kid then, you know?”

This happens every time I come home, and more than once too. I haven’t a fucking clue who these people are. Many of them, remember me like it was yesterday, or so it would seem. I’m really not joking when I say my memory is shot. What you should be asking yourself is, how long until I forget you too?

Needle in the Haystack…

2006-09-19T20:04:00.000+04:00

…Or in a government provided box, in a public bathroom?

One of the more disturbing things I’ve seen since I came back here was on the ferry ride over from Vancouver to Victoria. Don’t get me wrong; British Columbia is probably the most beautiful place on the planet and despite my depressive gripping, I do love home.

I love being able to talk to strangers or having them talk to me, without them wondering why the hell I’m bothering, as if they care. I like being able to interact with people and not have them judge me based on how I look or where I’m from (despite the playful jabs every now and then about my accent). I love a lot about being here and my mom may soon have her wish. I’ve been talking to the boy and we’re considering moving here for a couple of years in a year or so. Even though, that doesn’t change all the horrible things I’ve already witnessed since I’ve been back. I would never want to raise a child here and I’ll stick to that. Now back to that needle…

In British Columbia smoking is illegal almost everywhere. You cannot smoke in a shopping center, you cannot smoke in a restaurant, you cannot smoke in a pub or bar even. I heard a while back they were trying to push for it to be illegal for drivers to smoke while in their own cars. In stark contrast, I went to the public bathroom on the ferry and found a nice little deposit box, for needles. I’ve since been informed this is so that junkies have a place to dispose of their needles without endangering the public. Isn’t that similar to Dubai’s radars, as in it doesn’t prevent the crime from taking place but accommodates it? If you’re not caught, you’re not breaking the law? We’ll even make it easy for you to dispose of your paraphernalia; spot the radars.

I understand the heroin is a highly addictive substance and I also understand the dangers of used needles being trashed in unacceptable places, but in some of the more recent studies I’ve read that smoking is just as addictive if not more and second hand smoke scare means I as the smoker am punished (no longer is my addiction accommodated with smoking rooms or sections). I tend to believe the fact that these boxes have appeared sometime in the eight years I spent away would mean the problem is increasing in this society. Wouldn’t the tax money and effort being spent on helping these junkies dispose of or exchange (I’ve been told there’s actually some program where junkies can go and exchange old used needles for new ones without being persecuted) be better spent on prevention techniques or persecution of dealers?

I wish I’d thought to take a photo of this junkie needle box. But after 24 hours flying I was tired and didn’t even consider it. Maybe, on my way back I’ll catch one.

((And yes, HL&H... I am feeling better! But then, it's nine am and I've just taken my pill. I remembered to eat too. It hasn't had the chance to kick in and kick my ass yet. Besides, today is my brother's birthday and I've already talked to the two people that mean most to me in the world, this morning. My baby's gone to school and had a blast on his first day. And the boy is equally wonderful!))

The Pope is a Prick

2006-09-18T22:02:00.000+04:00

There’s a lot I’d love to share but I’ve not got the energy or will most of the time to bother. I’m still recovering and taking some serious meds for an infection I got from postponing my surgery for so long. Most of the time, I’m suffering flu-like symptoms and there’s little I can do about it but force-feed myself – because food seems to lull the side effects. Luckily, I have only a few days left of these meds and my next doctor’s appointment is on the 27^th. I’m the epitome of ‘depressed’ just now and it’s due to combination of things. I am trying my hardest to avoid family and even friends. And it’s mostly because I don’t want to bring them down with me. Lucky, I’ve still got some great old friends who won’t allow me to hibernate away, who keep dragging me out of the house. (If you ever see this, I love you Rod and I’m happier than you’ll ever know that you’re doing as good as you are these days.)

Anyway, I’m still in Canada. It was mentioned in the comments below that I seem to have forgotten I’m Canadian (cute link Psamtani). I’d rather say I feel that I’ve grown out of Canada. All I want is to go home, and home is in Dubai for me now. As I’ve mentioned in a few emails it’s cold here and rainy now too. I only have open toed shoes. People are different and stingy. Someone asked me what I meant by that, and it’s simply that they care a lot more about money than we seem to back home. And I refuse to believe it’s because they have less of it than the average person back home, because I know people who have a hell of a lot more money than I do, but they still hate to spend on themselves or on others. I was downtown the other night and a chick walked up to me and asked if she could buy a cigarette. When I told her she needn’t give me money in exchange she almost had a heart attack; like it was the most generous thing on the planet. I find that a lot here; they way people react to something so common back home.

Most people here haven’t got a clue about the Middle East. I can listen to Bush’s propaganda all day long on the news, but like the rest of the population here I can’t be bothered to actually turn into whatever the hell he’s saying. The few times I did catch a line or two, he was fully capable of turning the minor flu-like symptoms that I already had, into full-out gagging and heaving. The man talks more shit than even I’d have guessed. The Pope is an ignorant, arrogant asshole.

Just a day after I arrived here, some kid shot up his school in Montreal, killing one, leaving two in critical condition and wounding more than a dozen others. He was shot dead by police. It’s just one more reason why I’d never want to raise my son here. These horror stories are happening more and more often in the west and I’m glad we haven’t reached this stage yet in the Emirates.

There’s a lot more to say, but really, this entry is just for Lizza who asked me to get back to blogging and home. I’m trying to rearrange my ticket for a sooner flight, hopefully soon after my next appointment, but I doubt that’ll be possible. My mother’s trying to convince me to stay; keeps showing me vacancies for work that she thinks is right up my alley. And my sister (who I’ve not yet seen) is right beside her with the home-marketing-strategy – yes it does feel like full-on campaign they’re applying.

I miss my son. I miss the boy. I’m cold. I’m pretty fucking tired. And people keep saying I talk funny.

All I want...

2006-09-17T04:19:00.000+04:00

...is to go home.

In Canada

2006-09-12T15:08:00.000+04:00

And Safe.

Plan C & D… Bub-Bye (I think)

2006-09-09T23:50:00.000+04:00

In light of a formerly unknown, additional medical problem which requires more immediate attention than the formerly known one, my mother’s paranoia over the whole situation, ever increasing expected expenses of the medical solution, and my general lack of faith UAE medical care (excluding the truly fantastic doctor* I saw this evening and whom I should be under the care of tomorrow morning), Plan B has now been changed to Plan C.

Tomorrow morning I’ll have surgery. As soon as a ticket can be booked I’m off to Canada for a second surgery and follow-up care.

And I think this is the end of the ‘Tainted’ story as you all know it. The fact that I’m unable to disclose all my realities on this particular blog is eating me alive. I currently have no will to care about this place anymore.

Love & luck to you all (even my haters who I’ve just granted smiles from ear to ear, I’m sure). I don’t think I’d have stuck around as long as I did if it weren’t for the interaction of you all.

* Thank You for bearing with me today; defiantly one of my worst days ever. Thank You for introducing me to the only competent doctor I’ve met in my eleven years in the UAE. And Thank You for your continued support. May you be blessed always.

And just as I was finished typing this up, Plan C becomes Plan D. Mommy’s paranoia has me booked to leave UAE for Canada tomorrow. A mother's power is an incredible thing, really. No surgery in the UAE. All of it in Canada, Inshallah.

You all take care.

And You Wonder Why I Hate People.

2006-09-07T19:37:00.001+04:00

I have...

A non-refundable ticket.

Purchased baby clothing for her daughter.

A medical problem that needs immediate attention.

Arranged a visa for her and her daughter to enter the Emirates again, when I get back from Serbia.

Been worried sick about her for the past week.

Made multiple international calls to her family find out if something is wrong.

Finally reached her cousin in Belgrade and found out what’s going on.

A few days ago, she sent her cousin an email explaining that she wasn’t going to Belgrade because she couldn’t manage to get her heroin addicted, diseased, shit-for-brain-loser of a husband (who most probably has a second wife, remember) a visa and she didn’t want to go without him. I didn’t even realize he was invited. No, no. I understood she was getting a divorce.

I have...

Just told another friend to fuck off, eternally. She deserves whatever the fuck she gets, because she gives it to herself.

But I also have …

Another really great friend who’s helping me with plan B.

I will be fine. I’m just incredibly disappointed, and having been given another perfect example of why people suck, a quick inclination to lose even more faith in human kind, and a keen sense to resent the world and all that exists right now.

Incase you missed that, it means don't step on my fucking toes right now. I'm in NO fucking mood for it.

The Sky is Green

2006-09-07T11:28:00.000+04:00

Who is to say that the way the pale-blue sky looks in my eye, identically resembles that which you see through yours?

I'm supposed to leave tomorrow morning. I'm not sure if that's happening. She's missing and has been for the last week or so. Please cross your fingers and pray she's alright.

Redundant Moi

2006-09-06T10:51:00.000+04:00

I'm ever changing and always staying the same.

And no one believes it.

Why Dubai… ?

2006-09-06T02:37:00.000+04:00

I’ve been busy. But while out and about today I found myself pondering a few things:

Why doesn’t KFC serve gravy in any of its Dubai outlet’s as it does in Canada?

Why does the majority of the driving population here drive 20km/s below the posted speed limit on the *new* beach road, where anywhere else in the city you’ll find most drivers going 20km/s over the posted speed limits?

Why doesn’t New York Fries have gravy here, either?

Why is it, that even as the population grows extensively here and demand is rising among that population, you still can not find a proper arts & craft store that’s got all the resources of one that could actually be considered ‘good’.

Why is Dubai’s KFC so oily compared to the YUMMY KFC back home?

Why aren’t more people playing on souq.com? I recently discovered it and think it’s rather interesting. I can see myself getting addicted to buying and selling junk online.

Why do most Chinese Restaurants here neglect to put Water Chestnuts in their stir-fry when you can purchase the same at most supermarkets?

Why can’t you find organic vegetables in most supermarkets here, and if you can, why are they SO expensive?

A lot of my thoughts are centering food it seems. I’m not hungry. Maybe I’m craving something and just don’t know what it is?

Ho Hummm… I’m bored of this topic now.

2006-09-04T13:34:00.000+04:00

UAE Community:

It seems… none of the comments I’ve made on the UAE community blog (I’ve tried twice since they started their moderation) are getting approved, though other comments are being approved, which means mine weren’t just missed. I don’t believe I’ve attempted to say anything that could possibly result in the blog being blocked in those comments and in fact, in the first comment, I believe I agreed with the author of the post about the Human Rights Dept. in Dubai Police.

Rather than repeat myself about what I think of the administration of that blog and the general summery of the types of posts that frequent that place, I thought I’d just link my takes from the past outlining the same:

Why Bloggers Don’t Rule the World

Question for my Blog Readers

Stop Barking little Bitch & Bite!

THE UAE COMMUNITY BLOG: A better example of the public than the Real Thing! Move over Ruling Family SD’s Coming!

Right. I’ve asked not to be a member of that blog. And I’ve requested to be removed from their blogroll. Does this mean I have no right to comment on anything that’s posted there by any of the many authors who do contribute? Or is my belief that I’m being singled out by one (or some) (because as has been mentioned in the past I have no idea how many people actually consist of their administration and I have no idea who is in control of comment moderation) of the administration, as a personal bias seem paranoid and completely irrational in my thinking? Or could I be spot-on?

In that blog, Freedom of Speech only exists if you agree with or are in favor of the admin, as far as I can see. The fact that my comments, regardless of nature have not been posted just goes to confirm my earlier beliefs. I’m not opening a debate for those of you wishing to take this to that. Once again, I’m clarifying why I have so many issues with the community blog and the administration as they've once again proven themselves a poor example of all the things they rave for. And as of now, this entry will replace the link at the top of my page for the UAE community.

Hopefully, sooner than later a real representation of the UAE and it's society will be created with a decent admin, in the Blogging world and will replace the shoddy one that currently dominates UAE bloggers.

Creative Romance…

2006-09-04T11:33:00.000+04:00

I am a romantic at heart and I believe that romance is something that needs to be worked on in every relationship, no matter how long you have been with your loved one. A fire won’t continue to burn if you don’t add matter to it every now and then. I’m huge on this belief.

I spent yesterday evening burning a CD of soppy love songs for my boy & writing a love letter on the cover. I spent the day selecting the perfect greeting cards to tell him I love him. All of which are waiting for him today. We’ve been together on and off for more than two years now, and I still send him hand-written love letters. I still leave short love notes in the fold of his wallet, or pocket of his freshly washed and ironed clothing. When I borrow his car, I often place a fresh picked flower or sweet candies on the seat when I return the keys to him. These sorts of creative expression are common in our relationship. He writes love messages in the steam of the mirror after he showers for me to find later when I bathe myself, or leaves good-morning notes on my pillow while I sleep.

A few days ago, I started to think about other ways I could creatively add a bit of romance, a tad of love to this relationship; ones that I’ve not already tried. I Googled a number of key words looking for creative tips. Most of the sites were blocked, inspiring this entry.

A long while back I went on a rant about divorce and women’s bitching when chances were it was their fault. I followed this entry with a rant about men, and how just as often it’s the man’s fault. No one was left out when it comes to placing blame in general circumstances. Now I’m going to give you all tips on silly little ways you can spice up your relationship. These are some of the things that I’ve done in the past of have had done for me. If you can think up any of your own, please place them here. Because I’m looking for new creative ways to help keep those fires burning.

Unisex Tips (you can do these for your male or female partner)

1) Hand written love letters (and try actually mailing them to your baby’s work or even home address), it’s a lover-ly surprise for anyone on the receiving end.

2) Scrap-book: make a scrap book of all the things that remind you of your lover, include photographs, tips & ‘I-love-about-you’ lists. Give as an unexpected gift or even better, make it together!

3) Mixed tapes or CD’s. This one is pretty self explanatory – and it only sounds clichéd because it’s so common due to the fact that it DOES induce romantic feelings. Leave the tape/cd in your lovers car player for them to hear when they step inside, or simply hand it to them.

4) Hidden notes: Imagine opening your wallet at the ATM or a pay counter to find a note from your lover tucked inside saying something as simple as, “You’re the wo/man of my dreams”, “I’ll never forget last night”, or “Where ever you are at this moment, know I’m thinking of you.” It’d sure brighten my day. These notes work just as wonderfully when left in unobvious places, like the fridge, or on the steamy bathroom mirror!

5) Sweet Poetry Puzzle. It’s not so much about writing a sweet poem as it is about writing the letters on the back of m&m’s and numbers on the other side, instructing your lover to align them all properly before flipping them over to read whatever sweet lines you’ve versed for them.

6) Lovers Coupons:

This is an actual coupon (a bad photograph, I know) I made and gave my boy in a collection of 10 or 15 of the same a year or so ago. This particular one reads, “This coupon entitles (his name) to One Cuddly Bear-Hug with (my name).” It’s complete at the bottom with, “This coupon is valid for one use only and may be used at any place at any time.”

These are easy to make and oh-so-sweet. Believe it or not, his returning this coupon was the start to one of our ‘make-ups’ after an argument. Other things you can award on coupons like this are, 1) massages; 2) bubble baths; 3) kisses; 4) home cooked meals; 5) hand packed picnics on the beach, etc. You can even get naughty with them, if your relationship works that way. *wink*

7) Write a book & have it bound. If you’re reading this, you must have some sort of aptitude for the ‘written word’ even if it’s just blogging. How hard is it to write a child’s story about you and your lover, changing the coffee shop where you met into a shoe market, his/her job into a shoemaker and you the prince/princess without the right pair of shoes? And how hard is it to fabricate an end that's still unknown, where the two of you live happily ever after? Do you have any idea how sweet this gift is? And how deep the actual references to your relationship; the spoon you still keep from the first date for example, as a treasure found in an old shoe box in the story; the sister in law from hell, acting just that in the story, will touch your loved one? Print it out at home on A5 paper, have it bound for pennies in a place like Kinkos!

8) Create a lovers crossword puzzle. The fact that you’re reading this means you must have access to a computer and most probably the program Excel. Format the cells to fit one letter each and create your own crossword puzzles. Examples of topics can include “Things you two enjoyed together,” “Lovers Nick-Names”, “Places you’ve enjoyed”, etc. Other creations like this can be made with the concept of Word Un-Scramble, etc.

9) Dress yourself just for him/her. This is something that I’m sure all of us fall out of doing eventually. Life often gets in the way and we take for granted that we once prepared ourselves extensively for a meeting with our loved ones. It seems even harder when we live together. But take the time, when s/he’s out shopping to dress yourself and prepare for their return, just to see the look in their eyes as they fall on the beautified you. This serves to remind them that despite everything, they’re still as important if not more so than they were at the start of your relationship. And this works both ways. Take care of yourself for your lover if you can’t do it for you.

10) Remember your loved one while you’re not with them. Don’t forget to tell them, through text messages even, that you’re thinking of them even as they’re away. Another way to do this, is to pick up an unexpected love card while you’re out in your travels and give to them without any cause for celebration other than the fact that you’re still together and you’re still in love.

I honestly believe that love doesn’t have to get old no matter who you are or how long you’ve been together. But to keep it alive it takes work on both sides. If you abuse or neglect it enough, you will lose it. These are some of the things I’ve found help keep my love alive, though many would argue he and I were doomed from the start – and at times even we agree with that opinion.

So now it’s your turn. Give me your thoughts or share your tips. I’m waiting!

More Cuties from Irene

2006-09-03T10:35:00.000+04:00

Irene, I hunted down the older ones you sent but as I suspected, they were a little too small to be shown clearly here.... Thank anyway!

~*~

Thank you again for the giggles.

Stupid or Something?

2006-09-03T08:29:00.000+04:00

It’s been a long time since I dragged something out of the news, but this is unbelievable. I can not believe for an atrocity as serious as this one, the idiots decided it alright to contact the press and give case details of an ongoing human-trafficking-investigation.

Ongoing investigation: let’s give the Pimps a way out, by giving them the details via press.

Did you pimps catch this? Get rid of your mobile-sim cards, distort your appearance a little and there’s NO way other than a girls testimony, that you can be caught here. And if you’re still worried, just take a long vacation from the UAE. Come back when there’s less heat on you.

Disgusting! At least wait until the damn investigation is completed before you start telling the story and giving the guilty a chance to get out!! Isn’t that common sense?

This is a HUGE disappointment from the Filipino authorities who were quoted here. If I were a Filipino national, I’d be contacting my embassy this minute to make a fuss out them disclosing details in such a way, with hopes to prevent it in the future. I wonder if our favorite UAE blogging Filipino would consider doing the same thing?

Pussycat Dolls

2006-09-02T16:43:00.000+04:00

**This entry is not about sickly girl-band whose name alone is enough to make me cringe for some reason.

If you are in the UAE, you will all note that if you click on the link for this page as in the archives, it will be blocked by Etisalat’s proxy. Notice the word ‘Pussy’ in ‘Pussycat Dolls’, and you’ll catch the offender here. There is nothing offensive about the pussycat, but Etisalat blocks some specific words across the board.

**Edited to say:

I just tried this url: http://tainted-in-uae.blogspot.com/2006/09/pussycat-dolls.html and it's not blocked, so I'm assuming Etisalat has had an expansion in it's vocabulary, since I saw a letter about this particular band being blocked, in one of the papers last week or so.

For many of you overseas readers I’m sure this will help explain why a lot of the titles in the UAE blog’s replace common cuss or sexually explicit words like ‘Fuck’ with ‘Fcuk’ or ‘Fooock’ in the title of blog posts.

We’re not all pompous nuts who think we’re beyond the proper spelling of such words. We just don’t want our entries to be blocked from archive listings or search engines to those searching from within the UAE.

This is a lesson I was taught during my month or so of blogging, and a number of people I’m sure are yet to learn. Words like ‘sex’ or ‘bitch’ are yet to be blocked and I’m guessing it’s because of the multiple definitions that apply to them. But the word ‘pussycat’ seems beyond the vocabulary of the powers that be here. Figuring out which words are blocked and which ones are not takes a bit of trail and error on our part, as Keefieboy, a UAE blogger since September 2004 learned the hard way on July 14^th 2006.

Anyway, this the prompt of my next post. I got annoyed while trying to look up something silly and girly up and I can’t help but wonder how many other people in the UAE are looking for the same sorts of thing, so soon enough I’ll be posting a tip-list of sorts for romance addicts because I’m one of them.

I Could Not Have said it Better Myself

2006-09-02T09:33:00.000+04:00

Aside from the very serious message the President of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez is making, this is comedic and made me laugh at least once in the beginning. I have no idea if this is an old clip, or a new one but it made my day. I bet it’ll make yours too!

Once again, I got annoyed by the automatic play of this video. Click on the link to view it.

You’re not Blessed. You’re a Twat.

2006-09-02T07:16:00.000+04:00

Are you one of those lucky people that leaves the house whenever you please and never have to face traffic on Dubai roads, excepting say the initial three minutes it takes to move from the far right lane, on whatever busy road you’re at, to the far left lane?

Do you think the rest of the UAE exaggerates their traffic rage and complains too much, because you can cruise at a cool 80km/h and there’s rarely a car in sight, excepting the ‘speedsters’ flying by you on the right, weaving in and out of other cars?

Here’s a little logic dipshit, you’re not blessed; you’re an asshole who is pissing everyone else off by causing miles and miles of traffic behind you. If there’s absolutely NO traffic in your lane in front of you, but every three seconds someone passes you on the right because you’re too much of an ass to move for someone who flashes you, or rides on the ass of your car (because you’ve forced them to), YOU ARE the fucking problem on Dubai roads.

Fact: If you’re driving slowly enough, even the cars going UNDER the speed limit will be out of sight just moments after passing you, thus the free-lane in front of you.

Fact: People behind you will curse you after catching up to you and realizing you and you alone are the one responsible for the last 20 or 30 minutes of traffic they had to face.

You are an inconsiderate ass. And that’s all there is to it.

If you’re the bitch in the dark saloon I watched drive just this way last night around 7pm on Shk Zayed road near Holiday Inn, before I passed you on the right, then watched in my rear-view mirror as multiple cars flashed-you, rode your ass then finally passed you also on the right, I’m talking to YOU specifically just now. You are more inconsiderate than every flasher and every person who has cursed you on the roads put together. Hell, I even throw in the few who probably swerved into you as they were forced to pass you, out of rage from your ignorant behavior and still call you the least considerate of the bunch.

Where’d the Bitch Go?

2006-09-01T11:30:00.001+04:00

I’m almost hesitating to post this, because it seems to me like my bitch (you know, the one that’s always showing her face around here) has been taking a rest for the last few posts and well, this will just keep her there all that longer. But I’m going to do it anyway, especially for Jin, because from her comments I believe she can relate to these sorts of sentimental mommy things just wonderfully.

So, keeping the bitch at bay for just a little while longer, Jin… here are those prints I was telling you about:

On a real canvas, in Acrylic paint, signed, dated and varnished to hang on the wall for years to come; my baby and I were rolling in paint yesterday. It was fun! Now, we’ve got something even he’ll cherish when he’s old enough to see just how much he’s grown.

Egg-Run & House Shoes

2006-08-31T12:32:00.000+04:00

Yesterday, we ran out of eggs. This is a very rare occurrence in my house, because we usually get them fresh daily, form the chickens outside. Recently, I’ve been told the weather is too hot for egg collection, something I find odd since it’s cooling down now, but won’t argue with.

Off my son and I went to the supermarket. For the record, I’m not the type to dress up to the nines and plaster my face with makeup for a trip like that. I don’t push this on my son either, so we both left in flip-flop, house shoes. In the car, my son saw a pair of his ‘outside shoes’ on the floor where I’d forgotten them the night before as I carried his sleeping body from the car to bed.

“Mama!” He screamed at me, “Why am I wearing house shoes?”

“No problem baby,” I couldn’t help but giggle while I said it.

“But Mama! You’re wearing house shoes too!” He responded quickly, and was unimpressed with my cheerful, nonchalant reply, “What will the boys and girls say?”

“Baby!” I glanced over to see the serious look in his eye. The boy wasn’t joking one bit about the serious nature of this problem, “Who cares what the girls and boys think? Don’t worry about them.”

“No. The boys and girls will say you’re not beautiful.”

And that’s how the conversation ended. How do you teach a three year old away from vanity, and where in the world did he learn this in the first place? Does this say more about the nature of the UAE than I’d like to generalize? I don’t remember caring what people thought about how I looked, before I was at least ten or eleven years old. I don’t even think I had inside and outside shoes as a child. In Canada, bare-foot was the way we pranced around when the weather permitted it.

UAE is very much a plastic place where appearance is everything. I’ve believed this for a long time, but what I didn’t realize is that it could affect our children from such a young age.

And you bet right if you put your money on my baby putting on the outside shoes before we entered the supermarket, and not the house ones he had on his feet.

Precious Plastic

2006-08-30T22:24:00.000+04:00

If in your Travels…

..you see a woman, wearing a HUGE blue, plastic flower ring on her pinky-finger, despite all the social-fashion laws in the UAE, be aware that you have been graced by me, and the gift my son gave me today. He insisted it’s for me to wear outside, and not inside the house. I will oblige (until it breaks).

A Brief Look @ Bipolar Disorder

2006-08-30T11:05:00.000+04:00

A few posts back I posted a silly little test in my blog about whether or not you’re Bipolar. Though I’m pleased to see it’s gotten some light-hearted responses, a combination of some of the responses and a few emails I got, made me realize that not everyone knows exactly what Bipolar Disorder is.

First I need to point out that Bipolar people are in no way abnormal in their ability to function properly in society. We can manage ourselves just fine, but in many cases it takes us a little more effort on our own parts. Chances are if you yourself are not suffering from Bipolar, someone you know or love is; whether they know it or not. For this reason alone, it’s good to understand this illness.

The cause of Bipolar Disorder is still widely unknown, though biological evidence proves that people who suffer this disorder, are lacking a neurotransmitter in their brain called Serotonin. Serotonin is responsible for regulation of mood, sleep, sexuality, and appetite. There are cases where Bipolar is believed to be hereditary and there are cases where it’s purely induced by personal social factors. There is no history of Bipolar Disorder in my family.

I was 17 or 18 when I was diagnosed with as Bipolar in the American Hospital in Dubai. I was diagnosed through the least suspected person; a General Doctor I went to see for a fever I had been suffering for two consecutive days. I remember waking up the day prior; literally hearing a voice in my dream that was so loud it actually woke me. Clearly, this male voice commanded me, “Your life is about to change.”

It freaked me out. I was in the midst of the RAK cases I’ve mentioned prior, my parents were traveling, and I had spent the months prior slowly isolating myself from anyone, everyone and everything that wasn’t work related. I was broken hearted, as I’d lost the first love of my life in the months before. I had moved out of my parent’s house and I lived alone. Prior to this isolation, my phone would ring non-stop with invitations, my house was always full and I had a healthy, fun-loving social circle around me. During the months I spent ignoring calls and brushing off friends, I didn’t even realize that I was secluding myself from the world. I’d go to work, then strait home where I’d clean then watch TV or attempt to sleep until the next day. More often that not, I'd find I hadn't slept at all by the time my alarm went off the next day.

The voice stuck so deep in my mind I couldn’t help but believe it. Wondering what could possibly make my life change rapidly, I started to think the only possible outcome would be my parent’s sudden death. I literally started freaking out. I didn’t know what my parent’s flight-number or even airline was, but I started frantically calling all of them, to try and get information on whether or not their flight had crashed. I then called the Canadian Embassy and asked them for help finding them. I was completely paranoid & unstable. The paranoia hardly had a chance to fade when I started smelling fire as if my apartment-building was burning. I searched for a source; I looked out the window and doors and I couldn’t find a thing. I had lost my mind, and I realized it. Finally, I sat and placed my head in my hands and started to cry my eyes out. It was only then, that I realized my head was burning up.

Satisfied with the belief that a fever can cause all sorts of illusions and knowing that being physically ill adds to emotional turmoil (that I was aware I was suffering thanks to the cases and perpetual threat on my life), I was confident enough that nothing had happened to my parents and that nothing was on fire, for me to take a shower and head out to work. I was in my office for about two hours before the fever became unbearable, and I was questioning all my colleagues whether or not they smelled fire too, before I made my way out to the American hospital for a check up. The first doctor I saw was a man, and he was unable to help me. When I refused to change into a hospital gown so he could physically check me, he wasn’t pleased. To this day, I feel this was inappropriate of him in the first place, as I’d been to that section multiple times and never once had I been asked to remove all my clothing and put on a gown for a check up. He told me I had nothing more than a slight fever and prescribed Panadol, before suggesting I take rest for the day.

I don’t remember how the rest of the day went now, other than, that I continually smelled fire. I do remember ending up in the very same hospital the next day, with the same complaint only to learn I wasn’t suffering any fever at all, and nothing was physically wrong with me. Of course, it was a different doctor this time.

It was then, that the Doctor started asking other, unexpected questions of me. Was I suffering any stress? Did I socialize? Had I been sleeping well? What was my family life like? Was there any history of emotional disorder in my family? She explained to me that Serotonin levels would reduce due to excessive adrenalin, thanks to stress. Eventually, my body simply stopped making Serotonin all together, thus the many reactions I was having. I remembered then, about a week prior when I was in car driving and I was so certain that there was someone following me from my RAK accusers side, with intent to kill me I almost crashed into another car, hysterically calling one of the only people I knew I could trust in the situation I was in at that time. The doctor explained to me that I was suffering a nervous breakdown. And she put me on two meds, Buspar & Seroxat. I was given three or four days sick leave from work, as the meds were expected to allow me to catch up on the sleep I’d lost during the months prior. I spent about 4 strait days sleeping, without realizing I hadn’t even eaten and probably made my way to the bathroom while still asleep.

When I woke up, it was like a weight had literally been lifted from my shoulders. But that didn’t last long. Before I knew it, I was walking empty. I’d switch from long periods of feeling as though my emotions were forced into a bottle with no release, times when I couldn’t shed a tear no matter how much I hurt, to raging emotions both good and bad I couldn’t contain. I’d have periods of emotional pain, unexplained that wouldn’t allow me to sleep or eat, and then period of pure bliss that allowed me to live as though I were in a dream, for just as illusive reasons.

I have spent the last 7 or 8 years dealing with my disorder. I’ve been prescribed multiple medications, with varying results. Many of which are addictive, and more detrimental than the disorder itself is. Most Bipolar people also have highly addictive personalities. Unfortunately, I’ve lost all confidence in the metal health professionals here in the UAE. From my medications being added to without any proper answers on to what I was taking in combination, to being given medications that literally made me hallucinate only for me to read that they were meant for patients with psychotic disorders and not emotional ones, to having working medications switched because the UAE had run out of the one that I needed, to being given meds that forced me to gain 4 kilos in less than a month – which can only serve to depress a girl all that more, and which I still haven’t lost, to finally over-dosing and chopping up my own arms (something I never imagined I’d do, and know I’d never have thought about were it not for the meds), I realized I needed to call the ‘psychological health professionals’ in the UAE and the meds, quits. I’ve lost all faith in this industry here and you would too. In fact, I’d like to become one because I believe a good one is needed more than anything else in this gleaming country.

Anyway, this is my personal story of Bipolar. Just about anyone who suffers this disorder will have a different story, but similar emotions. What I think the most important thing people who don’t know about Bipolar Disorder need to know, is that we feel things both good and bad at more passionate levels, and on further reaches of the emotional poles than people who don’t suffer this disorder. For these reasons, we’re overly dramatic, because to us a small pleasure that one would normally feel, becomes ecstasy and what should normally cause a regular disappointment feels like pure devastation. What you might feel through the diagnosed sickness of a loved one, we might feel as the death of that very same person would feel to you. What you might feel from a flirtatious remark from a stranger, we might feel as a marriage proposal, with champagne, carriage and all. What winning a thousand dollars might feel like to you, may feel like winning a million to us. Learning to control these emotions is the struggle of each person who suffers this. We need to learn where to draw the line between what we should be feeling and what we’re forced to feel thanks to this chemical imbalance.

I’m all for meds when it’s the initial treatment. But after a year or two, I don’t believe Bipolar people should continue to use them. For the most part, meds stopped me from feeling anything at all. They truly created a soul without a heart, and feeling that everything you knew you should be feeling was bottled up and unable to escape and knowing this perpetual feeling won’t stop until you stop taking the meds, is just as bad for me as being in perpetual emotional pain or believing you’re indestructible. You start trying to make yourself feel, though over dramatic actions, because you don’t want to feel hollow anymore. Imagine, an artist unable to paint or write because there’s simply nothing there… Like a poet who’s run out of ink, or a painter who’s brush is broken. I believe it’s healthier and better for bipolar people to learn about their disorder and learn to cope with it than to stifle everything into a pill. I'd rather have a canvas with excess paint and multiple brushes, or a pen that splotches ink all over the page than none at all.

For those of you inclined to feel pity for us, I beg you not to even go there. If anything, many of us will feel pity for you, because we’ve felt highs like no other. We’ve lived moments when we truly believe we’re indestructible, thus allowing us to take greater risks and experience greater excitements. We’re living the best dramatic film you’ve ever watched, and we know it’s there for the rest of our lives. We’ve got a lot more to smile about than you’d probably ever imagine. And for a great part of the time, we’re smiling wider than you’d assume. Just ask anyone who knows me, personally.

In the meantime, if you’d like more information on Bipolar Disorder, please take a look at these links:

General Information

Family Doctor
NIMH:Bipolar Disorder
Mayo Clinic

Tests

healthyplace.com this page offers links to a number of health/psychological related tests you can take online. Of course, for accurate answers you must see a physician.

A Thousand Thoughts…

2006-08-29T08:24:00.000+04:00

A thousand thoughts have been running through my brain and a thousand times they’ve been cut-off without completion. A thousand moments have been wasted on empty spaces in the center of my mind.

A thousand is a funny number. And it’s inaccurate just the same.

There are a few things I’d like to gripe about, but the energy is no longer there. There are a few points I’d like to make but they’re too blurred in my own thoughts to create anything coherent in writing.

I realized something this morning… I really just don’t care right now.

A bitch is a bitch and she’ll always be that way. A good deed gone unnoticed will be rewarded just the same. And both work vice-versa. So why care?

This is a Surprise, isn’t it?

2006-08-28T15:41:00.000+04:00

You Are 100% Bipolar

You have some serious ups and downs, maybe to the point of endangering your own life.
Consult a doctor to see if you may truly have bipolar disorder.

Are You Bipolar?

Thank you AD for sending this my way, but I’ve learned nothing new from this, now have I? Come on guys, let me know what you all get. It’s short. It’s easy. And my results are dead-on.

For the Love of UAE

2006-08-27T14:06:00.000+04:00

For the Love of UAE

Watching the UAE change as rapidly as it is, is disheartening for many of us who have been here a little longer than a few years. Though there are many positive aspects to these changes, the negative ones tend to engrave deeper emotions in our hearts and more profound thoughts in our minds.

It’s getting harder and harder for me to defend the UAE as whole-heartedly as I found myself able not so long ago. I don’t blame the influence of negative blogs or media for this as much as I do my personal experiences, lately.

The most common ‘bad’ that get highlighted regularly are traffic woes, inefficiency of so many different areas in this country, incompetence with things that should be first rules like customer service, racial discrimination and censorship. In the midst of all these ‘bad’ the ‘good’ that still exist from way back when, or that are transferring to ‘good’ from ‘bad’ go unheard of. I decided to outline some of those goods that I see (partially influenced by a suggestion I received via email the other day):

Good from the past that still exist:

Generosity

In the UAE if you sit in any coffee shop and watch any table of people regardless of nationality or religion, you will still be sure to see more people arguing that they are the ones to pay the bill and not the company they’ve enjoyed their coffee with. For many of us here, paying the bill is a way of showing you’ve enjoyed your time with your friends, and this generosity still exists today as it did when I first came. There is a stark difference to the common ways back home of ‘going Dutch’ – or only paying for what you yourself have eaten and the way the UAE society pays bills, or arguing that it's not your turn to pay.

You will not often find people eating or drinking alone, either at their homes or in public restaurants. If there is company, more often than not it’s considered down right out rude to quench thirst or hunger while your companions aren’t offered (sometimes even forced) to enjoy the same. I have never been to a home in the UAE, that I can remember where I wasn’t offered a drink almost immediately upon sitting down, and again this is regardless of the nationality of the host(ess).

It’s often that personal tragedies, accidents or medical issues that can not be financially afforded by the victim are brought to the public’s attention through the media. Just as often, you’ll notice that the UAE public manages almost every time to provide the needed charity that specific person is in dire need of.

It’s very rare that I lend out my car and it’s not returned with more petrol in it (and often even professionally washed) than it had when I offered the keys in the first place.

Not once have I been asked to pay a quarter for a bummed cigarette, and not once have I asked someone to make the same exchange while bumming one of mine.

These are just some of the things that come to mind when I think about the over all generous nature of the UAE society. People aren’t forced to behave this way. And contrary to arguments I’m assuming will arise because of these comments, people here are not as well off financially as many foreigners would like to think, and many new expats here still believe. Simply read any local newspaper’s letters to the editor, or follow any UAE based blogs and you’ll see that thanks to the rapidly increasing cost of living, many of us are suffering financially.

Women’s Rights:
In many ways, the women in the UAE have more rights than they do in the west. I can hear the screams from many already for this one, but…

There are women-only salon’s and days at public parks and beaches. For many Muslim women and many non-Muslim women alike, these places and days become a blessing when we’d like to go out without wanting to deal with being hit on by strangers of the opposite sex. In addition, for modest or Muslim women who don’t like people seeing us in any state of undress, the women’s day at the beaches or clubs, allow us to still enjoy sunbathing, swimming and/or jogging while being comfortably dressed for the activity.

From my experience and what my lawyers have told me, it’s virtually impossible for a father to win custody of a young child during divorce, unless one of three or four major sins can be proven beyond doubt – all of which would prove the mother unsuitable to raise children under any circumstance(s). Since my ex husband tried just about everything during the nastiest time of my divorce proceedings, from accusing me of committing adultery to accusing me of theft in a bid to win custody and I still won, I’m confident that this is the truth. I’m sure beyond doubt about this. I am aware that UAE laws states the child will be given to the grandmother on the mother’s side if the mother remarries and the father insists, and to the father once the child reaches a certain age. But I’ve also been informed that at that certain age, the decision is left up to the child and not the law alone. At the end of the day, if the father and mother can work things out while being civil with one another, the law isn’t going to stop them.

Alimony and child-support aren’t an option when it comes to payment. From what I know, an ex refusing or failing to pay either, will end up in jail. Refusal to make such payments and not suffering any consequences is far too common back home.

General

Taxes. I can hear the woes about this one now too, but the fact is we’re not paying taxes on every item we purchase from a supermarket or store as we do with GST & PST in Canada. We’re not having our salaries deducted by the government with each pay-check as is done in so many other countries around the globe. No resident of the UAE has to do annual income taxes that I know of, according to UAE law. I personally don’t think the arguments that hidden payments or fees required for this government service or that one are the same as tax. If you own a company and need government documents, you need to pay for those services. Those of us, who don’t own a company here, don’t have to pay for your services. Tax to me is the Canadian law that states even though I’m not a resident there, I still need to pay annual taxes on everything I make here to support free education, road works, health care, etc. that people back home take advantage of while I use none of the same.

Anyway, these are just some of the things that come to mind just now. I was intending to write a bit about the ‘bad’ that have changed for ‘good’ and vice-versa but I think this entry is long enough now. Maybe I’ll get to that another day.

Bravo Costa Rica & Bravo El Salvador

2006-08-26T22:26:00.000+04:00

Bravo Costa Rica & Bravo El Salvador

Today, I was finally able to watch the documentary linked in Buj’s blog, about American News propaganda and the Palestine/Israel conflict. Not only did it make a lot of sense, I agree with Buj and all the people who made comments there who said this film is a MUST see for just about everyone. Please do take a look at that link. Whether you agree with my belief’s that American media is one of Israel’s greatest propaganda machines or not, by viewing this video you’ll have an idea of why the American public is widely considered dumbed-down* by their own media by the rest of the world. It’ll give an idea of what other’s think and why we think it. It’s worth a look.

*I read that ‘dumbed-down’ term somewhere, but can’t remember where.

One of the main points that video touches about the American media and the way it conceals the truth is through omission of important details needed to understand the base of the conflict. The most important of all is the ‘Occupied Territories’, which according to the documentary are systematically called ‘Jewish Neighborhoods’ instead of Jewish Occupation Settlements. Neighborhood is a peaceful term, Occupation Settlement isn’t.

Anyway, these widely ignored truths are finally getting recognition. On August 17th, I wore a smile from ear to ear over the news that Costa Rica had decided to remove it’s Embassy in Israel from Jerusalem (Occupied Territories) to Tel Aviv, in a move to correct a wrong made in the past.

’"It's time to rectify an historic error that hurts us internationally and deprives us of almost any form of friendship with the Arab world, and more broadly with Islamic civilisation, to which a sixth of humanity belongs," Arias said at an event marking his first 100 days in office.’

This move left El Salvador as the only country with an Embassy based in Jerusalem, for Israel. Today, the decision has been reported by them as well to leave the occupied territories for Tel Aviv.

‘Franciso Lainez, El Salvador's foreign minister, announced the decision on Friday that would see his country follow the example of neighbouring Costa Rica which said last week it would pull its diplomatic mission out of the disputed city.’

It’s not really a wonder that the Israeli public is turning against Olmert, is it? My bet is, if Israel didn’t handle the capture of two soldiers by destroying an entire country and murdering countless civilians, they’d not be losing the political stance they enjoyed for so long. You can argue that no one won the most recent war in Lebanon, but I’ll gladly believe all the innocents killed during this war were martyrs, who died for a greater cause and a greater step closer to true peace in the Middle East, and I’ll pray that God grants them all eternal bliss.

I also tried to watch the much talked about “Syriana” film today, but damn that movie starts off slow. I fell asleep.

*I should mention here that all the news links are from Al Jazeera English, and for some reason I always have to refresh the page on that site before I can actually get the news. You might come across the same 'error' notice I do with the first click. Just refresh and you'll get the link.

British soldiers beating Iraqi kids

2006-08-26T13:03:00.000+04:00


Can it get any worse? These are Iraqi kids.

Proof of how Stoooooopid I am.

2006-08-26T12:10:00.000+04:00

The below entry, I wrote about 2003… it was in fact 2005; February 2005. As that friend just reminded me.

My memory for date sucks that bad… I have NO sense of time.

Belgrade

2006-08-25T19:59:00.000+04:00

In the winter of 2003, I went to Serbia to stand by my best friend as she delivered her first child. Since, she’s moved on and away to Egypt. It just so happens that on the 7th of September, she’ll be back in Belgrade for the sake of changing her work permit in Egypt (if she decides to stay working there she’ll only be in Belgrade for 10 days, but I’m not so sure she’ll go back). I’ve booked my ticket for the 8^th.

This is photo I took in 2003, of the view from her bedroom window in Serbia.

It looks real pretty for those of us in the desert, but I assure you it was hell on earth. Temperatures below freezing made it impossible to think about showering first thing in the morning. Government restrictions and control on household heating meant you would freeze to death when the government decided it was time to turn the heaters off and you would roast when they decided to turn them back on. I was told I should shower with socks on by my best friend’s 80-year-old grandfather, and I was told I needed to drink a shot of Brandy before brushing my teeth each morning, and should carry a bottle with me everywhere to insure I wouldn’t freeze to death. I can’t remember the exact temperatures now, but it was fucking cold. So much so, that that very same grandfather kept food on the balcony instead of in the freezer to preserve it.

The pure depression of the society in that place was like nothing I’d ever seen or could have believed existed. About two weeks after I arrived I saw the first smile on a stranger’s face and actually jumped up and hugged him, making my friend snap a photo because I was so happy to finally see a glimpse of happiness in public. I still have that photo, but since I’m in it, I won’t be posting it here. I was assured by locals it was the winter that did it to people. In the summer time, Serbia is a happy place. I find it hard to believe, but I’m about to find out. I’m also going to see my best friends baby for the first time since she was born. I can’t wait.

Maybe Taunted can help me, when it comes to what Belgrade is like just now. I believe he’s just come back from there.

There aren’t any tickets available back home until after the 15^th of September. I’m afraid that may be too long off in my case. I don’t know that I trust the hospitals there, but my friend has assured me that there are really good private ones, far better than the government one I saw (where medicines were not available but had to be brought in from outside by the patients), and the treatment I need is available. I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone yet, but it’s pretty much confirmed… I’m going.

In the meantime, my son has refused to go to the school tomorrow with his father unless I go with him. It sure feels good to know that your baby still wants you, especially when you know that soon enough he won’t want my hand at all. I need to get up early tomorrow to accompany my ex husband and my child to the school. I hope he’ll be alright on his first day, if I’m away for it. Then, my ex husband is off to look into getting a new nanny and a new maid. Hopefully, I’ll hold my temper if I see either of these women tomorrow. The more I think about what they may have exposed my son to, the more I see my self beating the shit out of them both.

Pity the maids…

2006-08-25T14:38:00.000+04:00

…my ass.

Blame the UAE law…

…wrong again.

I learned something new yesterday. I learned something new about the UAE law that I’m sure a lot of expats aren’t aware of. It’s how much control you actually have when it comes to some of those laws you’re all so against.

My ex husband called me up yesterday to tell me the police raided their house at 2am; specifically the maids room. Inside, they found a naked man hiding under the maids bed. You see, my ex father in law, saw a man sneaking into the room when he called the police to report it.

Both the maid and the man were sent to the police station. Here’s the funny part, no case was opened and neither of them have been punished. In fact that bitch is currently working as normal in my ex’s house. Why? Because my father in law chose not to open the case. Despite the police intervention, the choice was his. So, for all of your bitching the UAE laws are too strict in these cases, have comfort in knowing that should it be against someone you sponsor, the choice it up to you and not the UAE law.

I’m more than pissed off about this incident, because though my nanny was with my son here at my house when this happened, there was a night three or four weeks ago when the same guy was seen knocking on the maid’s bedroom door only to be caught (I suppose it’ll help if you all knew this ‘man’ is in fact a mentally retarded distant family member thus the easy access to the house), to which my nanny played stupid, “Why is X knocking on my door?”

She attempted to play stupid when the police caught the other maid too, but that was all ruined when I took her mobile and well, the aforementioned man attempted calling her three times while the phone was with me. So much for innocence.

Now my personal problem… Since my divorce I’ve been fighting with my ex and his family because they allowed my son to sleep in the maid’s room with them. Up until now, they’ve ignored my protests because well, 1) my son likes to sleep with the nanny for some reason and 2) everyone else in the main house would rather not take the responsibility of waking up with him at night to go to the toilet.

I don’t give a shit what this maid or even my nanny does when it comes to relationships and sex. I do give a shit if my son may have been witness to this sort of crap. And since the guy attempted to get into the house (we’ve since learned the bitch maid left the gate open for him when she expected he’d be coming), when my nanny and my son where in the room just a few weeks ago, I’ve got no reason to doubt he was expected on that night too, and was only put off by the fact that my sister-in-law saw him in the yard through the kitchen window and questioned him before he had a chance to get in.

I’ve been promised over and over again, my son will NEVER sleep in that room again. If they don’t follow through with this, I’m not so sure I’ll be as kind as I have been when it comes to sharing custody anymore.

I believe both these maids need to go. This time, it may have been a distant family member, next time it could be a strange man these women are sneaking into the house in the middle of the night. My in-laws don’t seem to want to do that. The one who was caught owes someone money and needs to work it off, the nanny who ‘takes care of my son’ is needed something I don’t agree with at all. I can handle my son without a damn nanny, why the fuck can’t they?

Anyway, there’s a few things to be learnt in this. 1) If you don’t like the punishments, at the end of the day it’s up to you whether to push them or not in these sorts of cases, and 2) even the maids you sponsor and treat well aren’t always trustable.

The Whole World is Dumb

2006-08-24T11:31:00.000+04:00

This morning I woke up and decided that the entire population of earth, including myself, is stupid beyond belief. I care not to explain this thought, but would rather have you all draw your own conclusions about it.

I have little to say right now, except maybe warn my readers that it looks like I may be taking off to Canada in a week or two for a week or two. A few unexpected medical complications have come up and I’m not sure if they can be dealt with here, in the UAE.

If by any chance I disappear without warning, remember this entry.

VOIP Petition for the UAE

2006-08-23T07:45:00.000+04:00

I’m probably late to post this (as I first noticed it yesterday in the news), but for everyone (in the UAE) who hasn’t already, please do take a look at and sign this petition.

Whether you believe it’ll do something or not, it’s worth giving it a go. From what I read today, this petition is speaking a lot and has been brought to our ‘service providers’ attention, and they are considering changes at this time. Though, of course, that could be misleading language. Whatever… it’ll take less than two minutes to sign and it’s worth giving it a go.

UAE VOIP Petition

Maybe this time something will be done? There's got to be a first for everything, no?