I'm leaving.

After hanging up with you I sat on the couch. I carved a reminder in my arm that says, "Leave him". I watched it bleed before he woke up and took me to bed telling me he loved me and was sorry he hurt me. I lay in bed for an hour thinking about how much it hurts before deciding suicide was the only option. That scared me. I woke him up and told him I needed help. I told him I wanted to die and was terrified I was going to kill myself. He complained about his semi-bruised face from where I’d hit him earlier, and then told me he was my help. That’s when I realized just how fucking lonely I am. The only person I actually have to talk to here, is the one person who keeps pushing me over the edge like this.

So I called my mom.

She's arranging a ticket for me out of here as soon as possible. Almost hysterical I told her I've absolutely had enough of this place and need to get the fuck out before I do hurt myself or someone else. I told her to wait, let me sell off the car and the flat and then I'll come home permanently. I weakly asked her about my son and she assured me I could come visit him yearly. Right now, I believe yearly is better than never again.

She doesn't want me to wait though. She tells me to fuck the car and the flat. Spend a few months back home. Clear my head. Then make a rational decision. I'm in no position to argue. That's what I'm doing, I guess.

I don't know what day I'm flying out. I don't know when I'll be back. I do know I'm going home to arrange a permanent life for myself there so that I can leave this God forsaken place once and for all.

Love you. I'll be in touch.