Friday, June 08, 2007

I'm leaving.

After hanging up with you I sat on the couch. I carved a reminder in my arm that says, "Leave him". I watched it bleed before he woke up and took me to bed telling me he loved me and was sorry he hurt me. I lay in bed for an hour thinking about how much it hurts before deciding suicide was the only option. That scared me. I woke him up and told him I needed help. I told him I wanted to die and was terrified I was going to kill myself. He complained about his semi-bruised face from where I’d hit him earlier, and then told me he was my help. That’s when I realized just how fucking lonely I am. The only person I actually have to talk to here, is the one person who keeps pushing me over the edge like this.

So I called my mom.

She's arranging a ticket for me out of here as soon as possible. Almost hysterical I told her I've absolutely had enough of this place and need to get the fuck out before I do hurt myself or someone else. I told her to wait, let me sell off the car and the flat and then I'll come home permanently. I weakly asked her about my son and she assured me I could come visit him yearly. Right now, I believe yearly is better than never again.

She doesn't want me to wait though. She tells me to fuck the car and the flat. Spend a few months back home. Clear my head. Then make a rational decision. I'm in no position to argue. That's what I'm doing, I guess.

I don't know what day I'm flying out. I don't know when I'll be back. I do know I'm going home to arrange a permanent life for myself there so that I can leave this God forsaken place once and for all.

Love you. I'll be in touch.

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Blogger Prometheus said...

Take care, hon. Get that macabre stuff outta yer head. Prometheus needs you. Yer precious to a lot of people, girl. Here's wishing you the best that life has to offer.

7:22 AM, June 09, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WTF !!!! are you ok ? If you need ANYTHING you know where I am, I am on the other end of the phone 24/7 !


3:09 PM, June 10, 2007  
Blogger Absology said...

Seems like a tough situation.
I hope all goes well with you !

11:30 PM, June 10, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tainted, turn on your phone, give me a call or sth!It is not funny anymore

1:25 PM, June 11, 2007  
Blogger Tainted Female said...

Thank you Prom. You're one of the people I've seemingly been ignoring by email. Please, PLEASE don't take it personally. As I'm sure you can see, I've been going through a lot lately.

Babe_uae, I'll be fine as soon as I get the hell outta here. But you already know that... :)

Travelling Stranger... Thank you.


It's not supposed to be funny - never was. My phone is on. Maybe you're calling an old number? But I really don't have the time right now to explain much. My flight leaves on the morning of the 13th.

4:40 PM, June 11, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I must have the old number, then. Have a good flight, wish you good luck and don't worry about explaining ;) I'm thinking about you :)

5:07 PM, June 11, 2007  
Blogger Seabee said...

Tainted hang in there. Don't try to do it all on your own, get some help and clear the garbage from your head. And let us know how you're doing...

4:43 PM, June 14, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


9:34 PM, June 16, 2007  
Blogger Lirun said...

alla maaki..

5:58 PM, June 20, 2007  

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