Vacation Over…

I woke up this morning from dreams about getting to my shrinks appointment today. I do not know what scares me more, the trip itself, getting lost in this city where everything feels like dejavu, or having to attempt to explain the last 26 years of my life, the years that made me what I am today, to a complete stranger in less than an hour.

Whatever it is, it’s the first step to finally getting over the haunting my own mind forces upon me, each and every day of my life. It’s been this way for as long as I can remember; incredible, unexplainable misery somewhere in the back of my mind, creeping through every moment of happiness, every smile; the need to isolate myself from the world; the destruction I cause myself over and over again that I can recognize but cannot seem to control; the obsessions I learn to love for some undefined amount of time then abandon in a moment as if they never existed; the self-doubt; the fear of me; the destructive relationships with people as messed up as I am.

At least here in the west I have hope. There is real hope on every corner, with every sincere strangers face. It’s almost like each and every one of them are wearing their hearts on their sleeves just struggling to make it each day, like everyone else. Here, daemons don’t seem to hide behind perfect make-up, designer clothing, and layers of lies so thick the host can’t even see through them anymore. Here, people are real. And if I ever want to get back to the world of plastic people to be with my son, I need to learn to be real with me again.

So, today, I take that first real step. I guess the vacation is over for now.