Tuesday, February 13, 2007


I called up a friend of mine yesterday. His phone was switched off. In four years, this is the first time I’ve ever found his phone off. My first thought, ’he’s died’. Chances are his battery died, he’s on plane somewhere, or his phone simply switched off in his pocket and he didn’t realize. But I can’t force myself to try calling again just yet, just in case.

Ever since I was little I’ve been obsessed with death. It’s not necessarily an unhealthy obsession, just something that I try to keep in the front of my mind – and when I succeed, it totally consumes me. Most people, I believe, like to trick themselves into thinking they're immortal. In reality, death is the only certainty we have in life. So why not embrace it? And if you could, what would you change?

Would you still be the self-centered, egotistical, too-good-for-everyone-else bitch that you are? Would you quit drinking? Would you start praying and try your hardest to be religiously devoted? Would you apologize to everyone you know you’ve wronged, but couldn’t admit to yourself because your ego was just that big? Would it knock you down a notch? Would you realize that you’re no better than anyone else, simply because you too, will die with the rest of us?

I forget sometimes, that I’ll die. Just like everyone else. But there’s always something small, like a switched off phone, to remind me. If he’s dead, what will that mean to me?

He’s married. His wife knows nothing about me. We don’t have a physical relationship or anything like that. Nonetheless, I’m his secret. How would ever know if he were dead? And if and when I found out, would it affect anything immediately? I have something that belongs to him; or rather to his company. Eventually, they’ll need that back. Would I hold on to it, as a final reminder? Would I contact someone else I know who works with him just to return it? And if so, would they even care if he were actually gone? And am I psychotic to even think about something so small, when death is in the picture making it a much bigger picture? Or is that just human nature?

It’s the little things that come with death that make it so interesting for me. There's security in knowing that I know for sure I'll die, when I know nothing else.



Blogger Absology said...

I wouldn't wanna meet my Lord without at least being a person who prays!

No matter what my sins, that's my connection to Him.

8:04 AM, February 13, 2007  
Blogger adevents said...

Good morning tainted, too much of the word death here for a morning, hey we all going to die yes but I am sure most of us don’t want to be reminded, we all know we should remind our self of this certainty but again we don’t want to

9:56 AM, February 13, 2007  
Blogger Lizza said...

Powerful post, Tainted. I especially liked the last line: There's security in knowing that I know for sure I'll die, when I know nothing else.

One of the things I'd like to change about myself--whenever I think about death--is that I should LIVE more. :-)

10:45 AM, February 13, 2007  
Blogger Tainted Female said...

Thanks for the thoughts guys.

AD sorry it's too much for you in the morning. :)

And lizza... it's the truth though, isn't it?

4:28 PM, February 13, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funnily enough, your post was somewhat a relief... made me feel less alone with my own relationship with death. It's a little different and a little similar at the same time. And would I like to change something about me when I'm reminded of mortality? Which would be like every day? Yes. I would like to be nicer to people - I might not see them again.

5:13 PM, February 13, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

About a year ago, I had a nice girl-friend (not girlfriend) in Dubai who was 30 years old. I used to phone her from time to time, and one day I found her phone switched off, so I waited for 1 or 2 days to call again, but it was still off…
I sent her emails to both her accounts at yahoo and google, in case she has traveled, but no reply. I kept phoning and sending every now and then for months without success, until I found one day that the yahoo emails started to bounce back because the account became inactive, and of course the phone number also became inactive…

I wish I can think of anything else that could have happened to her…

By the way, we shouldn’t get offended by remembering death… I also repeat what you and Lizza said: “There's security in knowing that I know for sure I'll die…”

All of us have seen real examples for people who died without anticipation, but we don't want to admit it…

P.S. I am sorry for writing a story instead of just a comment but I've just wanted to say that your story is so true...

11:08 PM, February 13, 2007  
Blogger Tainted Female said...


I didn't realize you were still reading the blogs!!!


Don't apologize for sharing your thoughts (even if they are story-like). That's the point of allowing comments.

You know, in my expereince, people vanish in UAE for two or three reasons: 1) Death, 2) Marriage, and 3) Guilt/mental-issues.

I've had a number of friends walk of the face of the planet it seems only to later find out they've either married without telling anyone, or simply decided to 'start' their life over and cut all ties with everyone and everything they know.

8:03 AM, February 14, 2007  
Blogger Taunted said...

I'm not worried about dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens!

1:07 PM, February 14, 2007  
Blogger One Nine Seven One said...

This is an excellent post and i thought it was only me who dwells on these issues. At times I develope an all consuming fear of death...but not my own death, but of those who are close to me and sometimes it is distracting.

My own death I am not too concerned about. As long as I can live my life to the full and in the way I want to while enjoying it, then I am fine. I trust in Allah to look after me whether I live or die. :-)

I have never experienced death first-hand, ya3ny no close friends or relatives have died, but I am sometimes think of the possibility of such an event happening. Especially living in the UAE, when so many people die daily on the roads. Here you just worry alot... more than any sane person should.

Your first paragraph about calling someone (or texting them) and not getting a responce because the phone is off , I can really relate to.

To end, I think the main problem people have with death...is the fact that they have not lived life to the fullest. However if a person obsesses about death or sickness all the time, then to me they are already dead.

2:46 PM, February 14, 2007  
Blogger Sex and Dubai said...

Death is usually one of those topics that everyone likes to sweep under the rug until it hits home in the harshest of ways. If your living a healthy and happy life, the only concern about death really should be the after effects on the lives of those around you - that's why having a will is so damned important yet so underplayed.

As they say, death is the greatest kick of all -that's why they save it for last.

11:05 AM, February 15, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, Tainted, I'm still reading. I'm not writing, because it seems that others manage to translate my thoughts into words soo much better than myself (it happened again - I could sign my name under Yahya'a comment)

11:25 AM, February 15, 2007  
Blogger Jayne said...

Death, like you say & we all know, it the only DEFINITE thing in life. I don't dwell much on it, altho I have thought about suicide more than once. I guess I'll be happy if my death isn't messy & my dentures stay in my mouth! (I'm a strange creature, I know!)

6:47 PM, February 15, 2007  
Blogger i*maginate said...

Your blog is "for real" and a true inspiration. I never realised the power of words until I discovered the blogging scene...now I've set up my own blog...it certainly does help get your emotions out. And I think the topics you choose to write about hit the right spot in terms of addressing things which most people think about, yet most people don't communicate.

The topic of this post is something I assume most think about; yet too intimate to address in person...

Death is something that comes and goes, and is destined to hit us all. Personally, I prepare for those moments, though I've never experienced the passing by of any true loved ones, or anyone of significance to me. However much I improvise, the expectations of grief are probably not going to be anywhere as much as I can imagine in reality.

When the time comes, I'll experience the experience. We have to face it. It's a torturous phase. But we have to deal with it in our own way. I hope we can get through it, when the time comes.

Thanks for touching on this topic. I thought I was insane until I read your post. It's just a normal, human feeling, which I'm glad we and your blog-readers share.

Please keep writing: from reading your blog, I see you've got *uncalled for* sh** ...you speak from the heart...you're a good writer...I like your blog, please keep writing, I see you as a fighting woman and love reading about your conquests...keep going ;)

1:25 AM, February 16, 2007  
Blogger Tainted Female said...

Taunted: You're a nut.

A Yahya: I couldn't agree with you more when you say being in the UAE alone makes us worry a little more than we should about these things. The number of times I've visualized car wrecks or SEEN car wrecks where the vehicles look like someone I know, is huge.

S&D: In the UAE, do wills matter? Especially for Muslims?

Samoum: :) You're a honey.

Jin: Strange is why we love you. Thank you for stopping by. I've been dragging behind when it comes to catching up on blogs I normally visit. I hope little chikken is fantastic!

i*maginate: A pleasure to have you here. I'm assuming you've not read some of my older, nastier entries thus all the enthusiasm about me continuing to write. I'm afraid I've got split writing personalities and it often shows in my blog trends - I also have a mouth like a drunken sailor at times. I do appreciate your thoughts much, though. Thanks for stopping by.

7:34 AM, February 16, 2007  
Blogger Jayne said...

She is indeed fantastic hon - she's all growed up now (at 15mths!!) & going to creche for a coupla hours during the week. She waves to us on MSN & can count up to 3 now - awww bless! Thank you for asking xxxx

5:17 PM, February 16, 2007  
Blogger CG said...

LOL@mouth like a drunken sailor

Death, oh man, I hate this subject. The way I see it is that we are all going to experience it and we have no choice over it. All I hope is that it is as painless as being born.

10:19 PM, February 16, 2007  
Blogger Taunted said...

You dead or something Tainted?

You don't write, you don't e-mail, you don't text, you don't call......

2:11 PM, February 20, 2007  
Blogger purchasewoods said...

That was interesting to me. Depending on my mood - I can go straight to the conclusion that something really bad has happened to someone. It is odd for me as I try to be optimistic and am often accused of being a Pollyanna type.

Good to see you blogging again. Hope the site for jewlery is going well still. The stuff is really beautiful.

Love ya,


10:27 AM, February 21, 2007  
Blogger Quillonpaper said...

It's interesting how in such moments of clarity we tend to perceive such a lifetime!! But you can know something else...

7:09 PM, February 24, 2007  
Blogger flic said...

I have something that belongs to him; or rather to his company.

I wonder what that could be.

3:03 PM, March 01, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This piece was really good!! Greetings from Mexico!! :)

2:23 AM, March 02, 2007  
Blogger ann said...


I know it's beside the real point of this entry, but have you called his company? Is he still alive?!

11:31 PM, March 05, 2007  
Blogger Destitute Rebel said...

Hey tainted, no posts for a long time. what you up to.

1:30 PM, March 08, 2007  
Blogger Sex and Dubai said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

10:50 AM, March 19, 2007  
Blogger Sex and Dubai said...

Tainted: With all this death talk, we're beginning to wonder whether you've fallen off the face of this planet...and we don't even have a cell phone number to confirm! :)

Head up girl - come back to the blogosphere.

10:50 AM, March 19, 2007  
Blogger i*maginate said...

Look, tainted, your unexplained disappearance is totally inexcusable. Feb 13th, isn't that nearly two months since you've posted? Come on, I know you have a thing and a half to post. Now get cracking. What's up?

2:44 AM, April 18, 2007  

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