Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Thank you mama for being trash.

You know, I don’t have the best relationship with my mother these days. I’m sure that’s not surprising to anyone who’s read more than 1 entry in my blog. But an anonymous comment made in another entry got me thinking…

Let me start by saying thank you anonymous. You made me realize something, I probably wouldn’t have seen had you not mentioned the fact that I come from trash, and also invite it.

I do come from trash; actually, the bottom of the barrel. And there’s no secret about it. My family has never been more than white-trash with nothing material to show for our existence. But Dubai has made us something better. We’re now white trash with gold, diamonds, cars, and lots of other pretty things we didn’t have back home. But it’s true, no matter how you dress it; it’ll always be what it is.

Up until tonight, I blamed my mother for it. I thought she was the reason I’m so fucked in the head. Surely, the fact that as a child I went hungry for days watching her pissed drunk in the kitchen with rowdy partiers is why I suffer the way I do. Surely, she could have done something to change that before I became the complete fuck up I am today, right? I believed if she did something different my life would have ended up better, somehow.

And I have held this against her for as far back as I can remember. She’s apologized many times for the way life was when I was young; and I never really forgave her.

But it hit me today… And it hit me really hard… I shouldn’t be blaming my mom for any of this. I should be thanking her.

You see, if I hadn’t come from such a shit-poor family, I wouldn’t know how to differentiate what’s good on the inside, from what looks good on the outside. I’d judge people based on where they came from; as if it were somehow their fault they were born. I’d probably care more about what people thought of me, than I did what I thought of myself. Had I lived a life of security, I’d probably not be half as strong as I am today. Had my mama not shown me what it was like to feel really alone, I probably wouldn’t value the people in my life the way I do. If I hadn’t been through the absurd things I have, I bet, I’d fid it pretty damn hard to understand or sympathize with anyone else who’s been there.

So thank you mama, for raising me in a dirt-poor, alcoholic, trashy environment; cause if you didn’t I’d probably be judging people on where they were from, what they thought, how they looked or dressed, and I’d probably either be forced to keep my thoughts to myself (torturing me eternally) or hide behind a name-less veil when I did speak them, out of fear that they might think any less of me than I could handle.

Thank you mama, for making me real, for making me choose to live my life the way I want to and not the way the rest of the world thinks I should. Thank you mama, for securing my right to have an opinion and raising me to be strong enough to share it without fearing that someone else may have one that differs. And thank you mama for showing me that it’s alright to fuck things up, so long as you realize it and accept your mistake. Thank you mama, for apologizing and showing me it’s never too late and never a mistake to admit it when you’re wrong.

Thank you mama, for being trash. I love you, and I'm sorry I didn't see it sooner.

17 Comments:

Blogger Emaraty said...

A person only realizes things with time. One thing me want say is no matter how good or bad ur family was to u, they never are the ones to be blamed. Everything has its own reasons.

If because of your mother you feel you were treated low and the world called you trash, let them be most welcome to spit out all they want.

The person saying so, first should see his or her own background before speaking words. No one is better than any other human being.

Well lady, just remember one thing, be proud of yourself and your family.

10:34 PM, March 29, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Proud?
I don't believe she is even Canadian.
I think this whole blog is to make Canadians look like trash.
I bet she is a screwed up filipino with a massive chip on her shoulder cos she aint white trash.

10:47 PM, March 29, 2006  
Blogger samuraisam said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:59 PM, March 29, 2006  
Blogger archer14 said...

You gotta disable anon comments to save yourself from morons.

11:20 PM, March 29, 2006  
Blogger Emaraty said...

Who she is,where she is from, why are you so bothered?

Prove yourself with one point that you are better than her.

11:24 PM, March 29, 2006  
Blogger secretdubai said...

Alternatively you can moderate comments. They all get emailed to you, and you can approve/reject. It's more labour intensive, but it means pleasant anonymous people (that can't be bothered to sign up for a Blogger account) can still comment. Your blog does lose some responsiveness though, especially if you're offline for long periods of time.

11:33 PM, March 29, 2006  
Blogger Hot Lemon& Honey said...

o Anon...at least let the blog know who is speaking ... or are you just a coward who likes to throw disgusting comments like that and hide behind it.

1:58 AM, March 30, 2006  
Blogger fabio prado said...

Funny how is easy to judge each other hiding on cyber space. Besides this, what is the problem to be from Philippines or wherever? Its only about money or what? Colour? Anyway Tainted, follow your nice work here and don't worry about idiots.

3:05 AM, March 30, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its tough love that makes us really. I appreciate your realization and sense of self. I too suffered a great deal of trauma when I was younger in a war infested environment. It was the best thing that had ever happened to me. So much good comes from the bad as long as appreciate it. What would be the point anyway?
- inga x

9:29 AM, March 30, 2006  
Blogger MD said...

in the big picture, it's all worth it. i had similar feelings towards my family but for different reasons...and all these years later, everything seems to have fallen in its place. somehow.

1:15 PM, March 30, 2006  
Blogger ArabLady said...

hmmmm does this mean that my feeling toward my family will change too in the future :)))))))))

12:18 AM, March 31, 2006  
Blogger MD said...

yes ArabLady u will. u're going through most of what i went thru. so i know u will :) Inshallah :)

tainted, where u at? having a busy weekend?

2:16 PM, March 31, 2006  
Blogger Emaraty said...

Shez DEPORTED!! :D

8:11 PM, March 31, 2006  
Blogger MD said...

lol emaraty, that wont happen. balushi has too much wasta to get her back :P

9:43 PM, March 31, 2006  
Blogger Tainted Female said...

I bet she is a screwed up filipino with a massive chip on her shoulder cos she aint white trash.

Seems you have issues with filipino's too, huh?

LOL! Anon, Please, please don't desert my Blog or forget to share your insightful view with me and all your other fans here, for even a moment. For I don't know what I'd do without you to throw me of my pedestal and show me where I really belong.

10:06 AM, April 01, 2006  
Blogger Tainted Female said...

Emaraty's right... I was picked up by immigration... I screamed and yelled and threw a tantrum; messing up all those nice official's workday... Then, Balushi came... flashed his wasta-BADGE and took me outta there... saving me from having to leave this beautiful sunny land...

Actually, I spend weekends with my son. Don't have internet at home. So it's normal for me not to be around thursdays and fridays.

Now, who went and deleted their comment? I'd atleast like to see them before your decide you don't like what you wrote... often, the first thought you have regarding something is the most interesting...

10:09 AM, April 01, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

TF,

I think if there is anyones comments you should ban in here, it is secretdubai.

Kinda taints this place, for real!

10:24 AM, April 01, 2006  

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