Dreaming Reality

I’m never really sure what I want; but almost always certain about what I don’t want.

Last night I slept wonderfully, wishing I were somewhere else. This wish melted into my dreams, becoming a mini show playing for an audience of one. I spent maybe an hour or more talking to that friend I mentioned in the last email. As the memories of him came flashing back I realized something new that I don’t want.

I don’t want to forget.

I don’t want to let go of the memories that fill me with true contentment; while the ones that hurt still linger in my mind.

For you my old friend and a little more eligible than the one I wrote for you five years ago;

You are the source of some of the best memories I’ve ever had; and for the sake of helping those memories stick around; I will note some of them down now. Because last night, you reminded me of one that had almost slipped away, and I fear I will lose them all too soon.

I forced you into conversing on the phone; until you learned to like it.

You forced me to see both sides; though you may not know it.

Laughter through more of our classes; than we listened. And English essays written tongue-an-cheek. What was his name? That geek who sat beside you; envied you, though would never admit it. He told me once during class, ‘Ten years from now, you’ll see.” It’s almost been that long, but I’ve forgotten what I’m supposed to learn.

We played aside your pool; mocking the neighboring trolls.
And your neighbors; those little girls adored me. Do you remember them? Do you remember why? I don’t, but last night they flashed back into my mind.

I watched as you surpassed a particular IT teacher, and created your own secure email for only the worthy to share. You consoled me, when she terrified me about the Sharjah arrest; and loved me, though he wanted to hurt you.

And so many other times; though I may have never spoken it out loud.

A drawing on your wall,
a rest on your bed,
and a cigarette on your balcony as cars rushed by below.
A note in your scrapbook,
a mark in my heart,
and Love Inc though not for too long.
Chocolate bars in a bamboo dish on top of your refrigerator.
A flashy red sports car and mounds of books on your mother’s shelves.
And a little sister as they always are.
A Satanic Bible I refused to read.
Michelle Remembers; I don’t recall you returned?
A religion created waging war with authority; success by surpassing all norms and defying those who should have known better.
Marzden & Kay; who were having that affair I inquired about.

A hug hello; on the street as though no one should care, because we sure didn’t..
…and an old man who smiled approvingly.

Jules
Salty peanuts and Filipino singers,
and my view from a dim lit table
as you danced with my out-dated, tipsy, laughing mom.
…without embarrassment

The laughter we shared that night my friend, is the one that almost slipped away.

And how much more has already gone? And when will we make new ones?

A door that’s always open.
...If I get on that plane my friend; I promise to never let go a minute shared you with you again.

You are too close to my heart to ever become a lover; but close enough for me to know I’ll love eternally. If I had every reason to regret the day I was born, you my friend are enough to dissolve that rational.

May we spend our futures not ever again, separate for so long; so that we may develop that goal we strategically outlined time and time again but never realized.

I said it 5 years ago, and I’ll say it again today;

I love you. And I always will.