Islam: Not a Good Muslim, but No Stronger Conviction

Before we came here, I remember seeing two Muslim women, completely covered in black, in one of the shopping malls in Canada. I pointed them out to my friends and said, “This is what the women will dress like where I’m moving.” I had no idea what that meant, or why they did it. I was young, and I’d never been the one to listen to what people have to say so long as they had nothing solid to base it on. I prefer to do my own research rather than just believe word-of-mouth from random talkers.

Anyway, if I have one gripe about the UAE nationals and their culture, it would have to be their unwillingness or inability to initiate conversations about their faith: Islam. Harsha asked in the last post about my reversion (and yes we Muslims consider it reversion and not conversion because we believe every child was born innocently, into complete submission to One God), and here’s where I’m going to explain.

I should be packing my house Harsha, but blogging is addictive and I figure your question is an important one. When I’m all behind in what I should be doing, I will blame you & not my addiction.

For information purposes, ‘Islam’ is defined as just that; complete submission to One God. It is not a name the Prophet Mohammed (sallalhu alaihi wasalaam), or any other Muslim gave our religion. We believe that this is the name and definition of our faith as given by God and no other.

Anyway, I can’t say one person taught me about Islam. There were a number of people willing to answer questions once asked, but the conversations were never initiated by them. It was only when my curiosity grew that I started to get the answers.

I arrived in the UAE when I was 14 years old and lived in an area predominantly inhabited by locals. One of the first impressions I noticed about people here was how tight families seemed to be; brothers would stand by brother’s sides even if they were wrong, children obeyed their parents, and the married couples I’d met seemed content with their lives and everyone was so simple. People, even the Nationals, just weren’t what they are today. Most people seemed content with their lives. Whether it was from the old man who couldn’t speak a word of English but saved my family in a fly filled station wagon almost certainly coming strait from the camel farm, from a broken-down-car in the middle of the desert on a hot summer day, or the young national boy who was kicking a soccer ball around our yard with my brother one day, when I turned on the radio in the midst of athaan, who then taught me that this was a no-no, a sign of lack of respect; people were content almost serene in nature.

This was a stark contrast to the life I’d known and lived in Canada. Being the curious little girl I was, I started to consider the reasons why. All these people seemed to have one other thing in common; religion. So naturally, I started to educate myself on the Islamic beliefs and how they were so tightly entwined with the lifestyle. It was so rare that a national would mention religion, I ended up buying countless books on Islam, which then led me to buy books on Christianity, and multiple other religions and ways of life.

By the time I was 17-years-old I hadn’t been able to find a contradiction in Islamic beliefs. I tried very hard to do so, but found nothing but logic based on provable facts. This left me with a dilemma. What free teenager wants to start covering her hair, and letting go of the concept that 19 just around the corner and she’ll soon be legally allowed to go clubbing? What teenager wants to know that life isn’t just about living aimlessly but actually has a purpose, an aim to reach for? What teenager is ready to make a step and change her whole life?

I wasn’t.

I tried very hard to ignore the truth I knew. I tried to push it under the carpet, at times wishing I hadn’t been so curious. I tried to forget the logic. I tried even harder to find a hole, some untruth in the teachings. But the more I tried, the more convinced I became. Islam isn’t about miracles, or believing in the unseen. The science as proven in the Quraan, and the examples given are everyday logic.

Earlier on, I mentioned in my blog being raped in Canada. What I failed to mention was the men who did this to me; they were African Muslims living in Canada who had pretty much all-but abandoned the Islamic way of life. I left this out on purpose, because while writing that entry I wasn’t ready or willing to get into this whole topic. Knowing they were Muslim, was one of the reasons I trusted them despite not knowing them at all. Islam teaches kindness, modesty, and compassion towards other people. I mistakenly believed that these men would live by these morals despite breaking other Islamic teachings.

The very morning after that night, I got on a plane and returned to Dubai. I haven’t returned to Canada since. Within a week, I was ready to make that change I knew I had to make eventually. I decided that I would be a good Muslim for the rest of my life. I decided that I wouldn’t allow the actions of people who carry a certain label distort my views or what I’d learned. I realized that just because the religion is perfect, people aren’t. I started covering my hair.

I am a Muslim. I am not a very good one at all. The life I once knew is rather addictive and being human, it’s far too easy to slip back into the things I’ve grown to enjoy. It’s easy to block-out what we know in order to satisfy some meager want. One day, I hope to be a better person, a better Muslim. And even as I break every belief I have these days, I know I’m wrong and I hope that one day God gives me the strength to be the person I know I should be.

Until then, know that despite my rough exterior and the horrible example I set for Muslims, there is no conviction stronger in my heart than the conviction that there is One God and Mohammed (sallalhu alaihi wasalaam) is His last messenger.