A Brief Look @ Bipolar Disorder
A few posts back I posted a silly little test in my blog about whether or not you’re Bipolar. Though I’m pleased to see it’s gotten some light-hearted responses, a combination of some of the responses and a few emails I got, made me realize that not everyone knows exactly what Bipolar Disorder is.
First I need to point out that Bipolar people are in no way abnormal in their ability to function properly in society. We can manage ourselves just fine, but in many cases it takes us a little more effort on our own parts. Chances are if you yourself are not suffering from Bipolar, someone you know or love is; whether they know it or not. For this reason alone, it’s good to understand this illness.
The cause of Bipolar Disorder is still widely unknown, though biological evidence proves that people who suffer this disorder, are lacking a neurotransmitter in their brain called Serotonin. Serotonin is responsible for regulation of mood, sleep, sexuality, and appetite. There are cases where Bipolar is believed to be hereditary and there are cases where it’s purely induced by personal social factors. There is no history of Bipolar Disorder in my family.
I was 17 or 18 when I was diagnosed with as Bipolar in the American Hospital in Dubai. I was diagnosed through the least suspected person; a General Doctor I went to see for a fever I had been suffering for two consecutive days. I remember waking up the day prior; literally hearing a voice in my dream that was so loud it actually woke me. Clearly, this male voice commanded me, “Your life is about to change.”
It freaked me out. I was in the midst of the RAK cases I’ve mentioned prior, my parents were traveling, and I had spent the months prior slowly isolating myself from anyone, everyone and everything that wasn’t work related. I was broken hearted, as I’d lost the first love of my life in the months before. I had moved out of my parent’s house and I lived alone. Prior to this isolation, my phone would ring non-stop with invitations, my house was always full and I had a healthy, fun-loving social circle around me. During the months I spent ignoring calls and brushing off friends, I didn’t even realize that I was secluding myself from the world. I’d go to work, then strait home where I’d clean then watch TV or attempt to sleep until the next day. More often that not, I'd find I hadn't slept at all by the time my alarm went off the next day.
The voice stuck so deep in my mind I couldn’t help but believe it. Wondering what could possibly make my life change rapidly, I started to think the only possible outcome would be my parent’s sudden death. I literally started freaking out. I didn’t know what my parent’s flight-number or even airline was, but I started frantically calling all of them, to try and get information on whether or not their flight had crashed. I then called the Canadian Embassy and asked them for help finding them. I was completely paranoid & unstable. The paranoia hardly had a chance to fade when I started smelling fire as if my apartment-building was burning. I searched for a source; I looked out the window and doors and I couldn’t find a thing. I had lost my mind, and I realized it. Finally, I sat and placed my head in my hands and started to cry my eyes out. It was only then, that I realized my head was burning up.
Satisfied with the belief that a fever can cause all sorts of illusions and knowing that being physically ill adds to emotional turmoil (that I was aware I was suffering thanks to the cases and perpetual threat on my life), I was confident enough that nothing had happened to my parents and that nothing was on fire, for me to take a shower and head out to work. I was in my office for about two hours before the fever became unbearable, and I was questioning all my colleagues whether or not they smelled fire too, before I made my way out to the American hospital for a check up. The first doctor I saw was a man, and he was unable to help me. When I refused to change into a hospital gown so he could physically check me, he wasn’t pleased. To this day, I feel this was inappropriate of him in the first place, as I’d been to that section multiple times and never once had I been asked to remove all my clothing and put on a gown for a check up. He told me I had nothing more than a slight fever and prescribed Panadol, before suggesting I take rest for the day.
I don’t remember how the rest of the day went now, other than, that I continually smelled fire. I do remember ending up in the very same hospital the next day, with the same complaint only to learn I wasn’t suffering any fever at all, and nothing was physically wrong with me. Of course, it was a different doctor this time.
It was then, that the Doctor started asking other, unexpected questions of me. Was I suffering any stress? Did I socialize? Had I been sleeping well? What was my family life like? Was there any history of emotional disorder in my family? She explained to me that Serotonin levels would reduce due to excessive adrenalin, thanks to stress. Eventually, my body simply stopped making Serotonin all together, thus the many reactions I was having. I remembered then, about a week prior when I was in car driving and I was so certain that there was someone following me from my RAK accusers side, with intent to kill me I almost crashed into another car, hysterically calling one of the only people I knew I could trust in the situation I was in at that time. The doctor explained to me that I was suffering a nervous breakdown. And she put me on two meds, Buspar & Seroxat. I was given three or four days sick leave from work, as the meds were expected to allow me to catch up on the sleep I’d lost during the months prior. I spent about 4 strait days sleeping, without realizing I hadn’t even eaten and probably made my way to the bathroom while still asleep.
When I woke up, it was like a weight had literally been lifted from my shoulders. But that didn’t last long. Before I knew it, I was walking empty. I’d switch from long periods of feeling as though my emotions were forced into a bottle with no release, times when I couldn’t shed a tear no matter how much I hurt, to raging emotions both good and bad I couldn’t contain. I’d have periods of emotional pain, unexplained that wouldn’t allow me to sleep or eat, and then period of pure bliss that allowed me to live as though I were in a dream, for just as illusive reasons.
I have spent the last 7 or 8 years dealing with my disorder. I’ve been prescribed multiple medications, with varying results. Many of which are addictive, and more detrimental than the disorder itself is. Most Bipolar people also have highly addictive personalities. Unfortunately, I’ve lost all confidence in the metal health professionals here in the UAE. From my medications being added to without any proper answers on to what I was taking in combination, to being given medications that literally made me hallucinate only for me to read that they were meant for patients with psychotic disorders and not emotional ones, to having working medications switched because the UAE had run out of the one that I needed, to being given meds that forced me to gain 4 kilos in less than a month – which can only serve to depress a girl all that more, and which I still haven’t lost, to finally over-dosing and chopping up my own arms (something I never imagined I’d do, and know I’d never have thought about were it not for the meds), I realized I needed to call the ‘psychological health professionals’ in the UAE and the meds, quits. I’ve lost all faith in this industry here and you would too. In fact, I’d like to become one because I believe a good one is needed more than anything else in this gleaming country.
Anyway, this is my personal story of Bipolar. Just about anyone who suffers this disorder will have a different story, but similar emotions. What I think the most important thing people who don’t know about Bipolar Disorder need to know, is that we feel things both good and bad at more passionate levels, and on further reaches of the emotional poles than people who don’t suffer this disorder. For these reasons, we’re overly dramatic, because to us a small pleasure that one would normally feel, becomes ecstasy and what should normally cause a regular disappointment feels like pure devastation. What you might feel through the diagnosed sickness of a loved one, we might feel as the death of that very same person would feel to you. What you might feel from a flirtatious remark from a stranger, we might feel as a marriage proposal, with champagne, carriage and all. What winning a thousand dollars might feel like to you, may feel like winning a million to us. Learning to control these emotions is the struggle of each person who suffers this. We need to learn where to draw the line between what we should be feeling and what we’re forced to feel thanks to this chemical imbalance.
I’m all for meds when it’s the initial treatment. But after a year or two, I don’t believe Bipolar people should continue to use them. For the most part, meds stopped me from feeling anything at all. They truly created a soul without a heart, and feeling that everything you knew you should be feeling was bottled up and unable to escape and knowing this perpetual feeling won’t stop until you stop taking the meds, is just as bad for me as being in perpetual emotional pain or believing you’re indestructible. You start trying to make yourself feel, though over dramatic actions, because you don’t want to feel hollow anymore. Imagine, an artist unable to paint or write because there’s simply nothing there… Like a poet who’s run out of ink, or a painter who’s brush is broken. I believe it’s healthier and better for bipolar people to learn about their disorder and learn to cope with it than to stifle everything into a pill. I'd rather have a canvas with excess paint and multiple brushes, or a pen that splotches ink all over the page than none at all.
For those of you inclined to feel pity for us, I beg you not to even go there. If anything, many of us will feel pity for you, because we’ve felt highs like no other. We’ve lived moments when we truly believe we’re indestructible, thus allowing us to take greater risks and experience greater excitements. We’re living the best dramatic film you’ve ever watched, and we know it’s there for the rest of our lives. We’ve got a lot more to smile about than you’d probably ever imagine. And for a great part of the time, we’re smiling wider than you’d assume. Just ask anyone who knows me, personally.
In the meantime, if you’d like more information on Bipolar Disorder, please take a look at these links:
General Information
Family Doctor
NIMH:Bipolar Disorder
Mayo Clinic
Tests
healthyplace.com this page offers links to a number of health/psychological related tests you can take online. Of course, for accurate answers you must see a physician.
First I need to point out that Bipolar people are in no way abnormal in their ability to function properly in society. We can manage ourselves just fine, but in many cases it takes us a little more effort on our own parts. Chances are if you yourself are not suffering from Bipolar, someone you know or love is; whether they know it or not. For this reason alone, it’s good to understand this illness.
The cause of Bipolar Disorder is still widely unknown, though biological evidence proves that people who suffer this disorder, are lacking a neurotransmitter in their brain called Serotonin. Serotonin is responsible for regulation of mood, sleep, sexuality, and appetite. There are cases where Bipolar is believed to be hereditary and there are cases where it’s purely induced by personal social factors. There is no history of Bipolar Disorder in my family.
I was 17 or 18 when I was diagnosed with as Bipolar in the American Hospital in Dubai. I was diagnosed through the least suspected person; a General Doctor I went to see for a fever I had been suffering for two consecutive days. I remember waking up the day prior; literally hearing a voice in my dream that was so loud it actually woke me. Clearly, this male voice commanded me, “Your life is about to change.”
It freaked me out. I was in the midst of the RAK cases I’ve mentioned prior, my parents were traveling, and I had spent the months prior slowly isolating myself from anyone, everyone and everything that wasn’t work related. I was broken hearted, as I’d lost the first love of my life in the months before. I had moved out of my parent’s house and I lived alone. Prior to this isolation, my phone would ring non-stop with invitations, my house was always full and I had a healthy, fun-loving social circle around me. During the months I spent ignoring calls and brushing off friends, I didn’t even realize that I was secluding myself from the world. I’d go to work, then strait home where I’d clean then watch TV or attempt to sleep until the next day. More often that not, I'd find I hadn't slept at all by the time my alarm went off the next day.
The voice stuck so deep in my mind I couldn’t help but believe it. Wondering what could possibly make my life change rapidly, I started to think the only possible outcome would be my parent’s sudden death. I literally started freaking out. I didn’t know what my parent’s flight-number or even airline was, but I started frantically calling all of them, to try and get information on whether or not their flight had crashed. I then called the Canadian Embassy and asked them for help finding them. I was completely paranoid & unstable. The paranoia hardly had a chance to fade when I started smelling fire as if my apartment-building was burning. I searched for a source; I looked out the window and doors and I couldn’t find a thing. I had lost my mind, and I realized it. Finally, I sat and placed my head in my hands and started to cry my eyes out. It was only then, that I realized my head was burning up.
Satisfied with the belief that a fever can cause all sorts of illusions and knowing that being physically ill adds to emotional turmoil (that I was aware I was suffering thanks to the cases and perpetual threat on my life), I was confident enough that nothing had happened to my parents and that nothing was on fire, for me to take a shower and head out to work. I was in my office for about two hours before the fever became unbearable, and I was questioning all my colleagues whether or not they smelled fire too, before I made my way out to the American hospital for a check up. The first doctor I saw was a man, and he was unable to help me. When I refused to change into a hospital gown so he could physically check me, he wasn’t pleased. To this day, I feel this was inappropriate of him in the first place, as I’d been to that section multiple times and never once had I been asked to remove all my clothing and put on a gown for a check up. He told me I had nothing more than a slight fever and prescribed Panadol, before suggesting I take rest for the day.
I don’t remember how the rest of the day went now, other than, that I continually smelled fire. I do remember ending up in the very same hospital the next day, with the same complaint only to learn I wasn’t suffering any fever at all, and nothing was physically wrong with me. Of course, it was a different doctor this time.
It was then, that the Doctor started asking other, unexpected questions of me. Was I suffering any stress? Did I socialize? Had I been sleeping well? What was my family life like? Was there any history of emotional disorder in my family? She explained to me that Serotonin levels would reduce due to excessive adrenalin, thanks to stress. Eventually, my body simply stopped making Serotonin all together, thus the many reactions I was having. I remembered then, about a week prior when I was in car driving and I was so certain that there was someone following me from my RAK accusers side, with intent to kill me I almost crashed into another car, hysterically calling one of the only people I knew I could trust in the situation I was in at that time. The doctor explained to me that I was suffering a nervous breakdown. And she put me on two meds, Buspar & Seroxat. I was given three or four days sick leave from work, as the meds were expected to allow me to catch up on the sleep I’d lost during the months prior. I spent about 4 strait days sleeping, without realizing I hadn’t even eaten and probably made my way to the bathroom while still asleep.
When I woke up, it was like a weight had literally been lifted from my shoulders. But that didn’t last long. Before I knew it, I was walking empty. I’d switch from long periods of feeling as though my emotions were forced into a bottle with no release, times when I couldn’t shed a tear no matter how much I hurt, to raging emotions both good and bad I couldn’t contain. I’d have periods of emotional pain, unexplained that wouldn’t allow me to sleep or eat, and then period of pure bliss that allowed me to live as though I were in a dream, for just as illusive reasons.
I have spent the last 7 or 8 years dealing with my disorder. I’ve been prescribed multiple medications, with varying results. Many of which are addictive, and more detrimental than the disorder itself is. Most Bipolar people also have highly addictive personalities. Unfortunately, I’ve lost all confidence in the metal health professionals here in the UAE. From my medications being added to without any proper answers on to what I was taking in combination, to being given medications that literally made me hallucinate only for me to read that they were meant for patients with psychotic disorders and not emotional ones, to having working medications switched because the UAE had run out of the one that I needed, to being given meds that forced me to gain 4 kilos in less than a month – which can only serve to depress a girl all that more, and which I still haven’t lost, to finally over-dosing and chopping up my own arms (something I never imagined I’d do, and know I’d never have thought about were it not for the meds), I realized I needed to call the ‘psychological health professionals’ in the UAE and the meds, quits. I’ve lost all faith in this industry here and you would too. In fact, I’d like to become one because I believe a good one is needed more than anything else in this gleaming country.
Anyway, this is my personal story of Bipolar. Just about anyone who suffers this disorder will have a different story, but similar emotions. What I think the most important thing people who don’t know about Bipolar Disorder need to know, is that we feel things both good and bad at more passionate levels, and on further reaches of the emotional poles than people who don’t suffer this disorder. For these reasons, we’re overly dramatic, because to us a small pleasure that one would normally feel, becomes ecstasy and what should normally cause a regular disappointment feels like pure devastation. What you might feel through the diagnosed sickness of a loved one, we might feel as the death of that very same person would feel to you. What you might feel from a flirtatious remark from a stranger, we might feel as a marriage proposal, with champagne, carriage and all. What winning a thousand dollars might feel like to you, may feel like winning a million to us. Learning to control these emotions is the struggle of each person who suffers this. We need to learn where to draw the line between what we should be feeling and what we’re forced to feel thanks to this chemical imbalance.
I’m all for meds when it’s the initial treatment. But after a year or two, I don’t believe Bipolar people should continue to use them. For the most part, meds stopped me from feeling anything at all. They truly created a soul without a heart, and feeling that everything you knew you should be feeling was bottled up and unable to escape and knowing this perpetual feeling won’t stop until you stop taking the meds, is just as bad for me as being in perpetual emotional pain or believing you’re indestructible. You start trying to make yourself feel, though over dramatic actions, because you don’t want to feel hollow anymore. Imagine, an artist unable to paint or write because there’s simply nothing there… Like a poet who’s run out of ink, or a painter who’s brush is broken. I believe it’s healthier and better for bipolar people to learn about their disorder and learn to cope with it than to stifle everything into a pill. I'd rather have a canvas with excess paint and multiple brushes, or a pen that splotches ink all over the page than none at all.
For those of you inclined to feel pity for us, I beg you not to even go there. If anything, many of us will feel pity for you, because we’ve felt highs like no other. We’ve lived moments when we truly believe we’re indestructible, thus allowing us to take greater risks and experience greater excitements. We’re living the best dramatic film you’ve ever watched, and we know it’s there for the rest of our lives. We’ve got a lot more to smile about than you’d probably ever imagine. And for a great part of the time, we’re smiling wider than you’d assume. Just ask anyone who knows me, personally.
In the meantime, if you’d like more information on Bipolar Disorder, please take a look at these links:
General Information
Family Doctor
NIMH:Bipolar Disorder
Mayo Clinic
Tests
healthyplace.com this page offers links to a number of health/psychological related tests you can take online. Of course, for accurate answers you must see a physician.
posted by Tainted Female at
11:05 AM
21 Comments:
wow that descripe it all
" And for a great part of the time, we’re smiling wider than you’d assume"
u r right i saw it in a friemd of mine with Bipolar and he is always laughing and smiling more than any one else, thanks for the info
'We're smiling wider than you'd assume. Just ask anyone who knows me, personally'
TF: I'll take your word on this one
I guess this statement says it all about you.
Ah well..the uneven distribution of highs & lows..for sure no meds can treat that, they can control it for a while and one of them is Lithocarb by Merck that is prescribed in Bipolar indications. Buspar (Buspirone Hcl) is more of an anti-depressant.
Having said this, the key to yourself is with you, within you and not in any meds.
The (highs) are a blessing in disguise. I guaranty you the lows can be dealt with and for sure you don't need any meds for this downward feeling, just someone around to keep an eye on you.
Look up the movie I mentioned in your earlier post 'Mr. Jones'. It's about Bipolar and worth a watch.
Tainted, thanks for sharing this story with all of us, its good to get people thinking about such a disorder that can be either overlooked or over diagnosed.
Some of the symptoms that you describe could be explained by bipolar disorder, a detailed and more through history and more importanlty follow up is essential to make a defintive diagnosis.
This is a disorder that I tend to find is over used, simply becuase it overlaps with some other mood disorder,personality disorders and perhaps attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.
There are two types of bipolar disorder, one with hypmanic symptoms (ie symptoms of increased energy, overtalkativeness, irritability, overspending, hypersexyality,feeling high, with decreased sleep, but all these symptoms don't interferre with their social functioning), the other has full blown manice symptoms with all of the above symptoms, plus delusion (false fixed beliefs which is considered a psychotic symptom) or auditory hallucination.
Two are treated diffently. if you have have the latter type with full blown mania, this diffenetly needs treatment, as the more "episodes" you go through the more frequent they become and more difficult to treat in the future thus a poor prognosis.
if you have hypomania, then its ok not to get treatment, unless you get a depressive episode which is interferring with your social/occupational life.
It is unfortunate that you had a terrible experience with the medication, but I think you were not put on the right ones. Its true some of the meds can cause some emotional dulling (the mood stabalizers and some antidepressants) this however is the price to get a more stable life...as this disorder does have a big impact on interpersoal relationships and social functioning in general. And some who suffered the consequences of the disorder appreicate the meds despite the side effects. Sometimes psychiatrist use antipsychotics to initially treat the psychotic symptoms (delusions) the newer ones act as mood stabalizers as well (Olanzapine)
Again, I have to emphasise that sometimes doctors are quick to make the diagnosis. A big mistake.
I agree some of the psychiatric treamtents offered are outdated, but I know some who do a great job.
Be good now :)
a word of symphony: "Having said this, the key to yourself is with you, within you and not in any meds."
can't agree with that, people with bipolar disorder have no control over their emotions, and medication including lithium helps stablize the mood not treat.
I think it's great that you help create awareness concerning this state of mind and being for a lot of people out there.
Talking about it in a disarming way, and putting a "Tainted Face" on the issue is really fantastic. Good on you :)
"Having said this, the key to yourself is with you, within you and not in any meds."
Hot Lemon & Honey: What I meant with this note earlier was that meds control, not cure. An example of control I quote in Epilepsy. Meds such as Carbamazepine, phenytoin, sodium valproate only control seizures similar to Lithium stabilizing the mood in Bipolar. There's no absolute cure to either.
As for Neuro Med and I mean depression, bipolar, manic depression, the UAE has a long way to go in this sector of specialized medicine.
AD… I’m glad you enjoyed reading this, and See!!! I told you almost everyone will know someone who suffers this! :)
Symphony, I agree with what you’re saying but as HL pointed out, diagnoses of Bipolar disorder isn’t normally a 1 shot thing. Being depressed, (called manic depressant) is one of the poles of Bipolar. It’s not rare that patients will initially be treated for depression alone, since it’s logically more common that someone will seek treatment when they’re down & not up (and a severe UP is what manic is all about).
Despite what HL has shared here, I do tend to agree with you when you say it’s up to you, for the most part. I agree with her when she says we can’t control the way we feel, that’s for certain. But we can educate ourselves on our disorder and learn when we need to stop reacting according to them. At the same time, I’m never far from the hospital and almost all my loved ones know what I’m going through incase I lose control, I’m scared I’ll get so weary that I’ll lose that battle. But, I’ve not until now. It’s amazing what alternative meds can help with here, as well. And YES I’m promoting some of them just now!
’The (highs) are a blessing in disguise.’
Like the lows, it also depends on how high. The highs can be just as devastating. Imagine ruining your own career, with a smile on your face because you honestly believed you were happy and nothing could possibly go wrong. Imagine, not fearing consequences of your actions at all. I have a very close friend who is Bipolar, and had to leave the emirates because of her manic, eventually. She destroyed her entire life and has been paying for it ever since.
HL, I agree with you 100% when you say it’s over-diagnosed; especially in the west! I’m also aware of both types and the varying degrees of what patients will feel; but there’s a thin line between them and that’s important to note as well. I personally, only suffered delusions while smelling fire, and having medical symptoms that weren’t really there. This was the second time my body had told me it was sick when it wasn’t. The first time I was told, ‘nervous breakdown’ because I had a bunch of little physical complaints a few years prior, I thought the doctor was full or shit and I ignored him. No one likes to think they’re crazy (which is what this diagnoses initially made me think). When I was prescribed anti-psychotics, they were meant to replace a combination of Xanax & (I can’t remember now, I believe it was Zoloft, or one of the ones starting with ‘Lith’, not the one Symphony mentioned as I don’t remember that one at all) the hospital’s had run out. I was not suffering any delusions.
Maybe I have a thing about the meds because of my experience. But at from the bottom of my heart I do not believe people suffering from Bipolar should take them longer than a few years. I believe with proper treatment, your body is supposed to learn how to create Serotonin on its own eventually and above all, the human mind is the strongest defender of us all. Your favorite movie (as mentioned in your profile) “A Beautiful Mind’ is a perfect example of that, isn’t it? If we’re educated enough, we can fight even our own demons. By the way, it’s great to see you here again.
SS… Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts much.
Tainted: this is a fine piece of writing with insight that only comes from being there - thanks for sharing your experiences.
It's interesting to note that Bipolar is linked to serotonin production - or lack of it, and your post has made me recall some events that we had with the elder of my two younger brothers a few years back.
J (my brother) was a nightclub/ dance party freak, and with it came his use of Ecstasy which is also linked to changing serotonin levels.
When he was high, he experienced a lot of the similar things that you have written about - the invincibility, quitting a great job because it didn't matter anymore - even finding God was part of his journey when he was high. He would scare the life out of us with his sobbing phone calls, telling us that he was so very very happy and that God had spoken to him, and that everything was ok - it just wasn't the J that we were used to! He would tell me that if he died right there and then, that he was ok with that, because his life couldn't get any better.
The lows when they came, would often send him into the psych unit of the local hospital. On a couple of occasions his friends checked him in, my mother also booked him in once, and then he recognised a few times when he had to take himself there. He was never angry or upset at being in the psych unit, it was if he recognised that it was the right place for him to be in the low times so that he could be watched and taken care of.
Where it differs from bipolar disorder, is that when the effects of the E wore off, his serotonin levels could at least find the equilibrium again, so that he came back to normality, so to speak.
Thankfully for our family those days with my brother are over, as he found the love of his life and is far too busy with other things now! But for my family, it's always there in the back of our minds - when we don't hear from J for a while, we all start to worry that he's back on the E!
Thanks again - and keep smiling!
Tainted: I also have a couple of questions which I leave to you to choose whether you wish to discuss them:
How is your family about your bipolarity?
What were they like when you were first diagnosed to how they are for you now, a few years down the track?
I was just thinking of how it was for us with J and I think that the biggest feeling that came through - apart from the fear that we could lose him - was the sense of utter helplessness that we had. Here was a loved one going through something that we had no control over, apart to be there for him when he needed us.
I was just wondering if your family also had the same feelings.
Nzm…
I had no idea that E had anything to do with Serotonin, so thanks for sharing that and your personal story. E is one of those drugs that really became popular after I’d left Canada for the UAE so I probably know least about it over other drugs. I’ve been told what the highs are like, and hearing what you’ve said makes the picture all too clear. I attempted to take it once while on vacation there, but decided it wasn't real since it had no effect on me. I’m glad your brother seems to have moved on. I know that if I had the choice, I’d probably not go back there myself, so I wouldn’t worry too much about him in that sense. Is E an addictive drug?
It doesn’t surprise me that he accepted the care during the downs, because we (at lest me and all my friends that have Bipolar) tend to realize during those downs that something is wrong and we want out. It’s the highs that are more dangerous, because as mentioned, we don’t feel/think there’s anything wrong with us or what we’re doing.
My family wasn’t in the country when I was diagnosed. The only returned a few months later when I explained it to them. My parents know little about Bipolar or mood-disorders but they try very hard to be supportive. I have a younger brother with Attention Deflect Disorder, so they can accept that psychological disorders exist beyond what they themselves have felt or experienced. I believe, my parents tie a lot of it to the severe stress I faced because of the cases I mentioned here, but in reality my disorder started much, much earlier. I spent the majority of my younger years in Manic and no one knew any better at the time. (I seriously, was a young teen who would do cartwheels in the middle of a shopping center for no other reason than I wanted to make my friends smile as much I could). As I’ve mentioned time and time again during the start of my blog here, I didn’t have the greatest childhood; but I guess many people can make that same claim.
As I said, they try to be supportive but it’s something that takes a lot of effort to understand. Soon after my initial diagnoses I moved back in with my parents. I’ve been living with them on and off ever since, including a span during my divorce (during the most depressive state I’d known), before moving out and finally back in. For us, it’s rare that an adult will still live with her parents. I believe my parents accept the same of me because they accept the stress this sometimes causes. In fact, my mom was the first to tell me to come back and take a break, when I explained to her that I was too tired to work anymore, (especially for that company) while I was in Abu Dhabi.
They try to understand it but I’d be lying if I said even they didn’t get weary of the over-dramatic responses I tend to give. And who can blame them? Luckily, their effort means my mom accompanied me to a number of appointments and she’s almost always left her ear out to listen when I’m bitching about something or another. My parents show the fear that you’ve mentioned here, and often (when I’m down) my mom will suggest I consider seeing another doctor. I’m sure this is her way of attempting to offer help that she knows she can not personally give. So yeah, I guess the families reaction is rather similar, but I also think my parents tend to feel guilty (but in denial about that guilt – they never say it but act it) because somewhere along the way they believe they probably could have helped prevent this for me, since it’s not hereditary.
My thoughts will be with you and yours.
TF: This is a truly interesting post and being directly involved in the field of neuro med, I shall post my thoughts, as and when I can. I hope you don't mind.
Just to let you know that I'm an epileptic, had 4 seizures since 1998 and since I commenced treatment starting May 2000, I've been blessed without any seizures.
Epilepsy like Bipolar Disorder is neuro related and my Sunshine is Bipolar. Hence, I consider this topic interesting to post my thoughts as a patient and what I'm doing to prevent another seizure similar to the last one I had on May 9, 2000.
Cheers :-)
Tainted, people with bipolar illness can go for a long time without an "episode", and in between they function fairly well. Its only during the episode they have symptoms (not only feelings) that they have absolutely no control on, "I believe with proper treatment, your body is supposed to learn how to create Serotonin on its own eventually and above all, the human mind is the strongest defender of us all. Your favorite movie (as mentioned in your profile) “A Beautiful Mind’ is a perfect example of that, isn’t it?" a beautiful mind is a really good movie, but as a psychiatrist I can tell you that its not really accurate. He had schizophrenia, which can have different outcomes depending on many factors, and the nature of the illness is very different that bipolar so can't really compare them. Most people with schizophrenia deteriorate without medication, only a small percent remain stable with prominant symptoms.
I can go on and on about schizophrenia, but the topic here is bipolar and studies have shown that the repalse rate is higher for those not treated, and as I said previoulsy the more frequent the episode the worse the prognosis.
So I will have to disagree with you that our mind is the greatest defender, your mind can't do much when the judgments and perception are distorted, when your thoughts are running 100 miles per hour, when you can't focus, when can't stop talking, when you are sleep deprived, when you barely ate, when you believe you are God....
Many who are miss diagnosed with biplar illness can have borderlie personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, substance induced mood disorder.
Sorry to insist on emphasising my point, I just think its wrong to make a statment such as "its all up to you" or "I don’t believe Bipolar people should continue to use them." ie meds, we can't generalized, maybe Tainted you have hypomania where the manic symptoms are just pleasant euphoria, and many many many hard working high acheivers fall under that category (thats where they get the high enegy and drive, the creativity).
Anyways, just thought I share with you some things that I know for facts and for dealing with patients who suffer from this illness for 6 years now. Again personal experience is something I can't comment on.
And by the way Tainted, you are partially right when you said that the brain can produce its own serotonin after being on meds for a while. Studies have shown that patients on Venlafaxine have new neurogeneration while on the medication and these changes remain even after the meds are stopped!!
but thats only in depressed patients :)
Symphony,
So for you and your Sunshine, this is closer to home than I’d have guessed. Sorry to hear that you’re battling such a fight on your own. I remember once, I was at a basketball game in Canada, and a young girl got hit in the head with a baseball, completely by mistake. She was fine for about five minutes before she fell to the ground and had a seizure. It was one of the scariest things I’d ever seen. I could not believe the human body could ‘betray’ (I choose this word because that’s what my young mind thought at the time) us this way.
And just now, one of my mom’s favorite cats suffers from Epilepsy and has seizures often. He’s taking human medicine for it which (since we’ve changed it recently) is finally working. Do you and your Sunshine have problems getting treatment here? I know the meds I was on were under strict control by the ministry which meant in private hospitals I was never given more than 2 weeks worth, while in government ones I was given a month worth. It was nasty if and when I wanted to travel, or during the days I lived in Ajman and was being treated in American Hospital in Dubai. And my mom has to start her fight for her cats meds about two weeks before he’s running out and even then, he often ends up without anything for a few days in-between refills.
HL&H, I’m sure you’re right. You’re far more educated on the topic than I am. So who am I to argue? But isn’t that movie based on a true story? When it comes to Serotonin and learning to reproduce it, I was told (and actually did do) Yoga and other light exercises, as these activities would aid in this as well. I’m not sure how accurate this is, because I stopped doing both, a year or so ago and before any real change could be noted in the way I was feeling and I only started at the doctors recommendation.
Also, you’re suggesting that I’m not necessarily Bipolar. I’m not too sure what to make of this, since for me this is nothing new and I’ve been to multiple doctors in multiple hospitals here and not once has this suggestion been made by anyone else. I wouldn’t doubt it if you’re right here as well, but that would be based on the fact that the psychiatric doctors here are that bad, as I truly believe anyway. It’s been 7 or 8 years. That’s a long time for no one to realize there was a mistake made. In which case, thank God people like you will be coming back here to practice soon enough!
You've just given me an explanation for my behaviour since i was 12, and why now after i had become aware that i am an emotional extremist (i didn't know this was an actual disorder) why i think so much, and analyse endlessly to tame myself in my feelings and reactions.
I can't thank you enough really, as i read your article i thought i'll go for tests, but then as you proceeded i can't agree more..
I'm so much better just by being aware of it, the past two years i've managed this quite well, and over and above, it is a part of me, a blessing really, to be so alive and feel everything just a bit more than "normal" people. Thank you tainted :) that post was a good deed.
TF: Thank you kindly for your note. Yes, we're battling it together with self-control, self-restraint pertaining to do's & nots, with help from our friends and some Medical Professionals we consider a God send.
N...
On a very personal note I can not stress enough that what I’ve said here can not be enough to help cure anyone who believes they are suffering from this or any disorder. I am far from a professional in this field and though I can relate to finally understanding through hearing someone else’s experiences what I myself am going through, I also know this is usually a temporary high. I highly recommend you do seek professional diagnoses if you’re that certain that you’re suffering something along these lines.
I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with us, and I’m glad you enjoyed this blog entry. It’s my pleasure to share. Hopefully, we’ll see more of you around here.
Symphony...
Amazing how a supportive social circle can force you to see the good in the world, isn't it?
TF: Believe me when I say even I could not put in a finer way than you just did. Thank you.
Like my Baby Doll says to me and those around us; one-bit, one-step, one-day-at-a-time.
Tainted, bravo on two fronts:
-writing clearly about a tricky condition that could affect us all.
- writing about something affecting you personally, yet without bitterness or mixed statements. I know virtually nothing about bipolar. The first time I heard about it was from you a few months ago, and although I probably know people that have it, they have not made me aware of that. However, now I can probably recognise the symptoms.
Anyway you wrote it in a way a non-medic can understand and that's a gift.
I was also particularly touched by:
"Imagine, an artist unable to paint or write because there’s simply nothing there… Like a poet who’s run out of ink, or a painter who’s brush is broken. "
A piece of excellent writing that brings the reality to my doorstep.
Thank you Buj...
I'm almost blushing now.
Hello,
thank you for a very "humane" description of the disorder.. Have you ever considered therapy? behavioral therapy that would help you deal with your emotions?
Maya...
In the years battling this, I've tried just about every possible 'therapy' available in the UAE.
I've learned to cope quite well on my own. So hopefully, if/when I need this sort of help, it'll then be available.
There are scores of brilliant young minds getting this type of education overseas just now. Soon enough, I'm sure the standards are much, much higher in this field.
:)
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