Saturday, April 08, 2006

Gonna get you LAID?

It’s incredible really. It doesn’t matter where they’re from, or what they’ve been through in their lives; men in the Emirates have got to be the best collectors of “How not to get laid tactics” I’ve ever come across.

Some time ago, it was the norm for men to shout their numbers at you almost everywhere here. It still happens here, but not as common as it once did. Here’s a list of how you’re NOT going to get laid by me (all of which have actually happened in poor attempts to attract me):

1) Sending hardcore porn through Bluetooth with your phone number attached. Dude, I’m gonna suggest you get psychiatric help, and a video camera to record your solitary displays of affection for future thrills before I even consider calling your ass.

2) Sending a self-portrait via Bluetooth, especially when you’re an ugly mother fucker. Who ever lied to you and said you were good looking enough to make a woman drop her panties at first site was playing history’s cruelest joke; and I swear you’re the blunt of it.

3) Following me around like some sort of creepy stalker, buying something from some random shop and trying to offer it to me as a gift. Seriously dude, you’re scaring me now.

4) Telling me I’m a lesbian, while calling up a lesbian friend of yours so you can hook us up, when I tell you I’m not interested in fucking you. Dude, this one is just gonna make you look like a dick; literally. Not to mention dissolve any respect I may have had for you, while conclusively ending any possibility for even the least obscure relationship to happen between the two of us; ever.

5) Offering me money. Well I’ll be fucked, the girls who are looking for this sort of give and take relationship spend their whole lives bitching about not finding the men who are willing to give it. I swear, just a month or so ago, a Kuwaiti guy I met seemed unable to finish a sentence without adding, “Do you need anything from me? Do you want money?” Idiot. Thank you very much, no.

6) Taking money from me. More and more men around here seem to be getting more and more comfortable with allowing their dates (as in romantic dates) pay for bills. Not gonna get you in my pants; simply because I’m one of those girls who considers it disrespect for you to ask me out then let me pay for it.

7) Jerking off in an alley, while looking at me as I’m in the car stopped at a red light. Not gonna happen. Hell, the fact that you were pissing in the street when my eyes fell on your ass is enough to make the concept of sex some fictional aspect of another persons life.

I’m sure there are a lot more of them. These are just the ones that have come to mind in the last few minutes. So, if any of you men reading this think this is the way to get a woman, think again… If that woman’s even remotely like me (ie female) chances are most of these things are gonna send you home to your palm, and no better if you attempt them.

37 Comments:

Blogger Balushi said...

Are you Fuckin men happy now???


I keep telling you idiots STOP chasing women!

5:59 PM, April 08, 2006  
Blogger Tainted Female said...

lol

I LOVE YOU BALUSHI!

6:07 PM, April 08, 2006  
Blogger BuJ said...

oh boy.. the list is definitely not exhastive!... i remember i learnt lots of tricks going to an all-boys school (not that i agreed with these tricks).. but anyway I guess the Emirati male has quite a peculiar way to show his interest when it comes to females...

6:11 PM, April 08, 2006  
Blogger Tainted Female said...

Hey! This isn't all about Emirati's! LOL! This is many different nationalities!

The Bluetooth was some bedu in Ajman. The Masterbation was some indian in Jumeirah. The Lesbian was a Jordianian guy... it's all over the place, really!

6:20 PM, April 08, 2006  
Blogger BuJ said...

ha! that's me not reading properly.. i guess u meant guys in the UAE.. mind u the methods u described are quite common.. i used to remember all these really funny stories but they have all vanished now!! ufff been away from the UAE for so long...

6:27 PM, April 08, 2006  
Blogger archer14 said...

Bluetooth...hmmm, why do you keep it activated anyway?

6:36 PM, April 08, 2006  
Blogger Tainted Female said...

because I get funny shit that way... Archer...

But I'll tell you it's because I'm hoping some hotttttty rich guy will try and pick me up, if that's what you want to hear?!

lol

6:44 PM, April 08, 2006  
Blogger archer14 said...

hahaha LOL...you think a bit too much. An no, I'm not patronizing you...:-P

6:47 PM, April 08, 2006  
Blogger Jin said...

I'd just tell 'em straight.......nah fanks, I got a headache...................:-)

7:28 PM, April 08, 2006  
Blogger adevents said...

Jerking off in an alley
i cant belive that anything but this

7:55 PM, April 08, 2006  
Blogger adevents said...

and hey why u left my blog behind
or maybe i am not Rational Blog, bythe way go and se my last blog
(now do i sound like someone jerking off or what)

8:06 PM, April 08, 2006  
Blogger Tainted Female said...

lol! Sorry Ad events... You're there now hun.

Who ever isn't there, is on my favs list. It just takes me a while to get to doing things it seems.

lol. sorry

8:28 PM, April 08, 2006  
Blogger MD said...

this one cracked me up...lol :P

8:50 PM, April 08, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Every Thursday, a spectacle can be seen in Al Diyafah Road and the roads/area right behind the Al Mallah Arabic Restaurant on the same street. Highly pimped up and spanking clean cars, mostly REALLY expensive, mostly driven by the locals, doing the rounds from 10pm to 2am around the SHAWARMA ROUTE of Diyafah area(if you didnt get it, come there and you will find out), but actually just looking for a good lay in the hay.

The kind of stunts(both car and human) that these guys do around this route round after round to reach out to similar looking cars, also doing the rounds, but driven by giggly, completely painted locals of the opposite sex, is soemthin that should be seen atleast one Thursday night of your lifetime.

Its a wonderful spectacle:)

9:00 PM, April 08, 2006  
Blogger ahmed said...

Wow.. Most humiliating since the shame campaign ended.

Did u witness the shame campaign??

There was a time when the guys who used to harass ladies in public had their pictures published in newspapers. A black line was drawn on their eyes to conceal their identity and only their initials were published.

Sad!! I miss articles of this kind.. KT would sell better if they publish such pics, ABC certification doesnt matter much to me..

9:29 PM, April 08, 2006  
Blogger MD said...

LOL ahmed :D

and Anon, that 'spectacle' is not exclusively for a Thursday night. It happens every night. You'll be surprised ;)

10:38 PM, April 08, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahem md.. In the Diyafah area I'm talking about, it more or less happens only on thursday nights..dont ask me why..but if you want proof of it, welcome to my balcony, we can discuss it in depth :P

11:30 PM, April 08, 2006  
Blogger MD said...

lolll so u stay here...INTA-RESTIIIING ;) ok i'll pass by. i love doing CID's work. so where u at exactly :P

12:23 AM, April 09, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

md: here = where?

And by the way, CIDs dont discuss plans in publik. Tsk Tsk, golden rule violated :P

10:15 AM, April 09, 2006  
Blogger MD said...

well my e-mail address is on my page. since ure CID, u should have dropped me that mail by now, without waiting for my instructions.

i'll give u a second chance :P

10:38 AM, April 09, 2006  
Blogger MD said...

here = there (behind al mallah) ;)

10:39 AM, April 09, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aye Aye md:)

Behind Al Mallah..its a date then!

Coming Thursday, 11.59pm on the dot
Dress code: National
Codeword: Shawarma

P.S Please bring along a 4WD, squeaky clean with blacked out windows and loud Arabic music playing, we'll have to join the crowd to blend in wont we :P

11:02 AM, April 09, 2006  
Blogger Tainted Female said...

I'm comming too! I get to bring the tissue box with BIG BLACK phone number printed on the bottom, for flashing!

11:45 AM, April 09, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

TF, we are on!

md, we are on!

Don't also forget to bring along a big appetite for the numerous mandatory shawarma stops along THE ROUTE. Even if you are not hungry.

:)

2:54 PM, April 09, 2006  
Blogger xonethug said...

i think ill do a survey ...
will count the number of times a car passes by .... who ever passes by the same road then maximun number of times wins a SHAWARMA

3:05 PM, April 09, 2006  
Blogger Tainted Female said...

xone....

welcome friend, welcome...

Guys, there's a small problem with all this... If we're all on the look out, we couldn't possibly be on the road at the same time...

who the hell are we kidding here? We're the ones making the scene. Can't deny it.

MD & Ahmed, sitting in a tree...

3:55 PM, April 09, 2006  
Blogger hannibal said...

*what has happened to the 'shame campaign'?*

has it been discontinued?

3:56 PM, April 09, 2006  
Blogger Tainted Female said...

I don't think it was a campaign... was it?

4:20 PM, April 09, 2006  
Blogger The Glengarry Leads said...

OK, OK. Enough about the ways NOT to get laid by you.

I'm more interested in knowing HOW TO GET laid by a wild Canadian chick who covers her face. There is nothing sexier than something you can not have ;-)

11:22 PM, April 10, 2006  
Blogger MD said...

ay ay Anon ;)

ok here we go, recognize me:

silver lexus, 100% black tints, window lowered half-way through, khaleeji songs on the highest volume and of course, my designer sheila et al.

now all u other bloggers stay away, u might populate THE ROUTE. and Anon, i wont eat the whole day or i'll just go shawarma-collecting at those stops.

man, this is exciting :P

12:32 AM, April 11, 2006  
Blogger MD said...

Tainted:

MD & Ahmed, sitting in a tree...


what happened next :P so am i with a7med or emaraty? :P

12:33 AM, April 11, 2006  
Blogger Tainted Female said...

No no... next... tainted got jealous and hit on feline out of revenge.

1:40 PM, April 11, 2006  
Blogger Foghorn Leghorn said...

TF - If the 'jerkin off/ in the alley didnt hook you in.. you must be a real tough cookie!! Its my best hook-up tactic... and its gets me somes lots...

2:33 PM, April 15, 2006  
Blogger Tainted Female said...

lol @ foghorn!

I should hope you're joking. I really should.

3:13 PM, April 15, 2006  
Blogger Foghorn Leghorn said...

Actually yes I am joking... why do it in the alley when I can do it whilst driving around with my 100% tints looking at the all the honeys.. (well sort of honeys)...

1:15 PM, April 17, 2006  
Blogger Tainted Female said...

lol @ forghorn...

You're a funny, funny, funny guy.

:)

3:27 PM, April 17, 2006  
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