Gonna get you LAID?

It’s incredible really. It doesn’t matter where they’re from, or what they’ve been through in their lives; men in the Emirates have got to be the best collectors of “How not to get laid tactics” I’ve ever come across.

Some time ago, it was the norm for men to shout their numbers at you almost everywhere here. It still happens here, but not as common as it once did. Here’s a list of how you’re NOT going to get laid by me (all of which have actually happened in poor attempts to attract me):

1) Sending hardcore porn through Bluetooth with your phone number attached. Dude, I’m gonna suggest you get psychiatric help, and a video camera to record your solitary displays of affection for future thrills before I even consider calling your ass.

2) Sending a self-portrait via Bluetooth, especially when you’re an ugly mother fucker. Who ever lied to you and said you were good looking enough to make a woman drop her panties at first site was playing history’s cruelest joke; and I swear you’re the blunt of it.

3) Following me around like some sort of creepy stalker, buying something from some random shop and trying to offer it to me as a gift. Seriously dude, you’re scaring me now.

4) Telling me I’m a lesbian, while calling up a lesbian friend of yours so you can hook us up, when I tell you I’m not interested in fucking you. Dude, this one is just gonna make you look like a dick; literally. Not to mention dissolve any respect I may have had for you, while conclusively ending any possibility for even the least obscure relationship to happen between the two of us; ever.

5) Offering me money. Well I’ll be fucked, the girls who are looking for this sort of give and take relationship spend their whole lives bitching about not finding the men who are willing to give it. I swear, just a month or so ago, a Kuwaiti guy I met seemed unable to finish a sentence without adding, “Do you need anything from me? Do you want money?” Idiot. Thank you very much, no.

6) Taking money from me. More and more men around here seem to be getting more and more comfortable with allowing their dates (as in romantic dates) pay for bills. Not gonna get you in my pants; simply because I’m one of those girls who considers it disrespect for you to ask me out then let me pay for it.

7) Jerking off in an alley, while looking at me as I’m in the car stopped at a red light. Not gonna happen. Hell, the fact that you were pissing in the street when my eyes fell on your ass is enough to make the concept of sex some fictional aspect of another persons life.

I’m sure there are a lot more of them. These are just the ones that have come to mind in the last few minutes. So, if any of you men reading this think this is the way to get a woman, think again… If that woman’s even remotely like me (ie female) chances are most of these things are gonna send you home to your palm, and no better if you attempt them.