Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I don’t remember the last time…

I remembered a dream – until this morning when I woke up. As vivid as reality, as surreal as only a dream can be - he came back into my life for just a moment. I felt nothing for him, even as he pulled me close and kissed me. I felt only sorrow and regret for being caught, mid-kiss that I did not initiate. Is it possible to ever fully get over your very first love? And if so, was that it?

Or has he just somehow crept back into my life through dreams, as I slowly start becoming me again? For years he seemed to pop back into my life either in person, or through dreams when I needed to forget him the most. It was almost as if, as soon it stopped hurting he was there again peeling a scab off a healing wound. But I have not hurt for him, longed for him, even really thought of him in years. Why should he come back now?

I read too deeply into things I guess. But I am one of those people who think everything, everything happens for a reason perhaps the reason for this is still just beyond my comprehension.

Anyway, the pills seem to be doing their job. Slowly I am finding myself more ambitious, more motivated to get the hell out of the house. I find myself with more energy and less ability to sleep during the day. I often wake up throughout the night, and find myself watching TV for a few hours before I can fall back asleep again. That could just be my body adjusting.

I miss my son terribly and almost feel as though I should go back to the UAE now. But I know that I am not nearly well enough to face the plastic world again, without falling back into that dreaded routine of insanity. I speak to my son often, and know he is doing well. Its hard to answer his simplest questions, like when am I coming home? Somehow, I think he will understand when he is old enough. At least I hope so.

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15 Comments:

Blogger i*maginate said...

You are the best mother in the world xxx

5:44 AM, November 15, 2007  
Blogger purchasewoods said...

I have missed you - let me know how I can email you.

xxxx

Lin

12:47 PM, November 15, 2007  
Blogger Tainted Female said...

Thank you both much... Lin, you found me on facebook. We can stay in touch through that, or I am on your msn!

Love to you and yours!

10:20 PM, November 15, 2007  
Blogger CG said...

wow. you sound so. so. calm.

I know you will be back as soon as you are ready, and one good thing is that A. is too young now to have any real sense of 'time'. when you come back it will be the same as you having been gone for a week.

Glad you are getting some 'real' help.

9:08 AM, November 17, 2007  
Blogger Mitsuki said...

Hey how are you??
Haven't been here in ages .. hope that all is well

12:42 PM, November 19, 2007  
Blogger Tainted Female said...

CG, its been a long, long time. And yes, I feel so very calm these days. Its amazing what some time out of the UAE can do for you!

I so hope you are right about him being at that age. And yeah, I am glad to be getting help too. How are you and yours?

And Mitsuki, I am alright. Nice to see you. How have you been?

9:17 PM, November 19, 2007  
Blogger M Junaid Khan said...

Read your blog and thought to write something but am finding myself short of it already so better i will wish you health and happiness rather then saying anything else.
may Allah bless you with eternal happiness and health.
Amen

1:42 PM, November 27, 2007  
Blogger Tainted Female said...

Thank you much. I appreciate your thoughts and wishes much.

12:54 AM, November 28, 2007  
Blogger moviemania said...

Don't worry he will understand someday :)

It's really good to see that you're getting better. Just keep doing what you're doing, you'll be back soon to see your son.

And I know exactly what you mean by spending time away from the UAE!

Take care :)

8:31 AM, December 04, 2007  
Blogger ••• said...

yes..
everything happens for a reason.

8:34 AM, December 16, 2007  
Blogger black feline said...

My forever queen...Have a great year 2008! your lovely feline is still alive in dubai...

8:07 AM, December 18, 2007  
Blogger i*maginate said...

Tu me manques - truly.

Je t'inquietes a toi (if that makes sense)

Merry Christmas, my sweet lurve... xxx :-)

3:49 AM, December 25, 2007  
Blogger CG said...

hello?
where are you?

9:07 PM, February 05, 2008  
Blogger flic said...

can you post one picture of yourself? even one where you are hidden, but shown?

thanks

11:18 PM, February 27, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:59 PM, March 06, 2008  

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