I don’t remember the last time…

I remembered a dream – until this morning when I woke up. As vivid as reality, as surreal as only a dream can be - he came back into my life for just a moment. I felt nothing for him, even as he pulled me close and kissed me. I felt only sorrow and regret for being caught, mid-kiss that I did not initiate. Is it possible to ever fully get over your very first love? And if so, was that it?

Or has he just somehow crept back into my life through dreams, as I slowly start becoming me again? For years he seemed to pop back into my life either in person, or through dreams when I needed to forget him the most. It was almost as if, as soon it stopped hurting he was there again peeling a scab off a healing wound. But I have not hurt for him, longed for him, even really thought of him in years. Why should he come back now?

I read too deeply into things I guess. But I am one of those people who think everything, everything happens for a reason perhaps the reason for this is still just beyond my comprehension.

Anyway, the pills seem to be doing their job. Slowly I am finding myself more ambitious, more motivated to get the hell out of the house. I find myself with more energy and less ability to sleep during the day. I often wake up throughout the night, and find myself watching TV for a few hours before I can fall back asleep again. That could just be my body adjusting.

I miss my son terribly and almost feel as though I should go back to the UAE now. But I know that I am not nearly well enough to face the plastic world again, without falling back into that dreaded routine of insanity. I speak to my son often, and know he is doing well. Its hard to answer his simplest questions, like when am I coming home? Somehow, I think he will understand when he is old enough. At least I hope so.