My Most Irrational Fears…

When I was 14, I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. It’s one of the first major events that occurred in my life after entering the UAE. I was lucky; it turned out to be Benign.

I was talking with someone a while back concerning this, and they questioned how it was possible that Cancer is Benign. Cancer itself is the abnormal proliferation of cells, usually due to damaged cell DNA. Malignant Cancer can spread throughout the body. Benign cancer doesn’t spread, but the tumor where it started may continue to grow until it’s surgically removed.

After my surgery, I was informed that I still had approximately (because I can’t remember the exact number) seven tumors in my breasts, and at least one that was spotted in my uterus. According to doctors, they were nothing to fear and needn’t be removed unless I felt signs of discomfort or growth had been noted in future exams. It’s been 11 years since. And none of the tumors have shown any change. I’ve given birth to a child, and been through all sorts of medical exams and tests.

There were a number of reasons given for the initial conception of these things, the most probably one was hormone treatment I had taken in Canada a year prior. Hormonal imbalances are blamed for a number of the medical issues I have, more psychological than physical it seems.

Anyway, the fear I felt at fourteen years old being diagnosed with Cancer is indescribable. We can suffice it to say, I’m still irrationally afraid of a Cancer diagnoses because of it. I’m terrified of this, no matter what the cost. I know there is no way I could cope should I be forced to repeat this scenario again.

Generally, I’m a healthy person; at least physically. Emotionally, and mentally there’s no doubt I’m about as fucked up as the next guy. But physically, I take pretty good care of myself, despite my most disgusting habit of smoking. I’m sure to ingest a number of antioxidants, both natural and supplemental, to counter the free-radical effects of other pollutants I purposely and unintentionally consume. I take supplemental Omega 3. And I’m constantly trying to decrease my bad habits. Unfortunately, smoking seems to be one of those habits where the harder I try to decrease, the more I end up doing.

As most of my blog readers know, I’ve been sick recently; something that is really a rarity in my life. What I’ve not been, is fully telling to the majority of people I know. I’m trying to brush this off as if it’s just a cold, or a slight flu, but I’m starting to think that’s simply not the case. Could it be?

My symptoms are increasing and not decreasing. I’ve hardly left my bed for the last week, and when I do it’s only to cough up more blood. I can’t even start to cut down on the cigarettes, no matter how much inhaling kills, and I’m almost always dizzy or light headed. It’s pretty fucking hard for me to concentrate on anything. I hardly have the energy to shower, let alone leave the house to buy food – not that I can manage to eat much, or other necessities. And forget the maids, I asked them to bring home Vitamin C the other day, they brought ABC PLUS: Multi-Vitamin & Multi-Mineral formula to Support Healthy Eyes. And I’m 100% certain I should be seeking medical attention. But I’m too fucking scared.

My family is away. The boy and I aren’t talking. And chances are, (because I can think rationally at times), I’m just paranoid and it’s nothing more than a severe cold I’ve got. But that miniature possibility of the one diagnosis that scares me more than anything else is so terrifying to me that I can’t, no matter how many people try and talk me into it. I’d have to face it all alone, really. I can’t do that. And I can’t burden any of my friends with the responsibility of being the shoulder for my support. And I honestly know that I wouldn’t want to know, not while my family is so far. Not while there’s three months left before they’re expected to return. Not if learning such a thing would mean they’d cut their trip short to offer support for something that there really is no cure.

By posting this here, the last thing I want is another person telling me to go to a doctor. Please don’t bother if that’s what you’re considering doing in the comments here. When speaking to my mom the other night, I promised her if the symptoms don’t go or decrease within the next week, I’ll go. And I’ll keep that promise.

I suppose I just figured I haven’t really written anything ‘tainted’ in here in a while, and it was about time I let some of that raw, personal honesty show again. And perhaps, it’ll make you all understand why most of my posts here and many of my comments seem half-hearted almost unlike me. And an even larger part of me is hoping that by talking about it, I’ll somehow jinx this sickness away and prove myself the drama-queen we all know I am.

I sincerely mean it when I ask all of you not to worry about me in this sense. If it’s a cold, it’s a cold. If it’s something worse, well I’ve been there before too and no matter what I’ll pull through and be alright. I always am. And I can’t handle pity at all.

In the meantime, may I introduce you all to a good friend of mine, who has been an inspiration to me for years, now. His name is Andrew, and you can find his blog here:

My Blog, Milk in the Coconut

Andrew is living proof of the power of positive thinking. Being told multiple times that his life expectancy was less than 6 months, 3 months, or even a single month, (since I knew him alone), he’s shocked the medical industry time and time again, not only beating the odds but staying active, energetic and positive through it all; up until today. He is truly an amazing person who you will never see complaining, who rarely talks about his illnesses, who informs when information is deemed necessary. He’s fuller of life and love than most of the ‘healthy’ people I’ve ever come across.

In Andrew’s own words, ’ Being sick has taught me to live and for that I am grateful. I do not think I would be where I am today if it were not for Cancer and Aids. They have not killed me. They only helped me see the right way to go in life I am truly lucky.’

Yes, you read right. Andrew suffers from both Cancer & AIDS. Both are actively killing him from this inside out. And there’s nothing that can be done to cure either. He’s literally waiting for death. But Andrew does it with a smile, while rebelling against death no matter how firm you’d think its grasp on him is.

God Bless him, and those like him.