Sunday, August 19, 2007

To Abandon A Child

Years ago, I remember being told about a girlfriend of mine who picked up one day, dropped her 5-year-old daughter at her daddy’s house and proceeded to travel across Canada without her baby. For a long time I passed judgment, wondering how cold a parent could be to leave their child like that. For a long time I wanted to believe myself better than her – because at that time, even childless, I couldn’t conceive of the idea of leaving my baby. Bet your ass, I’m seeing things differently now.

Earlier today, some anonymous dipshit questioned what kind of mother ‘abandons’ her child, telling me I was a disgrace to all parents because I had to get the hell outta UAE. My bet is that comment comes from someone who doesn’t have kids, which in my opinion means they themselves aren’t fully matured. Your eyes don’t really open until you’ve mothered or fathered a child. Ask any mama. My bet is, that person isn’t only childless, but probably doesn’t consider all the other mama’s who move into the UAE without their children to make an income. My bet is, that anonymous retard knows nothing about real-life adult decisions and will one day, come to a realization just like the one I’ve come to about the old friend I mentioned above.

Now, after returning from a good friend of mines, baby’s first birthday party; where children and toddlers were running a muck making my heart ache to be with my own baby, I’ll respond to that.

What kind of mother abandons her baby? The answer’s a simple one: A really, really shitty one.

I did not abandon my baby boy. In fact, I stayed in the UAE for years longer than I should have just to be with him, in a country I believe far better for raising children than the one I’m from, but far worse for plastic people than the one I’m in now. I bought an apartment in the UAE so that I always had a home there. I fought against every demon – those real and those my mind conceived to stay there for as long as humanly possible.

I left fighting an internal struggle like no other, even as I stepped on the plane. But I knew then, just as I know now that it was; get the fuck out, kill myself, or kill someone else.

In my books a sane mama is far better than an insane mama, even if she is far away; a living mother better than one who is dead; and a healing mama is better than one who is incarcerated for murder or some other heinous crime.

As much as I’d love to have my baby boy here with me, it’d be selfish of me to even ask. And yeah, I can be selfish enough to consider it. It’d have been nice to have him at the birthday party today – he’d have enjoyed it, especially because I gave my friend’s baby boy a duplicate of one of my sons favorite toys. I know his life in Dubai is far safer, healthier and more sturdy than it could ever be here. I know he needs his daddy just as much as he does his mommy, and I’d be incredibly selfish to take that away from him. I also know that I was doing a shitty job as a mama while I was there – depressed and isolating myself.

My son’s mama is still there for him. He can pick up a phone and call me any time. And when he’s not calling me, I’m calling him. I could be on a plane in a second if I were really needed. His daddy has been invited to come out here with him so that we can spend some family time together. I will go back to him – as soon as I’m emotionally, psychically, and psychologically able.

When you abandon something, you:

1. to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert: to abandon one's farm; to abandon a child; to abandon a sinking ship.
2. to give up; discontinue; withdraw from: to abandon a research project; to abandon hopes for a stage career.
3. to give up the control of: to abandon a city to an enemy army.
4. to yield (oneself) without restraint or moderation; give (oneself) over to natural impulses, usually without self-control: to abandon oneself to grief.
5. Law. to cast away, leave, or desert, as property or a child.
6. Insurance. to relinquish (insured property) to the underwriter in case of partial loss, thus enabling the insured to claim a total loss.
7. Obsolete. to banish.


I’m still very much a part of my child’s life. I did not abandon him. And I would not.

And for the anon who said my ex husband was fucked over, clearly you’re not a daddy. If you are, you're a shitty one - just like the woman who truly abandons her child. Cause my baby’s daddy wants what’s best for both his child and his child’s mama. And he knows all too well that I’ve made the best decision possible for all of us under the current circumstances. And he’s more than happy to take day-to-day care of his baby boy.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're a great mum and don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Putting your child's needs before your own desires is what mothers do, right? And decideing to give your child a stable family life in a relatively safe environment, even if it breaks your heart to leave him, is brave. "Not without my daughter" sells but children's happiness is not for sale. So keep your head up ;)

11:41 AM, August 21, 2007  
Blogger Tainted Female said...

Thank you Samoum. I don't think these assholes making such judgment will ever know what it's really like for a mom to make such a decision.

I miss him though. :(

7:44 PM, August 21, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

They aren't making judgements - they're just vomiting noisily the first, worn out cliche that came into their unused minds, that's all.
And of course, you miss him - he's your baby and always will be :)

12:14 PM, August 22, 2007  
Blogger Shaykhspeara Sha'ira said...

A lot has happened since i last was here.

It can not have been an easy thing to do for you, but I agree with you, a healing mom is better than a hurt and broken mom. Inshallah you are doing the right thing and may God help you through it so that you can be with your boy again soon.


1:46 PM, August 29, 2007  
Blogger Tainted Female said...

Thank you SS... I appreciate it much.

7:16 PM, August 29, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dont let ignorant commenters stir your attention. You are who you are, and what you have done in your life is solely your achievement, your knowledge and your wisdom from your experiences is something only you have, dont let an internet poster take something so beautiful away from you.

All the best.

6:30 AM, September 05, 2007  
Blogger Tainted Female said...

You're right Adnaan. Thank you for the kind words and thoughts.

8:10 PM, September 07, 2007  
Blogger Unknown said...

No one knows the cost a parent will pay for a child. Nor the penalty a parent will accept to make life better.
I hear daily about "how could you leave your children at home?".
Well working in Toronto, I could spend 2 hrs commuting each way to work at least 8 hrs and keep 35 cents for every dollar I earn. This means that both parents must work full time to just get maybe 60 minutes of children time together a day.
But by leaving Canada, my partner gets to stay at home with my boys. They have a parent at every function at school and their mom is there everytime they fall and need an "emotional" band-aid.

Not being home doesn't mean you are not there for them.

Now I have to make the decision - leave the Caribbean for the Middle East or can I raise my boys in the Middle east.
That is the next decision.

6:32 AM, September 20, 2007  
Blogger Tainted Female said...


That's a tough decision, and depends a whole lot, I'd say on the ages of your children, where in the Middle East you're going, and what influences you're willing to have them brought up with.

For me, Dubai was the place for my boy, over Canada any day. But there are pros and cons in every society and I'm sure you're aware of some of the cons that come from the Middle East as you are the cons in Canada.

Wishing you all the best in whatever you decide. Thank you for your thoughts here.

6:47 PM, September 20, 2007  

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