Suicide by HIV: The straw that may break my back…
I’m at my mom’s house. She uses internet for playing Yahoo crib and reading the international news and nothing more. The computer is so old it’s hard to type on the sticky keyboard, and my fingers hurt. But I have so much more to say.
When it rains, it really fucking pours it seems.
I learned the other night that my best friend married a man infected with HIV. She’s known him since school in Kuwait; and started talking to him again while she was in Serbia. He is now in Egypt. I knew they had been having ‘steamy’ conversations before I sent her there. But I also thought, she’d NEVER go so far, since she knew he was sick.
No sane person would knowingly sleep with someone infected would they?
She’s Bipolar. I’m Bipolar. She’s in manic. I’m not. People in manic feel immortal, indestructible and don’t think clearly. I know this, I met the doctors with her, who tried to treat her for this last time; and I love her so fucking much it’s all killing me. I should have prevented it all somehow.
I can’t help but feel as though I’ve murdered my best friend. And doomed her baby to grow up without a mom. I can’t help but feel that it’s all my fucking fault, somehow. The rational side of my brain tells me it’s not. And a hundred people have told me so; but at the end of the day my best friend on this planet has doomed herself to death and there’s nothing I can do about it now but pretty-much watch her die.
I shouldn’t have ever let her go there in the first place. She was supposed to come here for work; went there only the interview with my asshole boss who decided not to send her here in the end.
And I’m pretty sure she’s reading this, and thinking I’m a bitch for feeling so; but part of me worried about it when she called me from his phone weeks ago. Part of me thought something like this might happen. And since I sort of freaked out on her through messages after she told me; I haven’t heard from her. Don’t really blame her; she claims she loves him. I told her she knew she didn't, just as I knew it; while he was sitting next to her, probably reading the messages too.
As far as I'm concerned, he's a fucking murderer and deserves to be shot in the fucking head. I will never respect this man; so if you're reading, I THINK YOU'RE A PRICK and I hope she fucking leaves your ass, so you die alone.
I'll be there to hold her hand; the love I have for her, would never allow me to hurt her like you did; you fucking prick.
She’s the only person who has ever truly been there for me through everything. In return, I’ll be beside her through everything for the rest of my life. I was in the delivery room when her daughter was born. I’ll be there if & when she gets sick. And if she’ll let me; and if she sees this or talks to me again; I want to be there for her daughter if it turns out she’s no longer able to do it herself.
No matter where life takes me, no matter what I’m going through; I love you woman. And your baby too; and when you need me, you know how and where to find me. Please don't ever hesitate.
When it rains, it really fucking pours it seems.
I learned the other night that my best friend married a man infected with HIV. She’s known him since school in Kuwait; and started talking to him again while she was in Serbia. He is now in Egypt. I knew they had been having ‘steamy’ conversations before I sent her there. But I also thought, she’d NEVER go so far, since she knew he was sick.
No sane person would knowingly sleep with someone infected would they?
She’s Bipolar. I’m Bipolar. She’s in manic. I’m not. People in manic feel immortal, indestructible and don’t think clearly. I know this, I met the doctors with her, who tried to treat her for this last time; and I love her so fucking much it’s all killing me. I should have prevented it all somehow.
I can’t help but feel as though I’ve murdered my best friend. And doomed her baby to grow up without a mom. I can’t help but feel that it’s all my fucking fault, somehow. The rational side of my brain tells me it’s not. And a hundred people have told me so; but at the end of the day my best friend on this planet has doomed herself to death and there’s nothing I can do about it now but pretty-much watch her die.
I shouldn’t have ever let her go there in the first place. She was supposed to come here for work; went there only the interview with my asshole boss who decided not to send her here in the end.
And I’m pretty sure she’s reading this, and thinking I’m a bitch for feeling so; but part of me worried about it when she called me from his phone weeks ago. Part of me thought something like this might happen. And since I sort of freaked out on her through messages after she told me; I haven’t heard from her. Don’t really blame her; she claims she loves him. I told her she knew she didn't, just as I knew it; while he was sitting next to her, probably reading the messages too.
As far as I'm concerned, he's a fucking murderer and deserves to be shot in the fucking head. I will never respect this man; so if you're reading, I THINK YOU'RE A PRICK and I hope she fucking leaves your ass, so you die alone.
I'll be there to hold her hand; the love I have for her, would never allow me to hurt her like you did; you fucking prick.
She’s the only person who has ever truly been there for me through everything. In return, I’ll be beside her through everything for the rest of my life. I was in the delivery room when her daughter was born. I’ll be there if & when she gets sick. And if she’ll let me; and if she sees this or talks to me again; I want to be there for her daughter if it turns out she’s no longer able to do it herself.
No matter where life takes me, no matter what I’m going through; I love you woman. And your baby too; and when you need me, you know how and where to find me. Please don't ever hesitate.
posted by Tainted Female at
7:50 PM
5 Comments:
your highness...forgive me..i thought u were a hardened bitch..sorry for the word..im so wronged..i wept..u have a heart of gold...a new respect for u..and a new title..u r the queen of the people! long live the queen!!!!!!!!
whoa............jeez, that's a real heavy blog to take in. If she sees you as a true friend, she'll no doubt be pissed off, but given time, she'll be talking to you again. Hopefully she'll get the ARV's & will keep the hated disease at bay for many years. It takes 2 to tango hon & I know you're angry at her boyfriend, but it seems she allowed this to happen, even tho' she knew the risks. All you can do is what you've said & that's Be There for her.........
I remebered to pray for you and your friend today.
blackfeline, that title has been taken by Princess Diana. we need to find a better one for tainted.
i love u hun and this is exactly why...
Thank you guys.
Jin, some messed-up people out there; and sure, I’m one of them… Makes sense that so many of them are loved so dearly by me. Now, I’m just a little confused about it all as she claims she never told me he had HIV in the first place.
And feline… Naw, you were right the first time.
Riddle, maybe your prayers were answered? Maybe it is a false memory?
And MD… Umwah! I love you too… but for other reasons… *wink* You’re sexy.
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