Tired, Torn, UAE, Baby, Canada, Future, Home, Security, Selfish or Selfless?
Before I start with recording this line of thought, I need to make something clear to all my pessimistic readers; this post is not proof of my misery, my lack of will to survive, or of you being right about anything you may have assumed about me. This is not a repeated rant of the many others who have talked along these lines.
This is a little insight into what I’ve been thinking about lately, what’s happening in my life, the decisions I need to make and the way they’re being influenced by things I can not control. This is also the reason I’ve not been around much lately.
Here goes. A lot of people are talking about leaving the UAE these days. I’ve been considering it myself for a long while now. Only, if I leave, I’m leaving more behind than this sandy country; circumstances just might make it my only choice.
I love the UAE, and almost everything about it. I’ve grown here, I’ve learned here, and I’ve been molded into who I am here. And yeah, I’m a little sad to see all the current changes, but at the same time, I’m excited about what tomorrow will bring this place. I was married here, and I have a beautiful half-national son; who if I do decide to leave, will not be able to come with me.
He is the only thing that really makes the decision hard to make these days. I love my son more than I love life. And every choice I’ve made since his birth, I’ve done with his interests at heart.
Though I have legal custody of my son; he spends more time with my ex-in-laws than with me.
That’s because work keeps me out of the house for more than 12 hours a day, and I’d rather my son be raised by his fathers family who live in a house with an actual garden where he can play, during these 12 or more hours each day, than being raised by a house maid in my 1 bedroom apartment.
I would love to stay at home and raise him myself, but I can’t afford to financially. I take him on the weekends and each week I’m amazed at how he’s grown; and saddened by the things I’ve missed.
As everyone knows, expenses in the UAE are rising at unbelievable rates; life is becoming more stressful and less enjoyable for the most part. I believe this may be a temporary phase, and I’m pretty sure things will settle down soon enough. What I’m actually worried about is lifetime security.
I’m just 25 years old now. As young as I am; I can’t help but feel pretty damn tired. It seems as though I’ve spent a great portion of my life struggling in one way or another, and I just want to relax now.
Maybe it’s selfish of me. Maybe I’m thinking too much. Or maybe I’m just paranoid. But at the end of the day I’ve been here eleven years. I’ve spent a total of six years fighting in the courts; and I’ve had more jobs without security than I can count.
I’m currently in a company that hasn’t paid me salary for the last two months; and when they did pay, it’s not done with transfers or even checks to establish credit. Security; I could buy a house, on a loan. Only I have no credit to get the loan in the first place.
My salary is great; when I get it. But it’s time for me to move on and leave this job. I can’t handle the average 7 hour drive I make every day, or the debt working here has put me into personally, I can’t handle taking the blame for some other guys fuck ups, and I can’t deal with the guilt I feel when my employees ask about their salaries and express to me how much they’re suffering because of not being paid. It’s time for me to quit.
My apartment contract expires in two months time. I’m moving; but how far from this apartment, I’m not sure. What I’ll be able to afford, I’m not sure.
I owe about 5000Dhs in traffic fines right now; which I probably wouldn’t have if I wasn’t driving every day from Ajman to Abu Dhabi & back for work. My car registration is expires this month.
All of this will pass, and I’m pretty sure I would get over it and still keep a smile on my face. But for how long will that smile last, and for how long will I find a way out of these ruts?
What happens to expatriates like me; who mark their sixtieth birthday here; and are too tired to work anymore? Who takes care of us? How do we retire? There is no retirement plan for us here. I’m not even sure if I have the motivation to make it until I’m 60 years old and still be employed.
I’m pretty fucking tired.
I need a vacation, sure. Only, I’m afraid if I take it, I’ll never return. Then what?
I think about my son, and about losing him. I consider the fact that I’ve hardly had the chance to raise him as it is, and I wonder if it’s better for him to have me here and suffering (which is bound to happen sooner or later), or away but probably doing better? I wonder if leaving him would make me a bad mother; even though while residing in this country I’m forced to spend more than 98% of the time away from him just to survive. I wonder about a lot of things like this; and now it’s getting closer to the time that I have to decide.
Should I look for another job? Can I handle starting something new right now? I haven’t had a vacation in more than 6 years. Can’t afford to take one now. And I really don’t have the motivation to even bother anymore.
A friend of mine offered to support me financially here, while I take the much needed break. Gotta love the UAE for its generosity; but I’m not a leeching parasite and I could never accept such an offer.
The fiancé has been talking about buying a house for the two of us; but if I took that offer, would I be doing it because I wanted to be with him or because it’s like the easy way out? I’m in no position to make such a decision right now, as in the end I may very well realize it made the wrong choice for purely selfish reasons. And despite multiple accusations; I’m not a selfish person.
I’m not really sure if I’ll be around here for the next little while. I only have internet access at work; and I don’t think I’ll be coming in here for much longer, or even if I’ll bother returning tomorrow.
Sell all my belongings, pay off my debts and get out? Or fight a little longer; see if I have the strength that so many people seem to think I do?
I’m pretty fucking tired. I really am.
This is a little insight into what I’ve been thinking about lately, what’s happening in my life, the decisions I need to make and the way they’re being influenced by things I can not control. This is also the reason I’ve not been around much lately.
Here goes. A lot of people are talking about leaving the UAE these days. I’ve been considering it myself for a long while now. Only, if I leave, I’m leaving more behind than this sandy country; circumstances just might make it my only choice.
I love the UAE, and almost everything about it. I’ve grown here, I’ve learned here, and I’ve been molded into who I am here. And yeah, I’m a little sad to see all the current changes, but at the same time, I’m excited about what tomorrow will bring this place. I was married here, and I have a beautiful half-national son; who if I do decide to leave, will not be able to come with me.
He is the only thing that really makes the decision hard to make these days. I love my son more than I love life. And every choice I’ve made since his birth, I’ve done with his interests at heart.
Though I have legal custody of my son; he spends more time with my ex-in-laws than with me.
That’s because work keeps me out of the house for more than 12 hours a day, and I’d rather my son be raised by his fathers family who live in a house with an actual garden where he can play, during these 12 or more hours each day, than being raised by a house maid in my 1 bedroom apartment.
I would love to stay at home and raise him myself, but I can’t afford to financially. I take him on the weekends and each week I’m amazed at how he’s grown; and saddened by the things I’ve missed.
As everyone knows, expenses in the UAE are rising at unbelievable rates; life is becoming more stressful and less enjoyable for the most part. I believe this may be a temporary phase, and I’m pretty sure things will settle down soon enough. What I’m actually worried about is lifetime security.
I’m just 25 years old now. As young as I am; I can’t help but feel pretty damn tired. It seems as though I’ve spent a great portion of my life struggling in one way or another, and I just want to relax now.
Maybe it’s selfish of me. Maybe I’m thinking too much. Or maybe I’m just paranoid. But at the end of the day I’ve been here eleven years. I’ve spent a total of six years fighting in the courts; and I’ve had more jobs without security than I can count.
I’m currently in a company that hasn’t paid me salary for the last two months; and when they did pay, it’s not done with transfers or even checks to establish credit. Security; I could buy a house, on a loan. Only I have no credit to get the loan in the first place.
My salary is great; when I get it. But it’s time for me to move on and leave this job. I can’t handle the average 7 hour drive I make every day, or the debt working here has put me into personally, I can’t handle taking the blame for some other guys fuck ups, and I can’t deal with the guilt I feel when my employees ask about their salaries and express to me how much they’re suffering because of not being paid. It’s time for me to quit.
My apartment contract expires in two months time. I’m moving; but how far from this apartment, I’m not sure. What I’ll be able to afford, I’m not sure.
I owe about 5000Dhs in traffic fines right now; which I probably wouldn’t have if I wasn’t driving every day from Ajman to Abu Dhabi & back for work. My car registration is expires this month.
All of this will pass, and I’m pretty sure I would get over it and still keep a smile on my face. But for how long will that smile last, and for how long will I find a way out of these ruts?
What happens to expatriates like me; who mark their sixtieth birthday here; and are too tired to work anymore? Who takes care of us? How do we retire? There is no retirement plan for us here. I’m not even sure if I have the motivation to make it until I’m 60 years old and still be employed.
I’m pretty fucking tired.
I need a vacation, sure. Only, I’m afraid if I take it, I’ll never return. Then what?
I think about my son, and about losing him. I consider the fact that I’ve hardly had the chance to raise him as it is, and I wonder if it’s better for him to have me here and suffering (which is bound to happen sooner or later), or away but probably doing better? I wonder if leaving him would make me a bad mother; even though while residing in this country I’m forced to spend more than 98% of the time away from him just to survive. I wonder about a lot of things like this; and now it’s getting closer to the time that I have to decide.
Should I look for another job? Can I handle starting something new right now? I haven’t had a vacation in more than 6 years. Can’t afford to take one now. And I really don’t have the motivation to even bother anymore.
A friend of mine offered to support me financially here, while I take the much needed break. Gotta love the UAE for its generosity; but I’m not a leeching parasite and I could never accept such an offer.
The fiancé has been talking about buying a house for the two of us; but if I took that offer, would I be doing it because I wanted to be with him or because it’s like the easy way out? I’m in no position to make such a decision right now, as in the end I may very well realize it made the wrong choice for purely selfish reasons. And despite multiple accusations; I’m not a selfish person.
I’m not really sure if I’ll be around here for the next little while. I only have internet access at work; and I don’t think I’ll be coming in here for much longer, or even if I’ll bother returning tomorrow.
Sell all my belongings, pay off my debts and get out? Or fight a little longer; see if I have the strength that so many people seem to think I do?
I’m pretty fucking tired. I really am.
posted by Tainted Female at
4:51 PM
13 Comments:
You're not selfish, anyone that says that is someone who doesn't know you.
And you're the strongest person i've ever met, so stay strong.
Hang in there babe, I agree with samuraisam, you are the strongest person I have also met…!
You are still young & have your whole life ahead of you. Really think you need to get out of that company you are working for, you deserve better & I’m sure there is a job out there for you.
Whatever decision you make, do it with your heart & I hope it works out for you hun
dearest tainted,
i am so touched by your situation, I would like to offer you my fully support. It is not difficult to imagine the hard circustances you find yourself. Your are young, brave and a good mother, nothing and anyone can take it out of you.
Do fight, and do be selfish (what is wrong on being selfish?!) - your son needs you and that most justify any of your decisions. Dont give him up. It your right to have him and his right to have you.
Peace be with you!
If you leave, why pay your debts off? Apart from the fact that you couldn't come back (until you have a new passport - easily done!)
On a serious note, good luck young lady, you deserve some.
"A lot of people are talking about leaving the UAE these days. I’ve been considering it myself for a long while now"
I almost hear this every day I also been thinking of it myself for the last 10 years i did not go any where and it seems 99% of the people I know and said so are still here, I don’t know is it us or the UAE.
Tainted, sure you have a tough decision to make but you are right you have to figure out how will you retire first?
all i can say at the end I wish you luck inshalaah
I read this post yesterday and thought about it a lot this morning while I was doing my 3 hour round trip just to drop 2 kids off at school. Even being in the same Emirate does not help with the amount of driving we have to do, nevermind doing what you have to do. No amount of money or status is worth risking that much time on these roads (or any roads for that matter). So I agree with you, and feel that the job has to be ditched.
One thought, is it not possible for you to work from home? I know initially it may sound impossible or even daunting, but do you have any skills that can be utilized to enable you to stay at home with your son, while still managing to make enough money? I did this when my kids were babies and from a small thing it has now grown into a decent sized company that pretty much runs itself (allowing me to spend zillions of hours taking photographs of crappy drivers with kids laid out on the back ledges of the vehicles).
A lot of my friends have done the same as me, some did it just to while away the time, and have ended up running very profitable businesses.
Tainted, come on. become a little selfish. Don´t drive for hours just to get NOT paid without hazzle. Do not spend that many hours on your Compie. Try hard to get a job close by where you live or where you want to live in the future. Be pragmatic in your decisions. Small steps can lead to big changes. Easy said, I know but reading your blog I feel very concerned. A 25 year old should not be tired and torn as you are. I wish I could explain to you more about MT (mental training), but it is difficult in English. Cheers.
PS: Yesterday I´ve had my 26th promise from Dubai, of outstanding bills just being paid into the bank. It sucks. Mentally I have written it off and it gives me energy to concentrate on other business.
the retirement issue is a very strong point that u have raised. beautifully written and very genuine concerns; not plain bitchy rants.
i love u hun, will talk on the phone.
ok just checking...did Sam delete the blog? it doesnt show on his profile :S :S
There is only ONE person who can make the decision hon & that's you. My thoughts are with you & I genuinely hope things come right. No way are you being selfish!
hmmm quite a sad post.. dunno if i was in your shoes i'd be able to write openly like that.
anyway with the disagreements that we had, i do wish u the best, especially as a mother, and i hope you can get to stay in the UAE and to have a good life there. maybe the fiancee option is a good option, not just the easy option.
the crazy thing is that you drive from AJ to AD daily. this is mad, perhaps only if the company pays fuel, but a company that pays no salary will probably not pay fuel. bastardinos.
Tainted, you might be able to keep it up for a while more but then what?
You're obviously leaning towards leaving your job and perhaps that gut feeling or rather scream should be heard, ey?
I pray you find a way...
There's no such thing as a predefined bad/good mother. We do what we can, what the situation allows us to do.
Big *HUG* to you.
I’m thinking Saturday will be the last day I go to the office in Abu Dhabi. I’ve talked a little to the fiancée about things, and also my parents. The parents don’t seem to understand just how tired I am; and didn’t say much. The fiancée was more understanding.
Everything’s still up in air just now. I don’t have internet access at home, but I’ve promised Samuraisam, I’ll get it as soon as I can.
Thank you all for your suggestions and understanding. I’ve thought abut working from home, but you need a home for that first, right?
I paint and have sold my work in the past. It’s something I may continue with eventually; but right now I need some sort of stability before I can do anything. Will talk to you all soon.
*hugs*
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home