Just hormones?

Knowing my son will be in school within the next two weeks; trying to make him feed himself (because he’s too lazy to do it, not because he doesn’t know how he just prefers to be the ‘baby’ forever it seems); watching as he proudly puts his own underwear and pants on after going to the bathroom, I can’t help but think I want another one.

I don’t know that I ever really wanted to have more children. I hated being pregnant; I was always sick. I hated labor; it was induced and very painful. Just over a year after I delivered him, I divorced which resulted in me spending countless hours away from him because UAE law denied me the privilege of taking him out of that house. Ever since, I’ve felt I screwed my son’s life up at the very beginning simply through being absent for so long. I hate the guilt that comes along with those thoughts and feelings.

I’ve never said a bad word about his father to him or in front of him, and I trust that his father has done the same. I’ve never allowed him to dwell on some of the not-so-nice memories he retains of spousal abuse he witnessed prior to and during the divorce, and sometimes still brings up out of the blue. I fight constantly with the ‘life-lessons’ and the different ‘ways’ to raise a child between my in-laws and my own, and at times I feel those efforts are useless. But he’s well behaved, nonetheless.

I never thought I’d do it again. But all of the sudden I have this incredibly-strong maternal instinct that makes me want to drop whatever I was considering of my future before, run off and get married again, and have another baby.

Maybe, it’s hormones. Maybe I’m just trying to replace the baby I feel has all of the sudden grown into a little man and will soon refuse to take my hand or hug me in front of his friends. Today, was the first day I told him to come give me a hug and he said he was too busy with him video game, he didn’t want to come. Maybe, I’m just thinking too much?